Bug Off

I’m basically solar powered, so when it’s nice outside, I’m either walking, working out in the yard or basking in the sun like a lizard on a heated rock.

This is my preferred location when it’s between 65-80 degrees. My hot and sexy male suntan applier is hiding out of this shot. 

And much like that amphibious analogy, I occasionally eat bugs—or they go up my nose. Not on purpose, mind you, but as an indirect result of talking or breathing while I do the aforementioned activities. Considering one of those things is rather necessary to survival (although I would argue that both of them are,) it really can’t be avoided.

Just because it can’t be avoided doesn’t mean it doesn’t still tick me off.

Although I know they serve a purpose, bugs suck—both literally and figuratively. Aside from flying up our noses or sneaking in our mouths, they suck the fun out of outdoor situations by sucking the blood out of our innocent souls, leaving us with un-itchable itchy bumps as a reminder of their intrusive visits to our flesh and our fun.

We use sprays, creams, zappers and Tiki torches with citronella oil in an effort to ward off their presence, yet we will still find ourselves cursing the little assholes as we scratch and claw at our bites.


These bugs have balls.

They have no fear.

They laugh at us as we wave our arms around like crazy people and run around the yard with a 75-cent plastic fly swatter that’s about as effective as hitting a softball with a wet noodle.

But I refuse to let them win.

They will not stop me from a) breathing or b) talking, therefore running the risk of accidental consumption or a vacuuming up the nose.

I might not have balls and I might have irrational fears of weird things like sneezing while driving or developing an allergy to asparagus, but I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing—lighting torches and swatting at the little bastards, all the while reeking of DEET and frustration.

You’ve been warned, my flying friends, you’ve been warned.


22 responses to “Bug Off

  1. Have you been creeping on my “outdoor lounge palace” (basically a lounge chair with a beach towel on top of it in the middle of my backyard)? It looks strangely similar to yours.

    I am totally with you on being outdoors. And the bugs sucking (haha). This past weekend at the cottage, I was only wearing flip flops for about 8.3 minutes before 3 mosquitos decided to bite my feet, leaving (no kidding) golf-ball-sized bumps that itched like a mofo. I had to put on socks and running shoes, and tuck my pants into my socks. I also don’t like how, in parks near water, you can’t say a single word sometimes without eating a spoonful of bug carcass.

    I hope it’s at least extra protein.

    • P.S. If that is a Sponge Bob Squarepants towel, we are twins.

    • I stepped outside last night for 1.2 seconds and came back with four bites that swelled to the size of a small village. Today I actually brought anti-itch post-bite cream to work so I could overdose on the stuff in an attempt not to claw my skin off. I also found it necessary to tell anyone that came into my office that the anti-itch cream was for bug bites and nothing else. And yes, that is my outdoor lounge palace.

  2. I get teased all the time that I have to photosynthesize, loved the “solar-powered” comment. 🙂

    I like to try to keep in mind the fact that all animals have some ecological purpose/duty that redeems their annoying habits….but flies, mosquitoes, gnats, and the like make that EXTREMELY difficult! When I’m working in the tropics sometimes I can’t even see the skin on my hands because of the swarms. And the nostril invaders, ACK! I hear you on this issue.

    • I have no idea how you handle the tropical climates for your research–that’s the first thing I thought about the first time I heard you were going. Ugh. As for all creatures great and small, I am totally on the canoe of compassion. I love animals and know that everything has a job, blah blah blah. I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that the job of these freaking mosquitos is to annoy the hell out of me and cause me great bodily discomfort for the first few weeks of spring.

  3. Sometimes bugs land on my face when I’m walking and just CHILL THERE. What is up with that? Does my face look like a great place to have a siesta? No!

    Ballsy bugs for sure.

  4. I. Hate. Bugs.
    All of them. And can you tell me why twice now I’ve found thousand-leggers in my bed??? Seriously, just kill me.

  5. The worst buggy summer for me was when I was a child, and jogging with my Uncle (he forced me to jog with him) near a freak’n corn field, on a hot humid evening !!! I don’t even remember what state it was in, but I remember him telling me to “keep your mouth closed” and “breath in through your nose”… what????? Look dude, I can barely “breath” and you are asking me to close one of those air-holes… I should send you some of these awesome anti-bite packages from Japan… I love them, and they really do work, or I think they do?

  6. I’ve been known to bust out the Cutter- screw Skintastic. Bugs love that shit. I can ward off the mosquitoes with dabs of citronella oil, but then I’m a goldmine for bees. But what really pisses me off is the bugs inside. F-ing silverfish and earwigs. I swear, the ecosystem does NOT need those.

    • Good advice and good point. I hate, HATE the indoor bugs if only because it feels like an invasion of my space (ironic, considering outside is the mosquitos space–techincally.) Plus once I see one inside, I swear I think I see a million of them.

  7. Bugs gravitate to the highest point in your body (especially gnats) so next time you are cornered try raising a hand in the air and your face will be bug free.
    This of course, does not work unless you are lounging around and it certainly does not make bugs any less annoying but I wanted to share.

  8. I HATE BUGS! Well, I hate ones that fly and bite me like mosquitoes and i have a huge fear of ants..ewww…shudder. I’m with you on bug protective measures!

  9. Bugs suck. And they are definitely make an appearance lately. Every time I take Linx for a walk, I can feel those suckers biting me and then I can’t stop itching. Maybe I should just invest in some bug spray?

    There is nothing like basking in the sun, it’s one of the best feelings in the world.

  10. Ahhhhh yes. Bugs. I also have a love/hate relationship with them. They seem to love me and I . . . well you know where that’s going. I realize that while outside, I’m sort of in their domaine but when they come in my house – THAT’S MY TERRITORY. I’ve been known to put spiders down the food garburator and I spray mosquitos with oven cleaner. HA! Take THAT you flying little f*&ker!

    • I’m impressed you own oven cleaner and have found multiple uses for said product. I just pounce on the bug with a fist full of paper towel and hope the weight of my words scares them to death before the crunch of me grabbing their buggy little bodies.

  11. I hate bugs. I had to kill a spider today, so I’m sorta proud of myself. This is my hint: take your walks in the morning. After that, you’re screwed. All this rain probably will help….not.

    • Yup, morning walks work best, but I’m always outside in the summer–including in my garden–so I plan on walking around with an electric zapper this year. This will most likely come in handy with the annoying neighbor kids as well.

  12. Most of the time I haven’t any issue with bugs. I am so ornery my blood tastes bad and so they stay away from me.

  13. I’ve had a lucky nearly 12 years of mostly outdoor bug-free-ness here in L.A. Sure there are gnats and bees and while I’m not a fan, they don’t bother me nearly as much as mosquitoes. I am already dreading the mosquito situation in Michigan. Without fail and regardless of how much anti-mosquito shit I’ve applied, somehow they know I’m out there and they want my blood. Of course, they don’t touch my husband. Asshole. He just sits back and says it’s my fault for being so sweet…which we all know that I’m not.

  14. I will sell you my dog for 10,000 dollars. Why? Because he eats bugs and does an excellent job at it. But then, he also eats worms, the couch, the carpet, and just licks himself when not doing any of the above… So maybe let’s say 5 bucks?

    • Hmmm. That’s tempting, but I could buy five cheap-ass flyswatters or two bottles of ineffective bug spray for the same price and don’t have to poop scoop as a result. I’ll consider it though…

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