For the past couple of weeks I have been enjoying the soothing sounds of a gentle waterfall. No, I have not neglected to fix my runny toilet once again, but rather I speak of the fountain/pond in my backyard oasis.
We—and by “we” I mean my mom—got it running once again with the help of a new pump and some elbow grease, and the gentle tinkling of the streaming water has been providing a relaxing background as I swat off the bugs of summer.
Well, that went down the crapper.
The damn things sprung a leak—again—and has since emptied itself out to reveal a new spot for annoying white fuzzies and tree debris to congregate. I’m not quite sure why it happened, but I would like to blame something other than the fact that it simply sprung a leak.
Enter CSI: Pond/Fountain thing and the short list of suspects.
The Diva Chipmunk
When I left for work the other morning, there was a chipmunk frolicking near the crime scene. Due to my excitement at getting to work at 6:30 a.m., I failed to inform him that I was not running a private spa for small woodland creatures. It’s possible that if he chose to swim laps with unpedicured nails, the liner of said pond could have been torn.
However, I feel the small woodland creatures enjoyed the pond as much as I did and doubt this was an impulsive act to display disappointment in my failure to supply little fuzzy robes, acorn appetizers and complimentary slippers. I have eliminated all diva chipmunks as suspects.
The Masked Menace
While I have a soft spot for small woodland creatures, I have no such feelings towards large bastard raccoons that destroy my birdfeeder and refuse to fear me.
The first time I looked out my window and saw this thing climbing up the stairs, I thought it was a bear. (Never mind the fact that we don’t really have bears in my area.) This beast is huge, and when I ran out flailing my arms and making crazy sounds, it simply moved one step lower and looked positively bored. I swear I heard it sigh before slowly retreating, only to return the second I went back into the house.
So while I would love to nail this sucker to the wall for the crime in question, considering there is no food involved, I don’t think it would have the motivation—other than to piss me off.
Ernie the Gnome
With Ernie, jealousy could most certainly be motive. Uncle June gets a fair amount of mini-face time on the blog, whereas Ernie only appears in warm-weather situations.
It’s very possible that these feelings of inferiority could have manifested themselves into a vindictive act of vandalism, but alas, he would have been destroying his own little humble abode. I feel he must be eliminated from the suspect list as well—along with the turtle.
I thought about blaming the neighbor kids, seeing as they have been wandering around the neighborhood with their improvised nunchucks and potent pellet guns. But they haven’t really ventured into my yard since I moved in, at which point in time the little mouth breathers rode their bikes across my front lawn and dug holes in my backyard because the old owners apparently allowed that.
I calmly told them that I didn’t allow that behavior and was not above installing an invisible electric fence to prevent a repeat occurrence. I then added that both Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy had died tragic deaths as a result of their reckless excavation and bicycle operation through my yard.
With that said, they now call me “Miss Abby” and only come over when selling overpriced products for various Scout troops and cults they belong to.
So they’ve also been eliminated as suspects, leaving me right back where I started from—an empty pond and empty leads. But this investigation has not been for naught, as I’m thinking the neighbor kids might be included as possible allies in the war against the raccoon.
Let’s put those nunchucks and pellet guns to good use, shall we?
*No animals were harmed in the writing of this post, nor will they be harmed in the future. I can’t speak for any psychological damage that may have resulted from finding out the Tooth Fairy is not real.
Abby this is cute. I’m going with the coon. We had a trio of the monsters destroy a standing fountain a few years back.
When I was younger my sister found an abandoned baby one and brought it home and named him Coonie of course. It was the CUTEST little focker and was just like one of our cats. Until it just moseyed into the woods one day to be, well, what it is I guess. Random.
Either way, sorry about your fountain. 😦
Raccoons are bad-ass. They are much bigger than you imagine and have hands more artistic and elegant than my own stumpy little paws. If you tried to teach one how to play Chopin, it would pick it up much faster than I would. They can fix small engines. In fact, I’ve heard, Jiffy Lube employs an almost exclusively raccoon staff now.
This is why I’m sure it isn’t a raccoon. If it was, ANOTHER suspect would be obvious, because they are devious enough to frame someone else for their actions.
My vote is Ernie. On crime shows, it is always 1. someone close to the family and 2. someone with a jealousy related motive.
Keep an eye out for Travelocity charges on your credit card in case he tries to make a run for it.
If they can indeed fix small engines, perhaps I can employ them to fix the leaky pond.
hahhahahaha! I, too, think it was Ernie the gnome. He wears a pointy hat and has a motive. Maybe there’s a more serious matter at hand as you alluded to, a gnome turf war. You don’t want to get in the middle of that. If you witness a hit, you may wind up in a gnome witness protection program.
I don’t know what made you discount the gnome so fast. Now, mine is a drinker, so he might be a bit more rowdy, but there are plenty of things in this house that I blame on him.
Good point. I did come out this morning to find Ernie tipped over. I thought it was just from the wind, but perhaps he’s been hitting the juice once again. That’s why he’s an outdoor gnome…
What is it with these furry little a-holes? We have 2 groudhogs that I swear to God could take me down in a fight. Not only are they driving my dog crazy with their formiddable scents but they are destroying my hostas!!! I’m sorry but my backyard is not a hog salad bar. If I weren’t so scared of dealing with the disposal of said hogs, I’d set a trap. So bitching and complaining for now, it is.
I’m thinking some of Ernie’s friends paid a visit to your pond for a late-night party and accidentally did some damage. Maybe Ernie’s too ashamed to tell you.
I blame the gnome. You just can’t trust them.
Bahaha those damn mouth-breathers! Glad you destroyed their fantasies about santa and the tooth fairy. You could have told them that they were having a wild affair and that they were in to S&M- that would surely scar them for life.
That racoon looks scary.
Your garden is pretty!
Unless…unless…it was aliens programming all of the suspects you are privy too…which would mean the aliens are scared because you are hot on the trail.
Or perhaps it could be Murphy orchestrating these shenanigans according to his law. Because isn’t a flowing fountain in a zen garden supposed to bring peace and relaxation?
Reminds me of the frustrating time I discovered my yoga DVD has a fatal sratch and skips. I might have cursed.
Yes! When my yoga DVD skips, I swear I freak out, completely negating any “zen” points I may have racked up just moments before. True irony…
I was going to say you were mighty quick to discount the gnome. Those guys get around. Haven;t you heard?
Sorry about the sad, empty pond. Ponds are sad when they are empty. Hope you get it fixed soon. Where are the mosquitoes supposed to congregate to lay all their eggs? 😉
By the way, thanks for coming to my blog to chat about prom. I know it’s a wee bit late to talk prom, but well – in our district they JUST had it on Saturday night. Graduation is set for June 25. So um, look for that graduation post mid-July.
You are not alone! When I scanned the picture of the masked menace my first thought was “Holy Frik, is that a bear?”.
maybe this would help locate the problem a bit. Although, I do think you need to give the gnome a speech on ‘how to be a better watchman’ 😀
I had no idea they came out during the day, what a pesky bugger that one is, huh? I have not encountered one yet, I guess feeding him is out of the question?