My 30th birthday is next month and before you ask, no, I do not have any wild and crazy plans to commemorate this momentous occasion. I love celebrating birthdays—or random Wednesdays—but I’m not into celebrating my own.
So now that I’ve put the kabosh on the surprise party you had planned for me, let’s move on to the bigger issue—the midlife crisis I am planning.
For the record, I do not plan on growing an Afro.
I’m not sure who decided that 50 was the age when it a midlife crisis was expected to happen. That’s being awfully presumptuous, as not that many people live to be 100 and have Williard Scott put their picture on the side of a Smucker’s jelly jar, butcher their name and wish them a Happy Birthday.
Considering my propensity for falling up stairs and landing on the one needle in a haystack, I’ll be lucky to make it to 50. So even though I don’t want to tempt fate, I’ve optimistically decided to be proactive and use 30 as my mid-life marker.
If I make it to 60, then I can look back at how I was able to accurately cash in on the whole thing. If I make it past 60, then I’m really considered and overachiever and everything else is just icing on the (birthday) cake.
It makes perfect sense to me, but then again, so does only buying clothes that will never need ironing.
Anyway, I’ve been doing a little observational research, and I’ve found that in order to have this mid-life crisis I’m supposed to do one or all of the things listed below. I haven’t quite worked out the details yet, but your suggestions would be most appreciated as soon as possible.
After all, I’m not getting any younger.
Midlife Crisis To-Do List
While purple is my favorite color, I need to adopt a love of yellow and buy expensive yellow things. My research has shown that yellow sports cars and yellow motorcycles are the most common thing to purchase with money the mid-lifer doesn’t have.
I’m not into cars, but that’s okay because I’ve also noticed that yellow hair is an acceptable substitute. Male or female, yellow or platinum blond hair that previously wasn’t is a sure sign of youth and sends nothing but “I’m not having a midlife crisis and dying my hair out of desperation” vibes.
I’ve been platinum before, so this is an option to consider once again.
Change of Scenery
Through my research I’ve found that if I really want to do this crisis right, I have to quit my job and book a flight to Tanzania to climb Kilimanjaro. Despite semi-stable employment (and the possibility of additional car payments and salon visits,) I should throw caution to the wind and become one with an extreme challenge in a foreign country.
If I’m lucky and make it to the top, platinum blond hair blowing in the wind, this will evidently prove that I am still a free spirit and physically capable of pushing myself past the boundaries of normal people my age. This would probably be more impressive if I was actually of AARP status and not only 30, so it’s possible I should hold off on this until that point.
Hook It Up
I need to have an affair with someone either much older or much younger than me, and I’m torn about which way to go with this one.
If I go the cougar route and rob the cradle, I most certainly benefit from the physical aspects of this relationship. Plus, parading him out in public would be a nice boost to my ego.
However, if I rob the wealthy retirement home, I benefit from the Sugar Daddy aspectand physical demands would be limited to feeding him mechanically processed oat bran with a silver spoon and wiping his chin.
Both are probably looking for someone to take care of them, meaning I’ll most likely opt for my continued unrequited love affair with several professional athletes and Daniel Tosh.
Or get a plant.
I suppose another option is just to embrace my entrance into mid-life and complain about the weather, pretend not to hear people, go to bed early, choose veggies over beer, glare at loud children, refuse to join Twitter/gripe about how I miss “real” books and conversation, clip coupons every Sunday and then blog about all these mundane daily events in an attempt to keep my questionable sanity.
It seems I’m ahead of my time…
As some one who is slightly over *gasp* 40, all I can say is if it involves moving parts, do it soon!
bwahaha – damn it I thought midlife crisis time was supposed to be 40 – I’ve been planning for that. Don’t tell me I’ve already missed my chance!! Oh and none of your friends will care if you want to celebrate or not – they deserve cake and you’d better supply it! That’s what birthdays are really about 🙂
If you plan to have a midlife crisis, do it immediately. I have 5 years on you and I’m WAY too tired to have one.
Though, quite luckily, I already have the yellow hair and talk about the weather a lot. And eat dinner at 5pm.
Actually I believe the appropriate hair alterations for a mid-life crisis is either getting a Kate Gosselin haircut or dying red streaks, or if you wanna go balls-to-the-mid-life-crisis-walls: both.
Either way, it will look stunning flowing in the wind on top of a mountain.
Judging by this list of requirements, I had my mid-life crisis at 19. Even down to the fake blonde hair. Classy stuff.
Congratulations on your mid-life crisis! You should totally celebrate turning 30 with beer, asparagus and a Sugar Daddy. And I say, don’t discount the afro, either. Can you imagine it in yellow and think of anything more obnoxious? It would be perfect.
I applaud you for thinking ahead. Very mature. Pretty soon you won’t be able to remember what day it is, or what you had for breakfast, or the names of your parents. Now that I think about it, having a blog to keep track of these things is great for an aged lady such as yourself.
Kidding! I have no doubt that you will enter your 30-years-young with more grace and more wisdom.
First of all change of scenery- hello? Italy? That’s what I’ve been sayin’- let’s go!
Also, you get to say things to younge people like, “When I was your age” “You’ll see” “Oh, you’re so young” all of which I’m saying to you because I’m about to fall face first into 50 and would happily go back to 30 again. I’m pretty sure a drink and a nap will make you feel better.
If you’re buying, I’m flying! Ciao, baby!
I want to call you a whippersnapper so bad that I’m air punching. I turned 40 last year. I didn’t handle it well. I made myself and everyone around me miserable. It’s a number. It really is. 30, 35, 40, they’re just whatever.
I hope you take time to celebrate and enjoy it. Then do the same when 31, 32, and 33 come around. You’re funny, smart and talented.
Happy almost 30
Oh Lance, you slay me.
It’s not a midlife crisis until something gets saggy. For me, gravity was noticeable around age 34. So, good news! You can feel frisky for another four years!
Oh crap, you say? Yeah, that’s right, oh crap. Hooking up with someone much younger sounds like a good idea, but when it comes to benefiting from the physical aspects of that relationship – forget it! A few years down the line and you will feel so much more older than you’re feeling right now. You just can’t, well, keep up (no pun indented). Date a guy my age and you will feel so much younger!
P.S. I’m still waiting for my mid-life crisis
Ha. This was all tongue-in-cheek in that I’m actually fine turning 30 and nurturing only a plant 😉
Well … erm … I kind of knew that …
I do a lot of workers compensation cases, and we have to calculate average life span according to the us census. I’d be happy to do yours, if you’re ok with the morbidness and the fact that I’m not going to be authorizing thousands of dollars a month to be paid out until you die 🙂
I’ve reverted to wearing jeans and hoodies and generally looking like a college student. And I still get carded. 30s be damned.
I had mine at 37, I am now one year older, and my mid-life crisis put me into a six month PMS diabolical downward spiral. It’s serious business, I started questioning “where am I now” against “where I should be”, I wish someone would tell me the answer?
I’ve got the tee-shirt. I think a mid-life crisis is like perimenopause. It starts years before the projected PM date and lasts years later. Another female perk.
Ah, to be 30 again. I forget what decade that was. Btw, forgetting is the best part of middle-age.
Double crap–looks like I’m on track too.
Going to be early? Check. Choosing veggies over alcohol? Not yet, but I *will* have veggies w/my alcohol instead of the bacon cheeseburger I used to have. Glaring at children, missing “real” books, clipping coupons? Check, check, check.
Although I have to say, if you’re torn between the young loverboy and the older sugar daddy, I’d vote for both. One of the benefits of having an earlier midlife crisis is you have the stamina for more options. 😉
If I actually had the stamina, that would be a viable option. However, it looks like I’m leaning towards the plant at this point…
I am actually always up for encouraging an affair (since I’m married and it’s considered BAD FORM for me) I say OLDER & YOUNGER….cover all the bases!!!
you’re awesome, no need for a mid life crisis, although I would love to see the BLONDE…we “have more fun ” you know. 😉
Well 30 is certainly not midlife, but if you must go the route of the crisis, I highly recommended the younger man. The older ones may have money but they’re cranky, and that’ll get very tiresome on your ageing nerves 🙂
Crap and damn you! How dare you be younger than me? Don’t forget to buy leather pants…they’re vital in a midlife crisis.
I have a black leather skirt. Does that count?
Ooh, go Cougar, go Cougar! Plants are too much work. They die suddenly, like old people…
as someone who has passed 40, uh yeah a couple of years ago, go younger!
THis post had me cracking up at every juncture! Please don’t forget gold clothing/shoes and sparkles. It’s like becoming an 8-yr old all over again. The cat photo had me rolling.
I love the idea of a platinum blond ‘fro. Maybe reconsider?
Ain’t nothing wrong with turning 30 or really any number. You are how old you feel inside–for me that changes day to day sometimes minute to minute.
My husband is always pissing and moaning about being in his mid-30s. I’m kind of loving it though.
And there’s nothing wrong with a little healthy plant love 🙂
Thanks u, my groan :-\ 55 birthday June 2 😦
THIS SAT Sigh I was feeling down read ur
blog. Wait 4 it …. laughed. I have the
“stare” dwn cold
Mean kitty. Korby Rogers