Why I Don’t Have a Reality Show

The weekend is upon us, which means people are talking with each other about their weekend plans—going out, heading up to the lake for one last weekend, getting together with friends and gossiping about the friends that aren’t out with them, too. 

Truth be told, I hate being asked what I’m doing because it’s usually comparably lame. While I enjoy being social in small doses, I get more excited about plans being cancelled than I would if I actually participated in the plans. My perfect weekend is usually spent outside, putzing around the house, watching the games and generally not having to be anywhere at any time.

In other words, just like I’ll never have a cooking show, I will never have a reality show.

And thank goodness for Twitter, because I can  prove my point with actual tweets from this past weekend. Now keep in mind that these aren’t all my tweets. I did do actual stuff that went undocumented and I only tweet from my computer and not a phone super glued to my hand, but they give you a general chronological idea of how my Friday through Sunday was spent—in 140 characters or less.

The Tweet-end

Yes, thank you everyone for reminding me it’s Friday and you’re happy. In other news, restaurants serve food.

It’s probably not a good things to have left the house wondering if you remembered to put makeup on.

It’s Friday. I’m going on a bender of the cleaning variety. This is why I don’t have a reality show.

Forgetting to ventilate makes bonding with Scrubbing Bubbles much more interesting.

Stretching and carbo loading for the game tonight. You know, the one I’m going to sit on my ass and watch for three hours. #MLB

I would be a social butterfly if it didn’t involve other people. And bras.

Her cat’s on a leash, yet the children run free. Something’s wrong with this picture.

If you steal my tomatoes, I will steal your tomatoes. You’ve been warned, crazy chain-smoking neighbor lady. You’ve been warned.

Maybe it’s because I’m Polish, but I think babushkas need to make a comeback. #NatalieDee


Even though I love them, steamed Brussel sprouts totally smell like urine.

It’s raining and I feel lazy. I can’t be certain, but I think there might be a correlation.

It stopped raining, so I have no excuse to be lazy. However, now back-to-back ballgames are on. I’m officially dating my couch.

Why are your teeth on the table? Don’t throw ham! Hold it until we get back to your room! Did you just pinch me? Old people are exhausting.

Watched a squirrel for 10 minutes. Thought "Wow, squirrels are so easily entertained." Realized I just watched a squirrel for 10 minutes.

Growing up on Disney movies has left me so disillusioned about small woodland creatures and their willingness to help me with my chores.

I don’t know what makes me sadder to see on my walk–road kill or a dropped and melted ice cream cone.

Apparently two allergy pills have the same effect as two Vodka gimlets on my ass. I will not be operating heavy machinery.

I can’t be sure, but I think there’s a blue cardinal at my bird feeder. #Iamthebirdwhisperer

I’m beginning to resent the birds and squirrels for their entitlement issues via the feeder.

Tomorrow is the one week anniversary of my 30th birthday. In lieu of cards and gifts, just send cash.

So as you can see, unless I add in a cupcake competition with midgets and choreographed dance numbers, I don’t think I’ll be getting my own show any time soon. But I’m okay with that, seeing as it would probably involve makeup and interrupt my standing Friday night date at the grocery store.

Plus, dozens would be lost without my minimal presence on “The Twitter” and updates on small woodland creatures treating my fountain like a day spa. 

What can I say (in 140 characters or less)?

I have no shame. 

I won’t hypocritically ask you what you’re doing this weekend, but feel free to tell me what you’re looking forward to—even if it’s just doing nothing. However, I do want to know:

“If you had a reality show, what would it be called?”

22 responses to “Why I Don’t Have a Reality Show

  1. I am looking forward to 2 extra days away from the workplace (I’m off Monday & Tuesday). If I had a reality show, it would probably be called something lame like “Help! My House is a Mess because I Blog.”

  2. i’m looking forward to not having anyone expecting anything from me. Except food. I can handle cooking. We’re having a long weekend too … woot! Indian Independence Day is Monday …

    My reality show title? No clue. Or maybe that could be it “No Clue” ??

  3. I had a deep soul searching myself last week and realized if I became rich and famous I would have a lot more commitments and people would expect me to make appearances, yaddah yaddah… so I decided NOT to become rich and famous. Thank goodness I came to my senses in time to dodge THAT bullet.

  4. Your tweets complete me.
    And I promise if I ever have a reality show, you can totally be that neighbor that comes over all the time and people wonder “hmm..was she really supposed to be on the show but is now just a quirky neighbor character?” a la Kim G on the RHNJ.
    And it would be called “The show that not a lot of people watch”

  5. You’re rocking twitter. Trust me, you’re like the hot new band out of Grand Rapids.

    Down ehre, we are preparing for the largest Yard Sale in the southeast in at elast 20 years. Not everything must go, but a lot of things must go. The kids think they will be millionaries. I am trying to explaning hundredaire to them.

    Just threw down my first day of shamelessness..of course i broke the rules. Rock and roll forever.

  6. Another blogger and I have discussed how we’d be mildly entertaining if we had our own cooking show. Something probably called “Wine and Dine.” Or more appropriately, “Wine then Dine if still Respondent.” (I do my best work in the kitchen with a slight buzz.)

    My weekend plans start tonight with staying in and drinking wine (see above) and hoping that my Saturday plans somehow get cancelled.

  7. These are so great! What a funny tweeter you are, you funny girl, you! Love the baboushka picture! Did I spell that right?

  8. Hahahaha, your posts never fails to cheer me up! My favorite tweet is the one involving squirrel watching.

    As for my weekend, I’m just chilling, having a couple of drinks with my mates and just clubbing, you know the usual….. Nah! As if! That’s just some easy lie that I tell strangers when they ask me about my weekends. Truthfully, my weekend sound a lot like yours.

    I can’t imagine having my own reality tv show. It’ll be so bizarre and I’m sure a ton of people will be creep out because I talk to myself all the time (wow, I can’t believe I just expose that shameful truth abt myself).

  9. My reality show would be called “Super! More Fucking Crumbs.”

    I have weekends just as exciting as yours.

    Maybe one of these weekends you should fly to NYC so we both have something to do?

  10. Pingback: Link Love 8/5 - 8/12/11 | Cordelia Calls It Quits

  11. You make me want to give twitter a second try.
    PS- If neighbor lady has her own apples what in the hey-now does she want with yours?

    • She steals my tomatoes because she’s the nicest person I know, and by “nicest,” I mean “craziest, drunkest and other “ests” that are less than flattering.

  12. you are the few people worth following on twitter.you deserve a million followers but no one with that many has anything cool to say….so maybe its good to be the underdog.

    My reality show would be called, “Seriously, Who Farted?!”

  13. PLEASE don’t make me start reading your tweets just because they are so damn funny! It’s the last social network barrier I have.

    This weekend my Latin lover, Raoul, and I are going to Morocco then returning to delouse small children in a less fortunate neighborhood while still maintaining 3 stars at our upscale restaurant. In short, the usual.

    I’d steal Dorothy Parker’s best line for my reality show: What Fresh Hell Is This?.

  14. It’s Friday night. I gave the dog a haircut. I know how to party.

  15. Im following you on twitter now these were funny. Some weekends I don’t feel too social either

    “Watched a squirrel for 10 minutes. Thought “Wow, squirrels are so easily entertained.” Realized I just watched a squirrel for 10 minutes.” 🙂
    Nathan from wonders and parodies blog.

  16. This weekend is WEIRD but I’m sorta in the future compared to your timezone, so we are in Saturday already, mother-in-law was found passed out without clothes on to say the least, so we are using this weekend to figure out what to do. (his father has dementia, and she does too) how odd and weird is that? Both at once, at the same time. This weekend is a bit crazy, in between all of that I’m catching up on laundry (which I only do once a week) and avoiding the heat today 37c in Japan makes Florida look like ice. OH, yes, and going to watch a movie “Paul”? I think that’s the name? The Mr. is at the hospital now, so just waiting to see what is going on…

  17. I’m proud to hear you still haven’t joined the phone-addicted twitter herd. As for your reality show being boring, I’m slightly begging to differ because I think there’s a market for everything. You’d be surprised how many people would be glued to their television (and iPhones, of course) watching you doing absolutely nothing…

  18. You’re a great tweeter! I’m stopping by from the LBS tea party. I loved when you said you like when plans get cancelled. That’s me! My favorite weekend day is staying in my pjs till noon, reading the paper, drinking a pot of coffee…
    I think my reality show would kick off the “Sit on Your Ass Network.” I work hard all week and I need quiet weekends to regroup.

  19. Your reality sounds like my reality, so I’m infinitely more interested in it than I would be some stupid cupcake competition or something about hoarding. You’re obviously endlessly entertaining in your own right and do not have the need for all the bells and whistles most people need to be even half as entertaining. Congratulations.

  20. thats my favorite weekend, too. it seems anytime I do make plans, I’m hoping/more excited that they get cancelled than I am to go to them. I mean, while I’m there its fun, but you know…. My deck and my pups they call to me.

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