Oral Fixation

I was going to write about something else—I’m sure it was extremely interesting and insightful, too—but I can’t think about anything other than the “drama” that I’m incurring as we speak.

*Note use of quotes to indicate sarcasm, as I know this isn’t a significant issue and that yes, I’m being dramatic. Let’s move on. 

Even though I’m trying to distract myself,  I can’t focus on anything but the damn canker sore that has returned to the inside of my bottom lip. While I’m sure it’s of a completely normal size as far as canker sores go, but it feels as if it’s roughly the circumference of the sun.

The stupid thing showed up about a month ago, went away, came back, went away and is back again. It’s like Ryan Seacrest, only larger in size. 

It’s placement is such that in those rare moments when my mouth is shut, it rubs against my top lip. Any time my mouth is open, it rubs against my teeth. It hurts. It’s distracting. It’s minor in the grand scheme of things, but it’s annoying the hell out of me.

Anyway, I have issues any time my body decides to go off and do it’s own thing without my consent, as that proves I have no control and am helpless to the powers that be. Whether it’s a cold, something more serious or a simple sneeze (or canker sore,) I get frustrated and annoyed at the fact I was not consulted about those turn of events.

In response, I do what most normal people do and spend inordinate amounts of time on the Internet trying to cure things that have plagued humans for hundreds of years.


According to WebMD and a couple other sources, my symptoms indicate that it’s either:

a) your basic canker sore or

b) Hoof and Mouth disease, an allergic reaction to unicorn dander or erectile dysfunction

*By the way, WebMD could up it’s accuracy percentage to 100 if it simply diagnosed everyone as a hypochondriac. Again, let’s move on.


For sake of an argument, I went with “canker sore” and found out the causes can range from certain brushing habits and foods—including citrus fruits, spicy foods and dairy—to nutritional deficiencies and gastrointestinal tract issues. But the most simple cause of canker sores?

Stress, which is ironic, considering this damn thing is causing me large amounts of stress.


I learned that “although there is no cure for canker sores and that they go away on their own after a few days, they do often reoccur.” However, you might be able to reduce their frequency by:

a) avoiding foods that irritate your mouth. Really? I was thinking I might make a meal out of atomic fire balls and rub lemon juice over my lips for shits and giggles tonight. Thanks for that. Plus, another source indicated that yogurt is helpful, contradicting the dairy claim above and proving no one knows what they’re talking about.

b) flossing daily. Yes, because sticking my hands in my mouth sounds like a great way to not irritate the large sore on the INSIDE OF MY MOUTH.

c) avoid stress. Good luck with that.

Final Diagnosis

So to summarize, I am one cranky whiny woman at this point and time, and it’s either because of a reoccurring canker sore (among other things) or erectile dysfunction and an otherwise latent allergic reaction to unicorn shit.

To heal, I think I will require a week to become a hermit in my house—to diminish the stress of being around people, of course—and a prescription for medicinal herbs that might not heal me, but will make me care a bit less about my dramatic “condition.”

But don’t worry! I have no doubt that I’ll make a full recovery, so in lieu of flowers and cards of concern, please just send cash.

After all, anything that makes talking and eating difficult for me is immediately elevated to a status of utmost importance, and I read on the Internet that cash can help—right after I wrote it—so it must be true.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make sure my house is clear of unicorn shit and citrus fruit and that I don’t have an erection that lasts longer than four hours.

I think we’re safe on all accounts.

20 responses to “Oral Fixation

  1. I give you Kindergarten Cop:

  2. When I read the title I thought I was getting soft porn….needless to say I am a bit disappointed. Oh wow, well I hope you don’t run into any unicorns today…or get an erection (but if u do, you should totally write about it)

    Hope ur mouth feels better soon!

  3. I get these all.the.effing.time.

    All this time, I thought they were canker sores due to my tomato obsession and general stress. Turns out it’s all these unicorns I keep under the couch? Crap. Like, literally.

    Anyway, I find chamomile tea and sleep helps..they’re usually gone the next day. Na zdrowie!

  4. I hear you on this one! I get them so frikkin often its not funny. One time I got one like an inch big down my throat and lost all hearing in that ear! You can get cream called kenalog to put on it.. or if you’re feeling masochistic putting salt on it helps it heal faster but hurts like hell. Hope it goes away soon!

  5. ITS NOT A TUMA!!!
    I hate any issues involving my mouth. Period. I can’t leave them alone. I rub them with my tongue like that’s helping anything or swish hot and cold liquids, which again… good luck my dear. This too shall pass.

  6. You can’t go marveling over the weird and horrible ways people google their way to your site when you go naming articles “oral fixation…” 🙂

  7. Canker sores are the worst! Especially the ones on the bottom lip because you constantly rub it/bite it. I usually get 1-2 a year. I hear they are caused by stress as well but I think it’s when you accidentally bite yourself and your body goes to war on you. Just my opinion. Can you tell I hate them?

    There is this cream/gel that my doc gave me that I put on it and it heals within two days. Look into it my friend.

    Oh my gosh the worst is when you forget you have it and your take a sip of hot coffee or something. Ouch!

    Wow I have way too much to say about canker sores. Bye bye!

  8. My husband is always moaning about his canker sores. It’s a huge turn-on. From now on, I’m going to tell him unless it is bigger than Ryan Seacrest, I don’t want to hear about it.

    Oh and sweetie. You never know when a unicorn might decide to show up. Unicorns are like herpes. 😉 And that brings us back to doe. Or doh

  9. Oooo canker sores = my worst enemy. I got them all the time in grad school (hmmm wonder why? I was never stressed?) It’s even worse if you get them on your lip and then have to go work with kids, they stare at your like you’re a whackjob. I just tell them this is what happens when you don’t listen to your teacher.

  10. Canker sores are like having itty bitty jerks in your mouth trying to water board you from the inside.
    I totally understand if you move imto a sealed cave in the woods for “a few days” until it heals onits own, and spend that time chugging whip cream vodka as a pain reliever.

  11. Unicorn dander is a bitch to clean up. Never let your unicorn inside the house

  12. Sorry to hear about your condition, Abby. I’d send cash, but I need all my resources at present to deal with my paper cut, which has been unresponsive to band aid treatment. It’s right on the fleshy part of my hand between the thumb and pointer finger and stings like you wouldn’t believe. Any deeper and I’d need stitches. I think the only long-term solution is to quit my job so I can stop handling so much paper.

  13. Is unicorn dander the same as unicorn glitter?

  14. Ugh, I’d die if I had an allergic reaction to unicorn dander. What a bummer. 🙂 Love the post – sorry about the canker sore

  15. OMG. Abby.

    we’re seriously the same person.

    Seriously, i cannot tell you how many diseases i’ve diagnosed myself with in the past year. my friends even joke about it now every time i run something by then, “oh, been spending some hours on webmd huh?”
    but i mean, seriously, i ALSO had a mouth sore. I was convinced it was either oral cancer, hpv of the mouth, or some sort of gum disease.

    Yea, it went away in like two days. But it was very disconcerting!!!!

    you seriously crack me up.

  16. The only thing better than diagnosing yourself on WebMD is treating yourself- which is what I do. If I have a canker sore I cannot rest until I’ve sterilized a needle and popped it. Hurts like hell until the moment it pops and then sweet relief. Yes, it could get infected and you’d have to have your tongue removed but risk is a part of life.

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