I have a post almost ready about how the appliances in my house are plotting against me, but I decided to hold off on publishing that for a couple days.
Why? Partly because I’m waiting to see if my vegetable steamer does in fact mock me again tonight, but also because I want to share some of the search terms that people have used to find my blog.
Other bloggers do posts like this all the time, and although I present a “top five” list on my Facebook page a couple of times a month, I’ve never actually shared them with the masses (all 10 of you.)
I probably wouldn’t have this time either, but when I saw “Bedazzled yoga pants with garlic,” I was freaked out by the fact that someone knew exactly what I was going to be doing this weekend.
Unfortunately, not all the other search terms are quite as accurate—I swear I’ve never written about “Chef Ramsey demotivational training bras” before, despite that suggestion—but they’re entertaining. With that said, here’s a few from the past couple of weeks.
- Don’t complicate your life with unnecessary thongs
- Do you like my gnome babushka?
- I look better after a few drinks
- Good night, smart ass
- When having a bad day, remember Daniel Tosh’s titties
- Naked grocery clerks with nunchucks
- How do you politely ask a dental hygientist not to use a dental bib?
- The grass is always greener, underneath my wiener
- Your pee stinks T-shirt
- Story of small woodland creatures waking up in purple thongs
- Hippie gnome’s winter coat
- Bitch, I know you ate the last piece of chicken
- Your lizard looks a little limp
- Somebody staple the talk hole on that bitch
- Can I hot wax my own face?
- Unicorn erectile dysfunction and Scrabble porn
- Senior citizens don’t take any carp (not a typo—they used “carp”)
And if you are the one who found my blog by searching “It’s not my job to blow sunshine up your ass,” please reveal yourself.
We need to be friends.
Now if you don’t mind, I have to go bedazzle my yoga pants and put purple thongs on the squirrels in my backyard.
Obviously the public demands it.
Abby Has Issues 
I don’t bookmark you or type Abbyhasissues. I type Uncle June’s cooking show or crazy Detroit Tigers fan into google and poof, there you are.
easy
Seriously, though, CAN I hot wax my own face?
Only if you blog about it afterward. I think that’s the rule (and that’s also what I get for blogging about getting my eye brows waxed.)
Too funny! I recently started my blog and the only search I’ve received is “Black ladies washing cars” SO WEIRD!
Those are seriously hysterical. I’m actually jealous because my “top searches” are always shows boring stuff like “only child”, “dreams”, “kid get dressed to school”. Granted “kid get dressed to school” is horrific English, but that’s as exciting as it gets. I want cool search terms like you! Who doesn’t want to be associated with “Naked grocery clerks with nunchucks”?!?
I’m thinking the family members of the naked grocery clerks with nunchucks would prefer to not be associated with them 😉
I’m clearly doing something wrong, since my search terms aren’t remotely entertaining. Thanks for the laugh.
I admit it. I’m the one that Googled “It’s not my job to blow sunshine up your ass.” I was hoping it would bring up my own blog. Oh, well, close enough.
Wow, yours are way better than mine! Can I adopt “gnome babushka” as my new catchphrase?? The number 1 search term that gets people to my site (besides my blog title) is… fitness porn. Yeah, baby. I always giggle a bit thinking how horribly disappointed they are when they click through. People are weird.
“Fitness porn” is exactly how I came to find your blog!
rofl lmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Those are fantastic. Lately the ones I’ve gotten have been a bit on the creepy/pervy side. I’d hate to repeat them and actually draw more creepy/pervy searches.
I always remember Daniel Tosh’s titties when I’m having a bad day.
Following over from Write on Edge.
I am writing a post about the EXACT SAME THING. It’s even called “Appliances are against me.” I have beef with the washer/dryer, fridge, sink, heater, and electric panel. I feel your pain. #poorgirlproblems
Those are amazing. Particularly: Don’t complicate your life with unnecessary thongs
Really, words to live by.
This post made me happy. I really have nothing more to contribute other than that statement. Cause it really did. That is all.
For some reason the number one word searches are naughty school girl, kill chicken, kill school girl. Shudder.
I would love to follow you but you don’t have a Google friend button and I’m too stupid any other way.
You can subscribe via email or on Facebook or Twitter as well!
It’s a scary little world out there! Know the feeling about household appliances ganging up on you. 🙂
Good read!
Apparently, the public also wants “girls with their vaginas hanging out of their short shorts” because I get a lot of that. It may or may not have anything to do with me blogging about slutty high school girls.
I did ONE post about underwear, and “thong” is in 75 percent of my search terms. Combine that with old people, gnomes and food, and you get lovely search terms.