I’m a Hot Mess of a Tree

I’m looking for a synonym for “shittastic,” as I would like a classier way to describe my week and hate resorting to profanity to express my inner drama queen.

Who are we kidding?

This week has been shittastic.


Thank you, Survival By Design.

Thesaurus be damned, along with a positive blog post bestowing the many things I have to be happy about. I know they’re there, but this week, they’re under a pile of shit.

So my apologies to anyone who followed me this week and was exposed to these Tweets:

  • Gas station cashier sneezed and stared into his hands. I will return to this moment when I have to quit laughing in inappropriate situations.
  • I’m thinking five straight bad hair days actually adds up to one bad haircut. This does not please me.
  • Fact: There’s not much that’s scarier than sneezing while driving through thick fog on a dark country highway at 6am.
  • I walk the walk. I talk the talk. But today I mostly sit the sit and try not to stab people who won’t let me ignore them.
  • I’m thinking a laugh track and someone flashing an "applause" sign whenever I do something would make this day better.
  • Now crazy drunk neighbor lady has replaced her porch light with a red one for the holidays. Sending something other than a "holiday" vibe.
  • You know what’s not awesome? Spending lunch on the phone with the bank b/c my card was hacked. Did not bring an umbrella for this shit storm.
  • This much I know. Tonight will most certainly involve my yoga mat and either whining or wining, vinyasas or vino.
  • Debit card hacked yesterday. Dead truck battery today. Who the hell did I piss off? (And thank you to those who pointed out that it was most likely my toaster.)
  • For those keeping score, it was not a dead battery, It is a broken fuel pump. And expensive broken fuel pump. No car until Tuesday. Awesome.

So I tried being more positive, you know, that whole “you get what you give” thing:

  • The coolest things about being a cartoon character would be wearing the same thing every day and never having to go to the bathroom.
  • Million Dollar Idea: Find someone to create "Dancing With the Swiffer" or "CSI: Couch" so I can get a reality show.
  • Starting a support group for people not obsessed with/using Pinterest. So far membership includes: me.
  • I just released a ladybug back into the wild. Filling out my application for the Nobel Peace Prize as we speak.
  • Business Idea: 1. Buy a wine tasting truck. 2. Park it in front of my house. 3. Sell samples to myself.

As you can see, I did make a valiant effort. Plus, I’m thinking crazy drunk neighbor lady’s “red light” might really be good for my wine truck idea. If you want in, let me know.

Anyway, on top of that crap there’s the normal work and family stuff I don’t talk about because we all have our things. I don’t have it harder than anyone else. In fact, you probably have it worse than me and I salute you.

But everyone has a breaking point.

Everyone is allowed to complain about things once in awhile. Frustrations are not the end of the world or life shattering, but at some point—usually when your car battery dies at 6am or you bite your lip for the 128th time in a row—you need to flip out.

And apparently I need to Tweet about it.

But I’m sure next week will be better, and if it’s not, at least my Tweets will make you feel better about your own situation. As for this weekend, I’m stuck at home  without a car, so I’m thinking I’m might do a little more work on the business plan for that wine truck.

So far I still only have 1. Buy a wine tasting truck. 2. Park it in front of my house. 3. Sell samples to myself.

Actually, that looks pretty solid to me.

Here’s your chance to bitch about anything and everything without someone telling you that other people have it worse. What’s your gripe of the week/day?

33 responses to “I’m a Hot Mess of a Tree

  1. I love this!! And this perfectly describes my week:
    “I walk the walk. I talk the talk. But today I mostly sit the sit and try not to stab people who won’t let me ignore them.”

  2. I was going to ask if you were doing ok, per your tweets this week. We can only hope for a better week next week right? At least it will be a short one.

    I would totally stop by your wine tasting truck.

  3. I thought about the wine tasting truck thing too but realized with my luck DUI would soon be on my resume.

    • Yeah. That’s why it would stay parked in front of my house. I’m pretty sure my neighbor lady would keep me in business.

      • You know what would be really funny? If you asked your crazy drunk neighbor lady what her boyfriend’s name was and she replied with “John”.

        Ok… maybe it wasn’t that funny but I amused my self for about 20 seconds. If you didn’t like it, just blame one of the voices in my head (or the Dust Buster. Your call)

  4. Meh. We all have bad weeks and Twitter and Facebook were created for people to complain and/or talk about themselves. I would say you were using social media appropriately.

  5. You think you’ve had a hard week? This week I learnt there are people out there with a fear of air. This makes sense I guess. How many of us wonder where the air we a breathing has actually come from? It may have come out of a duck’s bum or something! Anyway, it’s called anemophobia and I’m guessing these poor sods wouldn’t even be able to get in a car let alone sneeze while driving. I suggest every time something tough happens, spare a thought for these poor sods.

  6. CSI Couch could do a two parter at my house.

    We don’t use loathsome enough. It’s classy.

    Sorry kiddo, hope your weekend is terrific.

  7. Hang in there Abby. Red light post was my favorite.

  8. The shittiest part about my week is the fact that it’s Friday night and I’m out of wine.
    I wish a wine truck would park outside my house. I’d empty our savings account for a bottle.

  9. Ooh,ooh, can I come over? Pretty shitastic myself. But that wine does sound good. We’ll do drunk yoga, weep together, and sing bad disco later. Then we’ll be ALL BETTER!!! I’ll see you at 10:00 a.m.

  10. “I walk the walk. I talk the talk. But today I mostly sit the sit and try not to stab people who won’t let me ignore them.”

    OK OK. I know you just had a shitty-ass week, and I feel for you, I really do. But. I just laughed out loud. By mahself. So. At least you’re funny about it?

    I say keep the tweets and self-selling wine samples coming.

  11. I’ve had a shitastic day so far, Abby. I went for a run and I was totally in the zone, y’know, headphones in, music blaring, FOCUSED, when I was rudely interrupted by a man shouting at me from his van. Believing he was just being a perv and shouting the usual lines that men generally offer a girl running clad in tight lycra from the safety of their vehicle, I promptly flipped him the bird. Only to realise as I passed him that it was an important client from work.

    Yeah, shitastic.

  12. I think we’ve all had those kind of weeks. I wrote a post about one not as bad as yours last year but I still wanted to scream.
    Here’s to hoping your next week will be better. I’m not sure what’s happening in Michigan this weekend, but we’re supposed to get wet snow today. Probably good day to be without a car.

    • You’re right. The weather is cozy, so I totally have permission to be a hermit. This would be a great time to write if my brain wasn’t fried, but alas, it’s college football and a few tweaks here and there with the “project.” Shhh… Plus, I can borrow my mom’s truck to go to the store. It feels like I’m 16.

  13. OHhh, I’d love to work in a winemobile! Shoddy NOT driving it.

    As far an annoyances, my gripe of the week is my useless coworker. Ugh: http://mayorgia.blogspot.com/2011/11/chronicles-of-useless-mcgee-ribbons.html

  14. shittastic is a great one, when my kids were little they used “craptastic” all the time. It sounds like you’ve had a rain cloud stalled over your head for while. I guess things gotta get better! Right? The wine truck sounds like a great idea. I’d never have to leave the house!

  15. I find your complaining tweets hysterical, so I apologize that I’m getting some pleasure out of your miserable week. Usually, when it rains it (shit)storms, right?

    Side note: I get annoyed when people say “God will only give you what you can handle.” So I will not say it to you.

    Anyway, here’s to hoping you enjoy your time without a car by being a hermit at home with the heat on, in your pjs, and enjoying copious amounts of trashy tv and wine. You deserve it.

  16. Well I think I let most of my main grievances out in my frantic verbal vomit of a post yesterday, but I’d like to add to that list that I think I’m getting a cold AND yesterday afternoon I was in a hurry and waiting at a very packed gas station on the lowest level of “E” and realized after 10 minutes the woman i was waiting on was EATING A YOGURT.

    I told myself at that moment my car was soundproof but the gentleman next to me’s reaction proved very much otherwise.
    At least if we’re weathering this shit storm together, there’s no one else I’d rather share an umbrella with ❤

  17. Can’t compete, won’t even try but I think you deserve to move from shittastic to stabby. Hope next week is better- which sounds totally lame but at least you’ll get a day off from work, right?

  18. Oh this made me laugh! And I needed it. It’s been a craptastic week here too. Baby had an ear infection and the Dr. refused to give me drugs (oh sure he only offers them to her…) and I haven’t got any sleep and I’m behind on work and… oh wait, your whining is funny. Mine is… Crap.

  19. Personally, I think sometimes you have to give what you got. Because you did NOT invite your debit hacker or fuel pump death.

    Also, while I am not financially in a position to join up with your self-supplying-wine-tasting-truck, I WOULD like to join up with another one:
    Starting a support group for people not obsessed with/using Pinterest. So now membership can include you and me both. I can’t even figure out what exactly it is, even now that I’ve visited their site.

  20. oh i want “in” on that wine truck idea – can i get a franchise in maryland?

  21. *raising my hand* I offer to drive your wine tasting truck back and forth to the store to get more wine in return for a wine IV to hookup to my arm during the non-peak hours

  22. Sorry you had a schiesty week friend.

    If I twitted (is that the correct verbage?), I would have enjoyed reading yours! The red porch light would freak me out, I empathize with your car issues because I’ve been there, and I like the business venture idea. When I graduate I’m moving out and joining you.

  23. I loved and adored your shittastic week, because I had one a couple weeks ago and this makes me feel less alone.

    Hmm…I think you know all my gripes at the moment: fucked-up asshole to be surgeried in a couple weeks, unfinished fucking book, missing housekeeper/personal assistant/personal chef/nanny.

    And I keep getting headaches/migraines which mean I Can’t Even Drink Wine To Feel Better.

    Wah. Wah. Wah.

  24. I feel your pain. Office Skank has been burrowing through my desk like a coked-up honey badger and my ex-husband’s douchebaggery has reached the absolute zenith. These days my only joys have been Xanax and the shameless flirting from the toothless guy who runs the Thai food cart near my office. Keep breathing. . .this too shall pass.

  25. I have a feeling you probably want to stab me with my “Are you Happy?” post this week. I try to time my posts for weeks when everyone else is feeling “shittastic” – it’s all part of my master plan to make me look better

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