Let’s Wrap It Up

It’s been established that I’m not a fan of Top Ten lists or New Year’s resolutions, so this “holiday” isn’t a big deal to me.

And after an unfortunate incident that involved two measly vodka gimlets and a low tolerance on Christmas Eve with a couple of friends, I have also established that even though I only drink once or twice a year, I am never drinking again.


In other words, my actual New Year’s Eve will be low-key—as usual.

I’m going to be on the local news at 7:30 Saturday morning talking about the book again (here’s the link to my debut last week. Don’t judge.) This time it’s live TV, so I’m thinking I’m guaranteed to either ramble incessantly, sneeze uncontrollably or bust out with my own personal rendition of “Dancing Queen” while showing how I can do the splits all three ways.

It’s a toss-up.

After that I’ll go on with my day and wait for “America’s Got Talent” to call, spill various things on whatever sweatshirt I’m wearing and crash in bed by 10:30 like every other Saturday night. However, my mom is having the nun over on New Year’s Day, so that could be exciting.

But the point of this post wasn’t to point out that I am the reason I can’t have nice things or why I’m single—or as I prefer to call it, “independently owned and operated—but rather to break my own rule and do a pseudo-Top Ten list from the past year on this blog for the five people who are regularly reading blogs this week.

(waves) Hello, spam commenter “Galinda” who declared, “Heckuva job there, gal! Real brain power on display! Sex toys at my site!”

Anyway, don’t worry. Even though it was kind of a big year for me in some ways—I did turn 30, marry my couch and kind of figure out how to make pictures bigger on my blog—I’m too lazy to actually go back through the last year. So below is just a short list of stats from WordPress.

And because I kind of feel like doing something rebellious and out of character to shock you people, instead of 10 things, I’ll go with nine.

Nine Most Commented Posts in 2011

This list actually surprised me a bit, as I’m not sure I would classify all these as my nine favorite posts, but you were feeling chatty with these evidently:

Top Nine WTF Search Terms Since the Last Recap

  • But what about my needs, you chauvinist squirrel?
  • Look at that bitch eat her cracker like she owns the place
  • Drunk nuns are my favorite
  • Mardi Gras costumes for large dogs and midget squirrels
  • Bend me over while I do the dishes
  • You are my Google, you have everything I’m searching for
  • Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken (yay for Fight Club posts!)
  • Gilad’s thong drawer
  • Expiration date for yogurt and grandma

Let’s Wrap It Up Already


All in all, I think 2011 was neither detrimental nor monumental, but just kind of mental.

I won’t go through and rehash everything I’ve written or thought about—that’s what archives and the Issue Index are for—and I won’t try and summarize 365 days in one post.  I also won’t make any hard and fast resolutions for 2012 or try and predict where I’ll be 365 days from now, mostly because I get distracted and won’t remember where I am five minutes from now.

Instead I’ll thank you for reading my rambles and invite you to continue to join me for the next 365 days—or until I run out of things to say, which could be much sooner than that or an excruciatingly longer period of time more than that.

It’s a toss up.

All aboard.


Forget your own resolutions. Whether it’s women taking pictures of themselves with their phones and posting them on Facebook, meteorologists freaking out over a drop of rain, people using the word “epic” or me rambling, what resolution would you like to see someone ELSE make in 2012?

Like the blog?  Buy the Book.

43 responses to “Let’s Wrap It Up

  1. My father, brother and I are drinkers (duh) and my mother doesn’t drink at all. It is a running gag at our house that “Mom got drunk once… she didn’t like it.” You and she should party. 🙂

  2. Glad I’m not the only one over 4 and under 80 who can’t make it to midnight 🙂

  3. Those are some crazy search terms!

    I’d like to see my husband resolve to get up one of the first 5 times his alarms go off

  4. “You are my Google, you have everything I’m searching for ” I LOVE that. I can’t wait to go use it on Boyfriend.

    Umm I’d resolve for my useless coworker to be less useless. Or, you know, fired.

  5. Dude, you’re a celebrity! Remove your sweet soul, marry someone for 5 minutes, and you could be a Kardashian!

    Seriously, you looked great and the charity you’re helping with the book is simply wonderful. You are using your gift – humor/writing to help animals. Amazing.

    I liked all of those posts, especially, Dear Abby, Quit It. Cheers to ’12.

    • I think a prerequisite for being a Kardashian is an ass, which is something I’m resolving to get in 2012, but not so I can have a reality show. We all know how boring that would be.

  6. The Car Nose Pickers to stop thinking their window glass isn’t transparent.

    Everyone on Earth stop watching anything any Kardashian does. Especially that horrific mother of theirs.

    Old people to stop putting their car turn signals on 2 miles too early.

    Young people to start actually using their car turn signals.

    Ladies to discontinue all the bendy, stretchy open nakedness in the locker rooms of the world.

    Good luck on Saturday & have an awesome 2012. May you end up in NYC somehow, so we can meet for tea on a fabulous couch somewhere.

  7. Love your book Abby!!! My New Year’s Resolution is for “you” to write another book for 2012 so I can enjoy it!!! Hug your Mom and the Nun for me! 🙂

    • Finkle! You just made my day! We are SO all getting together in 2012, even if we have to drag my mom kicking and screaming. Together we can take her…

  8. What a great way to wind up the year! And I never stay up until midnight either…at least I haven’t for at least 20 years!

  9. Hey, the TV clip is fun!

    We too crash long before midnight… turned down the one party invite we go, I want to order in Chinese food and go into a fried food coma, period…

    Happy New Year!

  10. I try so hard not to drink! Ha but somehow I always end up having some champagne. It’s the peer pressure. It gets to me.
    Congrats on your tv appearences!

  11. Melanie The Spork Lover

    “All in all, I think 2011 was neither detrimental nor monumental, but just kind of mental.” This totally cracked me up.

    I am 37 going on 90. I was invited to three parties and will instead stay home in my jammies, and probably be asleep at midnight. Last night I fell asleep at 8:30.

    My hope for everyone in 2012 is that they can pass on their blessings to those who are less blessed than they. I also hope everyone can stop projecting their body/obsessive/cleaning issues on to others. (Okay, I confess that second one is about me. God damn do I project. But I’m working on it daily).

  12. StoriesAndSweetPotatoes

    You’re going to be on TV for the book? Fun!
    The end of the year is just, you know, another day. Love your search terms 🙂

  13. Oh Abby! It’s been a great year reading you! I’ll definitely stick around. so that’s my resolution:Read every one of your posts! (I do anyway. Should be easy!)Kudos on the book, and have a great 2012!

  14. THANK YOU for being one of the VERY few bloggers working this week! LOL I came late to the game, but knew right away you were going to be a fave. I bot the book and am rationing it – I’ll be sad when it’s done, but I can still come here daily!

    2012. Huh. I was pissed cuz I couldn’t find a new calendar and my ds said well DUH, what’s the point??? LOL We’ll see if we’re all still around to discuss 2013. (My bet is YES!)

  15. You make me feel sane- ish after reading a lot of blogs. And yes, that is the anti-depressants talking.

    TV spot is GREAT!

    P.S. When I read your blog, I read it out-loud in my head, you have a British accent!

    Resolutions? Do people actually still do that??

    • Ooh! A British accent! Everything else sounds much classier with a British accent. Maybe I’ll fake one the next time I have to do public speaking…

  16. I am so jealous of your NYE in. I am going to a party at a “friend”‘s house (I use that term loosely because it’s actually a friend of a friend” and I will no doubt be regretting the whole thing the very next day while I’m strewn across the couch, clutching the remote and a bottle of pepto.

  17. I wanted a low key new years and then my friend decided she wanted to come up and visit. Even after I told her about how I wanted the holiday to go (and she was welcome to join my lazy ass), she seems to have it in her head we’re going balls to the wall. Ugh.

    Enjoy the end of 2011! 🙂

  18. i would like the woman who slept with my boyfriend (who is now my exboyfriend), who is now not only dating him now, but living with him, to resolve to GET THE FUCK OVER IT. Whatever ‘it’ is that makes her hate me. She needs to move on. I’ve moved on. He’s moved on TO HER. He and I still share a best friend, I’m not going anywhere. If she could stop being such a bitch, that would make a lot of people’s lives a lot easier.

    *ahem* sorry, bit of a sore spot. . .
    I would also like the drivers of newfoundland to resolve to learn how to use turning signals, and that you can’t turn left on a red light.

    my new year’s eve will not be low key. i will probably be 2 sheets to the wind before I even make it to the bar who’s event we got tickets for.
    One of my personalities is a bit of a lush of a party girl. And I’ve spent this whole week having an affair with my dad’s couch and recovering from the year that was. I’ll be ready for a bit of fun once I get back to the rock 🙂

    in other news, your wtf search terms are amazing, as always.

    ps. sorry about the epic. i’ll try not to say it so much. i can’t promise anyone else will follow suit, but i’ll do my bit.

    • 1) Women are weird, and she just sounds insecure. Hopefully she’ll get the stick out of her ass in 2012 or he’ll grow a pair and tell her to chill out.
      2) I don’t have an issue with “epic.” It was just an example, but trust me, I could include a million examples (I should work on this.)
      3) Be safe. Have fun. I had two drinks a week ago and vowed never to drink again. I’m skinny, a lightweight and a cheap date. We’ll see how long this lasts.

  19. I read the reviews on Amazon, your book sounds good. I’m no able to do a decent oral presentation, let alone being live on TV. I think I would faint in a matter of seconds.
    I’m surprised the ”Coming out” didn’t made the list, it was the first post I read from you and it really struck with me.
    Good luck with the nun. Get her drunk again! 😀

    • I have to admit that I liked that post as well, but it didn’t get as many comments as the other ones. Who knows the rhyme and reason 😉 I’m glad you enjoyed it and thanks for reading all my rambles.

  20. I would like slow drivers to make a New Year’s resolution to stay in the right lane. Every day.

  21. the search topics alone made my year. okay not really but Gilads thong drawer? What?
    I’d rather not look back at 2011. It’s too much. Lets laugh and move on, shall we?

  22. I would really love for my parents to resolve to not ask me “What are you looking for?” every time I get up to get something. It’s one of the most annoying things about coming home!

    • As long as they mean something like the remote and not some existential “what are you looking for in life” type question. That would get old…

  23. I’d love my dad to loosen up a bit. This is me speaking up having a big fight with him over the phone after I told him I planned to go clubbing for the first time with friends. He’s response: “You’re CRAZY!!!! why the hell would you wanna go to a place where people do drugs!” He hung up, I hung up. We haven’t spoken since.

    I guess my NY resolution is to not be stubborn and give him a call. Meh, maybe after the new year.

  24. Good luck on the tv spot!! Happy New Year! I’m very glad we met over the internet this year 🙂

  25. Pingback: Resolutions for Others | www.rubberchickenmadness.com

  26. My resolution is not to eat my young.

  27. I’m really happy that I found your blog and have been able to connect with some other very cool bloggers this year. With your blog, I think it was Studio 30+. Found some other people from Brit at Blunt. That’s the great thing about the internet, you start in one spot and end up someplace you never knew you would.
    Here’s to a great 2012 and more writing!

    • I agree. Studio30 was a great discovery for me this year, as it led me to so many “mature” bloggers that I’ve come to know and respect. I don’t know where I ran across some of the blogs I know read, but I’m just glad that I did. Also, I remember loving your blog header and immediately thinking it was the best one I’ve ever come across. I still feel that way. Love it.

  28. I found where the ”Look at that bitch eat her cracker like she owns the place” word search came from! I saw this on Twitter:
    Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. “Look at this bitch, eating those fucking crackers like she owns the place!”
    Haha 🙂

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