I realize the contents of a post filled with things I don’t quite understand could rival “Twilight” in terms of page count and opportunity for multiple sequels.
However, there have been a few specific things lately that have been brought to my attention—by me—that I want to just throw out there. Either you will explain them to me, or I will continue to make you feel extremely normal in comparison.
Here are some things I currently don’t understand:
- Certain words that look like they should rhyme, like “wager” and “lager” or “mouth” and “youth.”
- When people feel the need to explain why they were away from the computer for one day. Really? You need to explain that?
- Brunch. While I understand the concept—it’s not complicated—why would you want to forgo being able to have two meals by combining them into one instead? I take any opportunity I can for a meal, so I don’t get it. I just know white people talk about it a lot.
This.
- People who constantly refer to days other than Friday as “Today is my Friday!” No, it’s your Wednesday (or any day other than Friday.) Just because you have the day off does not mean Friday is moving up in the week.
- On that note, why are people so enamored with Fridays? Yes, I enjoy them, as it means I usually don’t have to go to work the next day. However, I still have to go to work on Friday and I’m usually beat down by the end of the week. In my book, Saturday > Friday. TGIS!
- Why I can’t knit a little sweater for my computer so that it stops freezing at inopportune moments, which would be any moment.
- The obsession with CrossFit and how these fitness fads come and go so quickly the bandwagon should be cited for speeding.
- People who think they have to make a dessert from scratch every time in order for it “to count.” They make box mixes for a reason people, as even though homemade is preferred, it’s not always practical.
A brownie mix, cupcake pans, a cutout cardboard heart and you have yourself a fun little dessert to take along.
- How Twitter selects the “Similar to you” suggestions on the side. Sometimes I glance over there and seriously question the direction my life is headed if I am similar to some of those people. Then again, I also feel bad for whoever’s sidebar I show up in, so I suppose it’s a push.
- Why the second I turn off the water in the shower, every single brilliant idea I have ever had escapes down the drain with the water.
- Bloggers who talk about monetized page views, SEO, blog earnings, etc. For all I understand, they might as well be talking in, well, html code.
- Sticking with the blogging thing a minute, I don’t understand why so many people expect every blogger to actually be a good writer. Good writers can be bloggers, but not all bloggers can be good writers. Once you drop that expectation and enjoy it for whatever it is—Ooh! Pretty pictures!—it’s much more enjoyable. If it’s not, you can move on.
- Laugh tracks on TV shows. We have come a long way in terms of entertainment and innovation, yet they still think a forced laugh track in the background of a sitcom is necessary in order to cue us to laugh.
- Why I can pluck out every freaking eyebrow on my face except the one eyebrow that I actually want to pluck. Yes, I need eyebrow wax.
There are a couple more, but as I was writing this I realized they needed a post of their own. Unlike my enthusiasm, apparently my confusion knows no bounds.
I don’t get it.
Like the blog?Buy the book.
So, what don’t you get?
Abby Has Issues 
Speaking of the first one, have you seen this: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/01/16/edward-rondthaler-english-language-explanation_n_1208606.html ?
it’s amazing.
robot me: I can’t eat in between meals times. Brunch doesn’t appeal to me.
There are so few Friday songs. I just wrote a Fiction piece and had to research Friday tunes. David Bowie’s cover of an easybeats song was the best I could find…proof that Friday is lame.
I laughed at this post and no one told me too…no track
If you come up with that little sweater for your computer, send me the address of the source. My computer needs one badly!
As you know that you and I share minds, I agree with every single thing mentioned.
The other day, twitter said some peanut butter company was “similar to me” and some car dealership was also apparently similar. Actually, I get the car dealership. We are both very untrustworthy.
Or you’re nutty and full of gas? Maybe that’s me.
OMFG on the shower! I started keeping a pile of post-its (green ones with a tree frog that matched my bathroom) on the counter so I could write stuff down, but that didn’t even help. I’m thinking an actual dry erase board IN the shower.
You are awesome. Awesome.
A friend of mine uses kid’s bath markers and writes on the shower wall. I keep meaning to steal this idea from him, but I usually remember in the shower and then forget when I’m out shopping.
What IS with that “similar to you” section on Twitter? I seem to have the opposite problem as you…my list of people are brilliant successful people I admire and looking at a concentrated chunk of them just makes me hang my head in shame.
Ummm…perhaps you ARE similar to those brilliant successful people 😉
So, brunch is the greatest thing ever invented. On Sunday mornings, there’s NO WAY I am getting up and going to meet friends before 11am for “breakfast”. That meal doesn’t exist to me on weekends.
See? There’s my issue. I don’t meet friends. When I do sleep in, I just eat breakfast and then eat lunch once I digest 😉
Knit a sweater to keep computer from freezing! Just terrific – wish I had thought of it.
I can guarantee I won’t be knitting it, as I can’t be trusted with sharp objects that require coordination.
I like Fridays, but I don’t get why people go crazy over them. They occur every week, people. And everyone ages four and up knows they happen after Thursdays. You don’t have to remind me with your Facebook updates.
Totally feel you about the eyebrows. By the time I’m finished, I have a big hole in the middle and it makes me just want to shave my eyebrows completely and use Crayola markers to them.
I don’t get why my right eyelashes curl much better than my left eyelashes when I use mascara. Hence why I always have my bang on the left side.
*to draw them
Even though I know this is a post written partially in jest, I will attempt to explain what I can.
2nd point: Society guilts us into thinking we are bad people when we aren’t constantly plugged in and responding to everyone else’s needs (aka emails). I remember studying the Pony Express in grade school. Those people had to wait a heck of a lot longer for a reply. What happened to patience? Oh yeah, it went out the window with toys that don’t require batteries.
3rd: I believe in breakfast, brunch, and then lunch, but that’s just me. Plus it usually makes the menu bigger, and gives you a socially conventional setting for eating things like pasta at 10am. I also try to remember there are crazy people in this world (not us of course) who only eat two big meals a day.
2nd to last: How else could the sad sitcoms on television these days stay on the air unless they trick us into thinking they are funny.
As for the rest, I got nothing.
You often show up on my Twitter sidebar. Should I be worried?
I am with you on the people apologizing for being away from the computer for a day. You mean you have a real life? Yes, that is totally something to apologize for! 🙂
I don’t get so many things. Here’s the short list:
People taking cell phones in to the restroom, and talking while sitting on the toilet.
People who don’t clean up after themselves in the common areas at work. This would include the copy room, and the kitchen.
People who ask for my opinion, then get mad when it isn’t want they wanted to hear. I actually have started saying, “If you don’t really want to know what I think, don’t ask. I won’t lie to make you more comfortable.”
People who complain about the same thing over and over. Fix it or stop complaining about it.
Brunch is about the alcoholic beverages associated with it. Who doesn’t love Mimosas, bloody mary’s and screwdrivers?
However, when I have brunch, I still have lunch and dinner.
If I ran into someone similar to me, I’d avoid them at all costs…
As to blogging. I know that a more than small percentage of my blog posts pretty much suck. I can accept that because I’m too A.D.D. worry about it for more than a few seconds anyway.
I don’t get people who, when walking along a pavement, and see me coming towards them, running at full tilt, acknowledge my presence and then continue on. I am moving faster than you, pricks, and your lack of ‘moving out of the way’ causes me to slam my breaks on and trip over your stupid dog.
True story.
Wait… Brunch is to be had instead of breakfast & lunch? All this time, I thought it was a fourth option. Like a bonus meal.
Also, I’ve actually had awesome ideas while sitting on the couch and by the time I get to the computer 5 feet away, POOF!
Oh yeah, I got that shower thing too. Except I lose grocery lists and important things to do, as well as whatever “brilliant” thoughts I had in the shower.
I am so with you on the box mixes for desserts. Who has the time to make things from scratch? Definitely not me…or maybe it’s that I don’t make the time. Either way, I’m lazy in the kitchen.
Oh, and I’ll confess guilt to doing brunch. Though, I usually pick either breakfast food or lunch food, not a combination. It all comes down to what time I roll myself out of bed on a Saturday or Sunday and get around to eating. Again, the lazy factor comes into play…I see a trend here.
I hate the similar to you thing on Facebook more than Twitter. No, I don’t want to be “friends” with that girl who called me fat-ass all through high school. Back off Facebook. You don’t know me!
The English language is a complicated thing. Using the rules of our language the word FISH and GHOTI are pronounced exactly the same.
GH makes the sound of an ‘F’ in words like tough and rough.
The word WOMAN is plural when we change the vowel in the second syllable to an ‘E’. However, the change does not affect the second syllable. It changes the ‘O’ to a short ‘I’ sound, while the second syllable stays the same. Explain that one.
TI makes a ‘sh’ sound when ‘ON’ is tacked on the end. (i.e. nation, constipation, locomotion)
Therefore, GH-O-TI, using English language rules is pronounced ‘fish.
Isn’t English great?!
This comment is kind of amazing. I’m not even being sarcastic. Mind blown.
Okay, this CRACKED me up.
* Those words DO look like they should rhyme.
* People really explain beg absent for one day from the internet? Wow.
* I happen to LOVE Brunch, mostly because they serve alcohol.
* I can’t stand when people say this is my Friday. So annoying.
* Here’s hoping your computer stops freezing.
* I know nothing about fitness fads – because I am too lazy to exercise.
* Hooray for boxed cake mixes.
* You should figure out a way to have waterproof paper & pens in the shower, paten the idea & become a millionaire
* SEO = NO CLUE
* And you’re right not all bloggers are good writers.
* Laugh tracks on TV shows are incredibly annoying.
* And I am dying laughing over the eyebrow plucking issue.
Search Engine Optimization! I think thats tacky for some to talk about, especially when they are making money off hits on their page. I don’t get the CrossFit fascination either. I tried it out and it messed up my knee for a good seven months, no thank you. And don’t even get me started on those who make such a big deal out of not blogging for a day. Drives me frickin batty. Yes, I was waiting for my Google Reader to light up with your latest post. You are THAT important and I have no life.
However I do have to draw the line at brunch. I love it and wish I could partake in it more than just one a week (if that).
I agree with Meleah: create waterproof pen and paper and you will be all set!
I never make dessert from scratch. Maybe cookies… but only if they’re really easy. As in they come from a box. That’s from scratch, right?
And yeah, I totally hear you on the “wahhh this blogger is a horrible writer!” Well, then don’t read it. There’s lots of people who aren’t great at what they do, but if it makes them happy, so be it. Who am I to tell someone what to do with their life?
Also, I’d be honored to be a “similar” twitter person with you 🙂
So glad someone finally mentioned the “look like they should rhyme but don’t” words. I thought I was the only one confused by that. Usually it’s in an older poem. Do you think that back in the day those words were pronounced differently, so they actually did rhyme?
And I agree with what Jessica said — although I am the kind of prissy person who gets annoyed at poor writing, I just don’t see the point in bringing someone down because they aren’t Tom Wolfe or something, and I certainly could never imagine spending the time writing about it.
I enjoy when I spend a few minutes plucking my eyebrows in the bathroom and then get into a different light (such as natural light in my car) and look in the mirror and HOLY CRAP how did I miss the 20 extra ones that make me look like I have a unibrow?!?!
To me, “brunch” is just a one-word excuse to stuff your face well beyond what is appropriate. And I love it.
Second, I will take your “every good idea in the shower goes down the drain” and up you to “I have every good idea/am a way better writer in my head until I get close to a computer/paper and pen.”
Uh-oh…I have a post brewing about my reading problems. And I’ve definitely already admitted a least a couple of times on the blog that I don’t read books for pleasure anymore. I’m not particularly proud of it, and I have a big stack of books I’d like to read someday, but I don’t know when someday will be. I blame my high school. It ruined me. Well, that and the large amount of close-read editing I have to do at work.
You spelled brunch wrong. I know you already fixed it, but I wanted to lift your spirits by pointing out your typo since you seemed really upset about it.
And, as with you, for me, the shower is a garden of new ideas followed by forgetting all of them immediately.