Why I Don’t Have a Stalker

Hello again.

I’m trying to deal with some issues in a “healthier” way than I want to, so I’m writing, but not about those things. Maybe I’ll write about those things in the next couple weeks if I don’t think it will bore everyone. We’ll see. I’m feeling wordy.

But right now it’s the weekend, and  not to brag or anything, but I’m pretty sure I have a hot date with the shovel. Oh yes. I’m told I could get a good six inches, but then again, those things are always exaggerated. 


Or so I’m told.

The only dating I do is reading expiration dates on food.

Anyway, I don’t have a hot date and I don’t have a stalker. Why? Because I’m 154 percent sure that I would bore him to death after about two days.

During the week, my days are basically the same and involve the same route and the same activities. The weekends are similar, minus the drive to work and the occasional TV appearance that at no point included paparazzi or security guards—except to drag me off the set.

Pretty much knowing where I’m going to be might appear to be the formula for a stalker, but trust me. If parts of my Twitter feed lately are any indication, you can see why they would move on to someone with a social life beyond jilted geriatrics and gang-banging birds.

I think I’m safe.

  • For the record, it’s entirely possible to fall up the stairs completely sober. Multiple times.
  • Never ask yourself, “Could I make a bigger mess?” as you will promptly find out that yes, in fact, you can. At least if you’re me.
  • I need the Dog Whisperer to teach Chauncey how to not pee into the wind.
  • It’s kind of amazing how quickly I go from “nothing sounds good” to “why isn’t there more of this to eat?”
  • Today I’m going to replace the word “the” with “le” for awhile. Example: “A piece of le cereal just fell out of my bra.” Sounds classier.
  • Someone found my blog with “Abby + Gordon Ramsay = fuzzy pink gnome tiara” so I have that going for me.
  • Going to Walmart at 6am on the way to work saves the annoying people factor. However, you can’t brag about/show off your teeth. It’s a push.
  • Just spent 10 mins playing, “What the hell did I write on that Post-It?” I think I’m inventing my own language, written only in characters.
  • I’m still wondering if I will ever look at a man as passionately as I look at just about anything with pesto.
  • I think I killed my fake tree.
  • Going to write a novel about a young, successful, beautiful woman who achieves great things. What’s the opposite of an autobiography called?
  • I can’t be sure, but I think there’s some sort of winter bird gang initiation ceremony going on under my bird feeder.
  • Simon says: Shovel, food, couch, hockey game, food, football game, shovel, couch, food, repeat.
  • I actually moved things when I vacuumed today, so I’m basically some sort of cleaning Superhero now.
  • I didn’t win Miss America or a Golden Globe this weekend, but I did manage to watch football & catch up on “How I Met Your Mother.” I win.
  • Despite numerous verbal threats, this bug keeps lunging towards me. I obviously have a very brave adversary. This may take awhile.
  • My uncle called because he was at the bookstore and couldn’t find my book. It turns out he was looking for “Abby is Crazy.” Close enough.
  • Tonight’s quote from the old people’s home: “He might have left me for a woman 25 years younger, but that didn’t make his peter any younger. Have fun with that pickle, missy.”

Now keep in mind that these aren’t all my tweets or anything. I do actual stuff that goes undocumented. I also only tweet from my computer and not phone, therefore reducing the stalker potential even more.

But if you are so inclined to proceed with stalking, please bring a shovel and at least make yourself useful. If I decide to break out the fuzzy pink gnome tiara, I’ll let you know so you can jump back in the bushes.

Just watch out for the gang-banging birds.

Like the blog? Buy the book.

(I encourage this kind of stalking.)

45 responses to “Why I Don’t Have a Stalker

  1. Melanie The Spork Lover

    If I had a twitter account I’d totally follow you. I liked all of those.
    I make deals with spiders so you threatening that bug cracked me up.

  2. Your posts usually make me chuckle…this one might have elicited a guffaw or two!

  3. If you didn’t live in such a cold climate, I’d totally stalk you. Because I’m kind of lazy, and it sounds pretty easy.
    Which is a compliment.

  4. I think we might be related. My life is so boring right now I get excited at the idea of visiting the latina lady who sells tortillas down the street. The worst part is I can actually see her cringe when she notices me walking toward her.

    Still, I like to think it’s just a cultural thing…

  5. We’re having similar weekends. Ball so hard.

  6. StoriesAndSweetPotatoes

    I like twitter stalking because I can still stay in my bubble.

  7. I don’t know, I think you’re making a good case for why you SHOULD have a stalker. They could buy your book and then cut words out of it and send you creepy glued together letters. Nobody steal that idea! That’s mine!

  8. I love being predictable. Change in the routine gives me anxiety. I’ll keep things le same for now and leave spontaneity for if/when I have le children.

  9. I once killed an artificial plant. It was an accident.

    I AM stalking you, only in a really lazy way, you know, just checking out your blog and laughing and then going away and coming back later. That counts. Doesn’t it? *le sigh*

  10. Your tweets are why I bother to even check Twitter. What may seem boring to you is absolutely fascinating to me. Although, I am writing a book called: “Abby in her Natural Habitat,” so this kind of research is essential.

  11. That was in every possible way… fantastic. Cheers. I found you at “Le” Write on Edge. : ) Good luck with that fake tree, I killed mine too. You are hilarious!

  12. I have been stalking you for a while but probably not in the way you want… At least you can amuse your self (and all of your followers)

  13. I engage in twitter chats. Yeah, I know.

  14. I remember all of those tweets. Which means I may be stalking you.

  15. i think i missed some of those tweets, its a bummer i did. but i am definitely going to use the “le” language today. tweet away friend, you keep me entertained!

  16. I, personally, think you’re fascinating. 🙂 But, don’t worry. I won’t stalk. I’m too lazy for that.

  17. If I ever decide to stalk someone, it’s going to be you.

    • Too late, as I’m already stalking you. By the way, don’t forget to take out the trash again this Thursday. I noticed it’s getting full…

  18. This is one of my favorite posts of yours. I literally guffawed at the autobiography bit and the “abby is crazy” part 🙂

  19. I thought Amy and I were your stalkers…..have I went done away with? should I stop reading your blog 10 times a day?

    hilarious as always

    Abs fanboi

  20. Tread lightly, even the boring can be stalked! My freshman through junior years of college I was stalked by a stranger– He would break into my house, tamper with my electricity, vandalize the house, steal things, etc. I moved five times in those three years, but the most amazing thing was that I was So. Incredibly. Boring. I had zero social life, I couldn’t imagine how I had picked this person up. I even made a t-shirt that said “I’m not that interesting” but it didn’t dissuade him. So you never know… haha

    • In all seriousness, that’s really scary. But on another note, maybe your T-shirt should have said, “I have a super creepy stalker and all I got was this stupid T-shirt.” 😉

  21. Of course, I’ll bring my (virtual) shovel, as long as I can bring some snow home with me – it’s hot and getting hotter here in the land down under – and we can have hot chocolate after shovelling, having a snowball fight and making snowmen. Fun 🙂

  22. Can I be your stalker? You never cease to amaze me with writing many of the things I’m thinking.

  23. I’m not bored at all! I think I’d give my stalking self away, though, because I’d laugh until I snorted. Then, I’d get snow up my nose. And that would be bad.

  24. This weekend, I worked, ate Thai food, went for a run, sat on my couch and filled in mortgage paperwork.

    It’s 8pm on Sunday here, and I’m sat in my pajamas already.

    Do I win at boring-dom?

  25. I used to have a stalker that I shared with another writer. The woman was equally interested in stalking both of us and would show up at whatever conventions one of us were working. However in recent years my writing friend and I have stopped conventioning and our stalker, out of boredom, moved on. It was actually kind of sad to not see her lurking around me on a regular basis so, yes, being boring appears to be the answer for a stalker-free lifestyle.

  26. Abby, you seriously crack me up.

    I love all of your tweets and Facebook updates.

    My favorite on this list has to be

    “Going to write a novel about a young, successful, beautiful woman who achieves great things. What’s the opposite of an autobiography called?”

  27. I just have to say that I love the stuff old folks say. Too funny!

  28. My life is just as exciting as yours. Although, we are on vacation. But, given the fact that I’m commenting on your blog, I think it says it all. I can only take so much sun and then come back to my computer and read blogs then watch silly tv. It’s a fascinating life that I lead.

  29. Opposite of autobiography: BULLSHIT! Bwahahaha! I LOOOOOVE your writing! I think I may even love YOU and we haven’t even MET. Maybe I’M your long-awaited stalker. Naw. I’m just an editor who REALLY appreciates good writing!

  30. This was so awesome!! I loved it! You totally need to start using Favstar. You may already know, but Favstar keeps track of your tweets that get “favorited”. It is a great way to also find other funny tweeters like yourself. These were great! I especially loved the one about teaching your dog not to pee into the wind. Ha! (By the way, SO GLAD you joined the “Finding the Funny” link-up. Hope you do it again next Wednesday!)

    • I’ve heard of Favstar but have no idea what it is when it comes to specifics. Not that many people “favorite” my tweets, so I’m pretty sure I would be setting myself up for disappointment, much like I do when trying on WonderBras.

  31. Loved this! I’m definitely going to have to get on Twitter more often!

    Thanks for joining the Finding the Funny party. Looking forward to more great posts from you!

  32. I do not tweet. Reading this post is the first time I have ever regretted that. So you have that going for you at least. I know how exciting that must be for you.

  33. Hey Abby,
    Your post was one of our most popular ones at last week’s #findingthefunny party. We’re featuring you tomorrow!

  34. Pingback: Finding the Funny #2

  35. I totally sympathize – I fall up stairs all the time! They’re surprisingly tricky.

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