Word Search Vol. 3

It’s time to once again play everyone’s favorite blog game—Word Search!

Okay, maybe it’s not everyone’s favorite game, but I like it and it amuses me so we’re headed for Round 3. If you’ve missed the first two installments, Word Search is basically just me sharing the most ridiculous terms that lead people to my blog in the past couple of weeks.

The usual conclusion is that people are seriously screwed up and if the fate of the world rests on these people conducting productive Internets searches, we’re all screwed. 

It also makes me wonder what the heck I’m writing about if a search for “baby goat Fight Club” brings people here.


They obviously don’t know that the first rule of Baby Goat Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Baby Goat Fight Club. At any rate, here are the rest of the highly-suspect search terms: 

  • What would happen if a starfish and a turkey had a child?
  • Quotes about people who think their shit don’t stink
  • Thanks for reminding me how much I hate people and social interaction
  • How do you get popcorn in your pants without resizing?
  • Bend me over the washer and pretend
  • How long has brown m&m been gone
  • People talk about things they know nothing about on Pinterest
  • Squirrel with an avocado cutter
  • Peacock meets airplane
  • I will pee on everything you love
  • Save me from the annoying people
  • How to cut out the penis bone from a raccoon (Note: what the hell?)
  • Don’t date someone who wants to wear your underwear
  • When your dog thinks it’s smarter than you and it is
  • So I read your rant. Why do you insist on poking holes in me?
  • I’m out of bed and dressed so what more do you want
  • Look at that bitch just eating her cracker like she owns the place

But my favorite from this month wasn’t “Dear Abby, help me with loud sneezers in the office.” No, my favorite this month was:

Even if you have issues, I still love you

Because sometimes I need to hear that — just not from whoever searched “come here and let me wipe that bullshit from your mouth.”

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29 responses to “Word Search Vol. 3

  1. Ok, so today, I will make it my mission to use the phrase: “Look at that bitch just eating her cracker like she owns the place”, because seriously? It’s awesome!


    “Look at that bitch just eating her cracker like she owns the place.” Pretty sure I prompted this search, there was a guy lookin’ at me funny while I was eating my cracker walking through the Wal-Mart last week. I guess I was strutting. It was a good cracker!

  3. I think you should write a post with each of these as the title. I am especially looking forward to “Squirrel with an avocado cutter”

  4. Hahaha that last one IS best. I’m fond of “I will pee on everything you own.” I can’t wait to see what weird searches come up after my boob pain post yesterday.

  5. Squirrel with an avocado cutter? Why does a rodent have nicer kitchenware than I do???
    Also, when I lived in the dorms, I did know a girl who drunkenly peed on everything her roommate loved. The roommate totally drycleaned her leather jacket after that. But we all still knew what happened.

  6. Personally, this is my favorite:
    “I will pee on everything you love.”
    It made me laugh in a sad sort of way. I’m a little concerned to see how people are finding me. But, since not many people are finding my blog maybe I need to start adding some of these terms.

    • I don’t think you want people who threaten to pee on everything you love to land on your blog. You have enough fans as it is, and none of them threaten bladder elimination.

  7. My fave is the bitch with the cracker! Hilarious!

  8. This: “Look at that bitch just eating her cracker like she owns the place” is f*cking fantastic.

  9. I am now going to respond to everyone who says something mean to me, “I will pee on everything you love”.

    Thank you for that.

  10. Melanie The Spork Lover

    I am with iampisspot. I want to be the bitch eating a cracker like I own the place. I may just start carrying around crackers so I can do just that.

  11. The only one I can help with is (…strangely): “How to cut out the penis bone from a raccoon”

    I believe that penis bones are regularly removed from wild animals for research – I think has to do with DNA, looking at population structure, etc. One would hope, however, if you were a biologist you would have other places to turn to than Google.

    That said – I want to be saved from the annoying people too.

  12. most mammals have a penis bone. humans are the weird ones.

  13. The beauty of having popcorn in your pants is that you DON’T have to re-size them.

  14. Maybe the baby goats are fighting to write search terms?

  15. I feel that “Peacock Meets Airplane” would make a fantastic indie folk rock band name.

  16. I never search things as clever as “I will pee on everything you love.” I’m a dud. A boring dud. I need to add a little excitement to my searches.

  17. Penis bone. Raccoon. I’ve heard enough.

  18. That is cracking me up!! Are you serious??? That is insanity. In. San. Ity. And I love it.

  19. I’m not even going to tell you the weird search terms that come up for me. I mean, I do write about farting and getting laid so what can I really expect?

    I think you need to start a new “Dear Abby” column. But only for AARP members. 20 yr old can figure out shit on their own.

  20. Awwwwwwwwwwww! “Even if you have issues, I still love you” I second that. I just finished reading your book and now I have an even BIGGER “girl crush” on you.

  21. StoriesAndSweetPotatoes

    I can’t believe you even mentioned Baby Goat Fight Club on here. They will find out. And now you’ve made me talk about it so they’ll be coming after me too. Thanks a lot Abby.

    These are all fabulous titles for your next book.

    • I wrote about Fight Club more than a year ago, and it still shows up in a ton of searches. I try and keep it low-key though…I think the goats are safe.

  22. This begs the question “what WOULD happen if a starfish and a turkey had a child?”

  23. This is my favorite “Squirrel with an avocado cutter” because I can just see that squirrel using his special Pampered Chef avocado cutter while he sits on my fence.

    And, if you don’t eat your crackers like you own the place, you should just go back to bed.

    Hysterical. Found you at finding the funny.

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