I Didn’t Want to Publish This

This is a post I was hoping I wasn’t going to have to publish. Why? Because it means I didn’t win the Mega Millions drawing on Friday.


This is a bummer because I already had the post written for when I won.

“Hey guys! I’m on my own tropical island working on my exotic container gardens while tirelessly devoting myself to perfecting the slow motion ‘Baywatch’ jog.  Be back in a bit!”

It’s also a bummer because I need money and wouldn’t have turned into one of the 8 out of 10 winners I read about who go through their money in five years and freak out.

I can tell you I wouldn’t get weird. I would get awesome.

So while I don’t generally buy a ticket, the idea of that much money gets the attention of almost everyone, and if you have one functioning cell of imagination in your body, you’ve thought about what you would do with all that money.


First, I would hire a lawyer to handle weirdoes coming out of the woodwork and the details of my fortune. That lawyer would look exactly like Matthew McConaughey in “A Time to Kill” and I would force him to work topless and smell like either Clinique Happy for men or toast.

I would also work on a will, as now I would have something other than my collection of Jillian Michael’s DVDs to leave my family should I meet an untimely death by garbage truck returning home from making my bank deposit and/or passing out bread to wounded geese at the fowl retirement home.

Don’t laugh. Considering I won the lottery, the odds of the garbage truck thing aren’t beyond the realm of possibility.

Of course I would do all the things like pay off my house, take care of my mom and a few hardworking and responsible people I’m close to who wouldn’t let money mar those values. That’s a no-brainer, and most people would give that answer.

But what about after all that normal stuff is done and you still have Matthew McConaughey on retainer? 

That would be the fun part, as I could be a stay-at-home-mom minus the kids, do yoga to stay in physical and emotional shape, write an engaging and witty blog and oversee the management of numerous animal rescue centers I created instead of just making a small donation.

Once that was set and my hair looked fabulous because I could afford to go to a stylist, I would go around and do awesome things for random people—friends, strangers, those just needing a little lift. It sounds lame, but after I had taken care of the big items—and funded a Trader Joes in my town—that’s pretty much the thing I would most want to do.

It would make my heart happy.

I know, I know. There are things money can’t buy, like a prolonged life to spend all the money, a toned body, those authentic belly laughs that leave tears streaming down your face.

And I would still be cranky if it was nearing my feeding time, people would still annoy me when they say “conversate” and the dog would still pee into the wind.

However, these things would be much easier to deal with from my own tropical island working on my exotic container gardens while perfecting the slow-motion “Baywatch” jog (see above.)

Instead, I’m at home looking at the drunk squirrels doing somersaults in my waiting-to-be-planted garden and moving in slow motion because it’s Saturday and the week kicked my butt.

But while I still believe whoever said money can’t buy happiness wasn’t trying hard enough, for now, the squirrels will do.

Like the blog? Buy the book.

The million dollar question: Responsibilities aside, what completely ridiculous thing would you want to buy?

35 responses to “I Didn’t Want to Publish This

  1. Smelling like toast!? Do I want to know?

  2. Running from Hell with El

    Death by garbage truck eh? Give my regards to the drunk squirrels my friend.
    Moi? I wanna buy a magazine like the New Yorker so that my shizz will be on the front cover. Narcissist’s dream and all of that.
    For now, I am content to practice the extra-slow body-too-fine to jiggle Baywatch jog. Catch you on the homestretch.

    • Trust me that you don’t want to buy a magazine or publish one of your own, but with that kind of money, I think you could talk someone into writing a rather flattering piece on your fabulousness or hire someone to run one for you 😉

  3. I’d still be a stay-at-home-dad minus the kids, do yoga in my dreams to stay in physical and emotional shape in bed, continue writing my engaging and witty blog and conitue my vegetarian existence. As for the ridiculous thing I would buy…. probably one of the great pyramids.

  4. My husband and I were having this discussion last night, I would want the services of a maid for the rest of my life. I would never clean again.

  5. Did you buy a ticket? I live under a rock and didn’t even know about the huge payoff until it was over.

    I would fund my “figure out my dream place to live” world tour if I came into that much money. After I figured it out, I would indulge my “House Hunters International” fantasy. I’ve hated every single person/couple I’ve ever seen on that show–perfect house where they live, but seeking another perfect house in a ridiculously lovely foreign locale too. Jealousy is not pretty.

    And I would buy my husband the concertina (don’t ask) he so desperately wants…and build a wing onto the house so I don’t have to hear him practicing.

    • I’ve never seen “House Hunters” and don’t think I would buy a new house, but I for sure would fix all the crap I can’t afford to do on the one that I have…and I would finally get rid of Comcast, as they are the root of all evil. Not money.

  6. I’m just glad I’m not sending you a bill for $100 an hour. Do I still have to call you cute?

    Ridiculous thing I’d buy? Season tickets to all of my favorite sports teams so I could go see games whenever I wanted. I know that stupid, but I know me.

    • Umm…have we met? How is that stupid. I didn’t list my things here, but you know I would be at Comerica Park more than 50 times a year and make a trek to Cooperstown. I just figured that was a given.

  7. Hahah this popped up on my blogger dashboard JUST as I was thinking “damn i wish i won” and then I remembered I didn’t buy a ticket. I play that “what if…” game sometimes. It gets depressing because I’m NOT a millionaire.

  8. I’m with you about the animal rescues. That would make it worthwhile, but I didn’t buy a ticket. I actually don’t want that much money — or really, the attention that would come from it. What a humongous pain in the ass. Even on an island they’d find you.

    • I was hoping to match four or five, you know, just enough to be secure forever and help out those who need it. But lo and behold! You don’t get anything for matching just one number 😉 Back to the drawing board…

  9. great minds think alike. now I have to go take down my blog post. 😉

    I didn’t buy a ticket. I meant to buy one, but I totally got distracted doing better things. Oh well, a dollar saved!

  10. seriously stupid…like SERIOUSLY – but I’ve always kind of loved the whole “having things that are generally only commercially available installed in your house” thing; naturally, I’ve only applied this fantasy to restaurant/foodstuffs.
    So in no particular order, a crumbly ice machine, a soda gun, a walk-in freezer AND a walk-in fridge. Also, a contract with a sustainable, high-quality wholesale fishmonger aka fresh, guilt-free tuna at my every whim.

    And probably a dog nanny. I’m always terrified I’m “doing something wrong” in my care and keeping of Cooper; I wouldn’t want him/her for paying him adequate attention, that’s the ONLY thing I know I do right; but somebody to ensure he’s groomed on a timely basis, nails clipped frequently, someone to help determine whether he’s chewing/licking due to allergies or obsessive tendencies (he does both)… just a personal, dedicated CooperKeeper so that I don’t walk in to the vet terrified they’ll call animal services every time for something I didn’t even know I was supposed to be doing. (Do you see why I’m not cut out to raise human beings?)

  11. I know you won’t be surprised, Abby, but I would go to Paris for fashion week and would buy myself couture clothes from my favorite designers. Oh and shoes. And a handbag. But that’s it and then I would be fabulously dressed while I did all the other selfless stuff.

  12. We always get scratch-off tickets for our bdays from the husband’s folks, so he decided to invest our princely $8 windfall from that into tickets for The Big One. I haven’t checked them yet, so I’m still assuming we won.

  13. A trip to outer space. No question about it. Right now it can be done for the perfectly reasonable price of $2M. Pocket change?

  14. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    I’m like you, no amount of money would change that I become panicked and grumpy when I’m hungry. So, I suppose my crazy purchase would be to hire a chef.

  15. First of all, go for Toast Scent. That’s something you can never tire of.
    Secondly, I’m sorry you didn’t win. Because I’d love to hear a lllllll about it.

  16. Squirrels sound like they didn’t buy a ticket either.

  17. I didn’t win. I didn’t buy a ticket though. I bet I would’ve won.

  18. What ridiculous thing would I buy? A house in France, one conveniently located to a bakery, a winery and a cheese maker.

  19. We lost too… but apparently someone one county over WON.(&&^$%!!!!!

  20. I I don’t want to win the lottery for myself – I’ve seen what money can do to people. However, I’ve always thought it would be amazingly cool to go into the bank, march right into the manager’s office, and pay off a chunk of soon-to-be-foreclosed mortgages for random people. Oh, to have the satisfaction of watching those bankers jump through their paces….

  21. StoriesAndSweetPotatoes

    I hate this stupid mega million jackpot. I didn’t enter because I don’t even have a dollar to do so and thinking about that much money is depressing to me. I might burst into tears if fifty bucks fell into my lap. I only hope the people who won do something good with it, like pay off their mortgages. And I’m being serious. I hope people just get themselves out of debt and then get on with their lives. Man, I’m such a downer here. Sorry 😉

    • Yeah, that’s a bit of a downer, but I get where you’re coming from. Given the fact that we haven’t been able to catch a break in forever, it’s depressing to think about all that money we’ll never see. But it’s also fun to temporarily suspend reality for a minute, throw in a buck and shrug it off. 😉

  22. You made me laugh with Matthew McConoughey smelling like Happy or toast. I love the idea of being able to just do random wonderful things for people who really deserve it. That would be the best!

  23. “and smell like either Clinique Happy for men or toast.”

    Oh, Abby! You crack me up!!!!!!

    Sorry you’re NOT living on your own tropical island working on an exotic container gardens while tirelessly perfecting the slow motion ‘Baywatch’ jog!

  24. I would travel “luggage free”, buying anything I need, whenever and wherever I need it, and immediately disposing it whenever I don’t need it anymore. I wouldn’t keep things, everything in my life would be disposable. I would give away all my properties, possessions and belongings, so I don’t have to own anything. The only thing that I would have is money in the bank to do whatever I feel like doing.

  25. How much for those squirrels???

  26. bluntdelivery

    oh how i’ve missed u my dearest

    i’m making a comeback on the blog friend front. this is my olive branch. forgive me please.

    just as i have forgiven u for not winning the lottery and sharing it with me.

    how dare u.

  27. See, I don’t need the ridiculous amount of money. About $1 million after taxes would do me just well so I could pay off loans, buy a house for myselves and the parentals, travel and safe. I don’t think that’s being greedy at all and I would most definitely be moody if I was hot, hungry, or tired.

    I dig your idea of a Matthew McConaughey lookalike.

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