While Thursday is generally just the day in between people annoying me with “It’s Hump Day!” and “TGIF!” it’s actually a really important day for me this week.
It’s Opening Day.
And yes, we have a Detroit Tiger gnome named Leyland.
If you’ve followed this blog for any amount of time, first of all, thank you and you deserve a medal of honor and possibly a psychological examination. But you also are aware that baseball has always played a huge role in my life and quite frankly, in my happiness.
Because the Tigers open up their regular season on Thursday, I felt like I needed to write a post about it. Then I realized that the post I was trying to write had already been written—last year, by me.
It’s tacky to refer you back to old posts, but if you have even one tiny cell of fandom or like reading about my 89-year-old grandma explaining the rules of the game to her deaf friends at the nursing home, please go back and read these two posts.
They’re important to me, as I’m grateful to have another Opening Day to celebrate with the old woman and another season to enjoy. I’m taking Thursday afternoon off and once again, the three of us will gather around the TV and belt out the National Anthem off-key before my grandma simultaneously yells about a bad call or how the popcorn tastes like shit.
But another reason I love baseball is that after star players retire, they can still entertain us with their talents. No, I’m not talking about starting charities or becoming insightful game analysts, although those are commendable endeavors.
I’m talking about Twitter, and specifically, Jose Canseco on Twitter. The following stream of tweets last week have nothing to do with baseball, but quite honestly, they’re just as entertaining. And now I want Jose Canseco to send me a virtual hug.
Jose Can You See
how do we stop global warming
reduce reuse recycle morons class in session i complete you of to practice for my playboy celebrity golf tournament
clowns if you dont stop your mass consumption we will have no polar bears soon need to recycle or else no more bears
1 more stop global warming tip .turn your home heat all off at nite .saves $ an energy and lowers your body temp so u will live 20% longer
flanel pajamas morons share body heat like the pioneers did even in snow
hole families used to sleep in one big bed and produce no waste how did we go from their to killing polar bears in 100 years
al gore was a head of his time .i miss him rest in peace buddy hug for u
sorry al you need to make some more noise .Keep fighting for us i believe in your and i am with you
what did you clowns learn yesterday other than gore is not deed?
Had no idea @algore had a tv station. What a coincidence he is all over news today about firing people. Hug for u al
we need to consume less and protect enviroment for future generation nobody has no regard for the earth anymore. lets do our part
His last solution?
how about a sitcom where I play a gym teacher and wear those old skool nuthugger shorts coaches used to wear with those high tube socks
*I did not edit any of these, as the horrific nature of grammatical structure simply adds to the charm.
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There are several players with really good twitter accounts. Jose and Ozzie Guillen have the craziest/most entertaining. Logan Morrison of the Marlins is great too.
Happy Opening Day. You are the only person I know who gets as excited as I do. The Braves travel to New York and take on the LOL Mets so I’m expecting 3 wins.
play ball, Abs
I figured you would appreciate this, as you are going to be my HUGE baseball buddy this year. You’ve been warned.
can’t wait….Cardinals versus Marlins tomorrow. maybe Jose Reyes will pull a hammy in the new stadium.
my sister-in-law went on a few dates with Jose Canseco. She would kill me if she knew I admitted that publicly.
You just made me want to join Twitter.
I love that you love sports so much. I have no interest in them, but you make me feel like I should like them.
That is awesome. Wow. I just wish I could become famous so I could say any nonsense and people would just LOVE it!
These are great.
My favorite one is : “how about a sitcom where I play a gym teacher and wear those old skool nuthugger shorts coaches used to wear with those high tube socks”
THAT is absolutely hilarious. Ohmygoodnessgracious. You know, I’m not surprised. I watched him one season on The Celebrity Apprentice. He didn’t appear to be too bright. I love how he just ends one of those tweets with “no more bears”. What an insightful guy.
“No more bears.” Jose sad.
Just saw that you linked this up to #findingthefunny. It was definitely an appropriate one to link up! BTW, I received your book! I am loving it!
Al Gore is not dead???? Good to know. I like his use of the word “morons.” No reason to sugarcoat things, right?
On a sorta related note, I met Johnny Bench’s dentist. I know, it’s not much of a claim to fame, but ya gotta work with what you got.
Actually, I believe he said “Al Gore in not deed.” I loved the replies to that tweet as well, as “deed” wasn’t lost on the masses 😉
You need to follow Jose Canseco on Twitter. It’s everything you think it is.
I do! That’s how I found these little gems. Every day it’s like a little present when I open up the Twitter Machine. You couldn’t script this stuff…
I’ll be sitting in front of my tv on opening day, too, but I’ll be cheering for my Boston Red Sox.
Woot! Go Sox!
People wouldn’t believe you if there weren’t proof right there in black and white!… Sheesh, nuthugger. He’s just a bright penny, isn’t he?
Happy Opening Day hun. Long live Jose, Al, and Jim Leyland!
Ok, so I’m going to be honest, most of the blog post was lost on me. I’m a Brit and I don’t understand baseball. I also don’t even know who Jose Canseco is, HOWEVER, the fact that his tweets are utterly bat-shit crazy and so outrageously grammatically incorrect has made me want to follow him on the Twitter.
Well, at least you can relate to my love of a sport. And Jose is (obviously) a wacked out retired player. Long story. His tweets sum it up 😉
You’re excited about the Tigers? That’s like being pumped about Cleveland. Or humped BY Cleveland–same thing.
Well, the Tigers will be at the top of the division and Cleveland at the bottom of the heap, so I might say that Cleveland will be the one bending over? 😉
Now all I can think of is that cheesy National Anthem joke. Enjoy your baseball! Baseball’s fine all (Go Cubs! . . . I know, pathetic), but I’m really more of a hockey fan.
Hockey and baseball are my two loves! I can’t wait for playoff hockey. There’s nothing like it–Go Wings!
Royals fan here. Hubs was cracking up over Jose’s tweets all week. We are very excited about the season, although I have no idea why because, hello, we’re Royals fans.
Happy Opening Day! The Cards break out the bats in 90 minutes and I’m so freakin’ excited…
“Old skool nuthugger shorts?”
I’m gonna need some mental bleach after that…
Wow! And to think, I didn’t know Al Gore wasn’t around anymore. Hope you have a fabulous day with the oldies enjoying the game!
I love that you’re a Tigers fan, too. We also have a Tigers yard gnome. He has a different outfit on than your guy. He guards our garden…but he’s really bad at it. Squirrels and shit are in there all the time.