Female Problems

I’ve always been a little confused by women.

They’ve never screwed me over or anything, but I don’t really understand them and always preferred to hang with the guys. And seeing as I generally try and avoid makeup, drama, dieting, photographs, baby things and shopping, stereotypically speaking, that excludes me from many female social circles.

And Pinterest.


So I do what I usually do when I don’t understand something—I avoid it.

I realize this is bad because the friends that I do have who don’t have a penis are actually really freaking cool—not to mention really freaking tolerant, seeing as they understand that my idea of excitement is sitting on the opposite end of my couch than I usually do to watch the game on a Friday night. But sometimes it’s hard not to lump the rest of the estrogen all together.


Because in between all the cool women are those annoying ones who do things like gossip about other women as a result of their own insecurity—and post 3,502 self-portraits a day, but that’s neither here nor there.

So in an effort to improve our society as a whole, I thought I would offer up some suggestions to “those” women so we can all like them more.

How to Be More Awesome

Be Decisive

Speaking in an ambiguous code and expecting others to understand and make decisions for you invalidates the power of your own intellect.  If you feel like you need to consult 40 people before making a decision or voicing an opinion, something is wrong.  Say what you mean and mean what you say and make no apologies for feeling that way.

And please, use real words.

Eat Real Food and Move On

I talk about food all the time and know that a lot of people find recipe inspiration or support for their health efforts by talking about it with others. I’m not addressing this.

I’m addressing people who constantly talk about the latest dietary restriction or crazy plan they’ve imposed upon themselves (and everyone else through pictures and constant updates) in an effort to find the “perfect” way to eat.

Here’s a tip: Don’t buy crap. Don’t eat crap. Repeat. No need to broadcast this. Also, if you use lettuce instead of bread, it’s not a sandwich. It’s basically a sleeping bag for salad.

Don’t Act Needy

Constantly seeking outside validation is the quickest way to annoy people. There’s nothing wrong with feeling insecure—heck, I’m the queen of it—but purposely acting helpless is not only annoying, it also makes the rest of us look bad.

You are stronger than you think. Embrace your strength. Don’t diminish it.

Take a Compliment

Even if you don’t agree that your haircut looks good, just zip it and say “thank you.” Someone took the time to notice and say something nice about you or what you did. Don’t act like an ass and argue with them about how you think it actually sucks.

So if you find yourself surrounded by these annoying women, remember that you have free will, ladies! Wasting energy by a) trying to shape them into more tolerable people or b) gossiping about them to make yourself feel better just pushes you into the annoying category.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I realize this post could make me sound like I’m hating on women, but I don’t mean that this is all women—only the ones that cause all the other awesome ones to feel stabby.

We all need to stick together, so just view this as a public service on behalf of all the cool women out there who don’t want to hear a grown-ass woman say “cray-cray” or complain that you can’t read her mind.

You. Are. Welcome.

Carry on.

Like the blog? Buy the book.

Did I miss anything? Let’s share.

54 responses to “Female Problems

  1. StoriesAndSweetPotatoes

    As the title led me to believe this post is not about menstruation. Nothing bothers me more than women who are so insecure, unable to make decisions or articulate their own opinions. Unfortunately society has produced more women with these issues than men. It just so happens I am not one of the women and do not know how to talk to them. Literally it’s like trying to communicate with a bird or something. And these women think I’m a huge bitch so the misunderstand goes both ways. But I don’t care much. You are correct in that the women I do connect with are supremely awesome. I hope as a culture we can even out a little.

  2. Oh how I needed this VERY BADLY today. Thank you kind lady. I used to have one or two girlfriends, and all male friends. Now I’m the opposite. I consider myself extremely blessed to have found a lot of amazing ladies in my town whom I can relate to, and who put up with my crazy.

    I honestly agree with all of your points. I will add to the food one that if you are one of those fad dieters, or you restrict your diet, no one wants to hear about it when we’re all out at a restaurant. I think it’s great if you are on Atkins or Weight Watchers if that’s what you need to do to feel okay, just please don’t ruin our meal by talking about it at length during dinner. I don’t sit there saying stuff like, “Well, this cow isn’t local but I guess I’ll eat it anyways.” “Excuse me waiter, do you know where this asparagus is from?” I would have to kick my own ass.

  3. Hahaha good advice! It’s hard not to be needy sometimes. Sigh.

  4. I couldn’t agree more, especially about the food thing. Take me for example – I only eat organic, whole foods and this new diet I’m on lets me eat cherries, which I haven’t had since that Cherries Only diet I was on in the 90s! But I don’t know, I’m probably still eating all the wrong things. I always mess everything up. Also, DO YOU THINK I’M PRETTY??? 😉

    • I just have to say once again that I’m so glad you joined the world of blogging. We’re all better for it.

      • You’re too sweet – that means so much to me! I would also like to say that the feeling is mutual, as evidenced by the fact that I linked to your blog in my post today before I read this comment reply, so you know I totally heart you. 🙂

  5. Yes, I did three verses of Jay Z’s 99 problems when I read the title. “Female problems, i feel for ya, son. I got 99 problems but a bitch aint one”

    I was quoting Jay Z. Don’t yell at me for the lyrics. Its a classic.

    I wish you could teach these things to my 4 women. I wish.

    • I know that classic, so no need for the Jaz Z explanation. And I’m pretty sure you could teach a class to men on women 😉

  6. Does this comment make me look fat?

  7. I have a love/hate relationship with ovaries. I don’t think much compares to having a really awesome girlfriend who knows you inside-out and is willing to love you and tolerate you despite the day, the mood or the avocado stains on your t-shirt. Maybe I feel this way because I’ve never had a sister and instead got a little bratty brother. But, yes, women can also be obnoxious! Girls who pose with that “deer in headlights” look in their profile photos because they think it’s cute, girls who gossip, girls who are mean to other girls because they’re insecure/jealous/whatever. Oh! And girls who laugh manically whenever a cute guy says something, no matter how IDIOTIC it is. Shivers.

  8. Do you know how much i love this??? Absolute TRUTH! Now at 43, I find that all that stupidity we thought we left in high school is STILL there. Now just with kids and a heavy debt load. I have very few woman friends. The ones I do are whip smart and beyond the foolishness. One of the reasons we’ve found each other is because of the desire to be above the crapola.

  9. But do you still love me? Because we both know i fall into every single category ….hanging heas forlornly….

    • Oh please. You do not, other than the fact you’re acting insecure 😉 I love you BECAUSE you’re one of the awesome ones. And even if I didn’t? It wouldn’t matter what I thought. You still rock, so zip it woman.

  10. I saw that cartoon a couple of weeks ago and wanted to make a full-sized poster of it for my house! I would have…if it were a dog instead of a cat. (Nothing against cats; they just make me sneeze, so I hang with the dogs at parties). I can usually manage to mask my social discomfort when surrounded by women who are telling their childbirth stories for the fortieth time, or exhibiting any of the annoying girlie behaviors that you mentioned. But eventually my eyes will glaze over and I will seek out the resident canine. Just wanted to let you know that your blogs and Facebook posts make my day–love your insights and humor!!!

  11. What an excellent post! Spot on advice!!!

  12. Loved the cartoon. If I can find an animal, any four-legged animal, when in a social group, I’ll head right for it. Even if it’s female. Yeah, I’m a bit shy. Otoh, while I agree with you somewhat about some “girls”–isn’t that kinda an old white male term for anyone with ovaries?–aren’t we putting ourselves into an “us versus them” position here, a “socs versus greasers” role? Sometimes ya gotta dig for the diamonds and even when you find them, you hafta scrape off the dirty green part. Please don’t bite my head off, I’m just sayin…

    • I’m a little confused by your comment, but I would never bite your head off. I think you just mean I’m kind of putting women against each other, but I’m totally not. Women do that enough themselves, which was kind of my point. Women need to stop hating on other women. But other women need to quit being so annyoing and easily hateable 😉 It’s all relative, and of course, no one’s perfect. Especially me…lord. Especially me.

  13. I probably irritate you then sometimes but you’re still following me, I think. Or if you aren’t, shoot. Now I’m just harassing you. Or not. 🙂

    I say cray-cray sometimes because my cousin does. She lodged it there. I’m trying to stop. I’m kind of annoying in general. But I try to keep that one to a minimum. Duly noted!

    And I LOVE this “Don’t buy crap. Don’t eat crap. Repeat. No need to broadcast this. Also, if you use lettuce instead of bread, it’s not a sandwich. It’s basically a sleeping bag for salad. ”

    I am a little focused on dieting right now, but I really only eat healthy food. I’m just cutting back on beer and cheese. So by dieting really I mean coming up with more exciting recipes. So if I ever become like a crazy diet person, slap me in the face with a fish 🙂

    • Please. I don’t think any of the annoying people read my blog anyway, seeing as I post things like this 😉 But I promise if you ever become cray-cray diet person, I will slap in the face with a fish.

  14. WTF? You change where you sit on the couch? I SO cannot be friends with you anymore.

  15. Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    I’m an awful compliment acceptor. It’s an effort to just say “thank you.” I feel like people need to hear the whole story before they decide they like something about me. I bet it’s extremely annoying to compliment givers. I’m trying to improve in that area.

  16. I can count my close female friends on one hand. I much prefer the company of boys, which is ironic, y’know, because I’m a big ole’ lesbian.

    I really cannot bear to be around women who play the ‘victim’ role to full effect. I think there’s something terribly sad about a woman who has to resort to fluttering her eyelashes and looking like Bambi in the scene where the Mum gets shot, to communicate with others, especially men.

    To women who do this: Stop it, you have a brain (I think). Use it.

  17. Jennifer Smith

    If I think too much about this particular breed, I sink into a deep dark pit of despair and find it a struggle to emerge from it.

    Thank you for this post.

  18. I think one of my biggest accomplishments in the last few years is learning how to gracefully take a compliment. Now when I see other people who aren’t able to do so, I just want to shake them and scream “YOU ARE WORTHY OF NICE THINGS, JUST SAY THANK YOU!”

  19. I would like add to your list : stop using social media (FB, Twitter, Instagram) to post your marathon training schedule, post how many miles you ran and how long it took, comment on how great running you felt after running 8 miles today. I don’t freakin’ care. I really don’t care 7 days a week. You want me to treat you like my toddler and gregariously clap my hands while shouting “Yeah ABDC” clap clap cap “who’s my big girl” clap clap clap “ABDC is soooo big”. Give it a rest.

  20. I feel like this should be taught to girls in middle school.

  21. Just started reading your blog and absolute love it. You are a Brilliant writer! “Don’t buy crap, Don’t eat crap” What a briliant concept. 🙂

  22. Whenever my vegan (read: anorexic) coworker looks at my lunch and asks “do you KNOW how many calories are in that?” I want to say, “Bitch, please. Yes I do and I’m going to enjoy each and every one of them. Cancel my subscription because I am tired of YOUR issues.” And the next time I hear ANYONE over the age of 18 use the words “cray-cray” for crazy or worse yet, “totes” for totally ((shudder)) it will result in a roundhouse kick to the jugular.

  23. kelleysbreakroom

    This is so true, Abby. The self-portrait thing over and over is what makes me cray-cray.

  24. I actually I want to post this on my Facebook page, but I can’t because I’m too stupid to open an account, and if I do open an account it’ll be to brag about my 100% vegan macrobiotic kitchen where I’ll also post 1000’s of pictures of me as I show off my new diet books, and once I have my new gossip site up and running maybe I can do all this if my horrible husband will show me how to do it all but then again I think I’ll just go shopping, because this morning I realized my BFF has 5 pairs of Choo shoes and I only have 4 but then again I have Louboutins and she doesn’t, the skank!

    (can I breath now please?)

  25. Four daughters, my wife, my MIL, my wife’s sister an I, all lived in the same house for a long time. Some of everything you mentioned in your post went on in that house. Some of it still goes on… Geez!

  26. Nice post! You’ve expressed everything that I’ve been feeling since I finally transformed myself from a doormat to a relatively functional human being. Women are mysterious creatures and I say this as one. I’m continually annoyed by some and amazed by others.
    The very cool women I know make up for the crazy ones. Well, at least, most of the time they do. Thanks for being one of the cool ones.

  27. I almost spit out my food at “sleeping bag for salad.” And here I was, begging you just now via email to post this one. What a whack job I am. I LOVE this post–it encapsulates everything about you that I love: genuine, sensible, HILARIOUS, and all-around lovable 🙂

  28. Ah yes. Luckily I do have a lot of women girlfriends, but that’s only AFTER I weeded out all of the needy and insecure ones over the years. And I had to get rid of the ones who define their whole existence based on having a man.

    PS: Much like you I also avoid makeup, drama, dieting, photographs, baby things and shopping.

    • Holy crap, yes to the thing about defining their existence based on having a man. While relationships can be great, they should be a supplement to your life–not your whole life.

  29. I’m just saying “LIKE” to this one.

  30. you sound wise beyond your years…or are you old? LOL! I crack myself up! Have agreat day, Abby!

  31. I gotta say, you sound like the kind of woman I’d want to have as a friend. Yes to decisiveness and a big ol fat (not as in you look fat) no to neediness and comparing myself to others.

    I also have this weird compulsion to share that I had fries with my lunch today. I could have chosen salad, but I like fries more. So there.

  32. Amen. I’ve always gotten along better with guys too. I just find the company of men less inane than that of many women. That said, I have some great girlfriends, but most of them avoid makeup, dieting, baby things, and shopping too.

  33. I have never been able to play the game, and I always end up thinking I must be crazy (not cray-cray) when things get weird with girls I’m trying to be friends with. It takes a lot of work. On the other hand, I’m great at deflecting compliments in real life but I do love the validation i get on my blog 😀 (I also use too many emoticons)

  34. Full of good tips here, most of which apply equally to men and women

  35. I kind of wish I could meet women with these issues. they sound wishy-washy and stupid. My problem with women is meeting the secretly jealous, stealthily manipulative ones who are smart but focus their intelligence on honing their back stabbing black widow traits. Bitches that suck you in then use any sort of personal info they can as dirt to throw in your face later are the girls I have been meeting in the last couple of years. It’s pretty sick. I will be blogging about these bitches in the near future because I’m typically a man hater writer and my motto used to be “trust no one with a penis.” Now it is “trust no one with a vagina.” Stay tuned………

  36. Once again – one of the most clicked links at Finding the Funny last week! Featuring you tomorrow!

    Anna @ mylifeandkids.com

  37. sweetladylemon

    I usually don’t spit drink out when reading funny stuff(like a lot of people say they do), but I really wish I hadn’t just taken a sip of my coffee before getting to the “lettuce in a sleeping bag” part because my coffee is now on my shirt. Love this post – very good and funny!

  38. Great post! You got this 100% right. How about the jealous or always in a competition women?? Ugh. I would rather hang out with my dogs or guys any day of the week then most woman.

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