After careful consideration, I’ve decided to only take advice from chocolate—namely Dove Promises.
I’m not a big dessert person, but I do enjoy a little piece of chocolate every night—something I consider my chocolate closure on the day. As such, Promises usually wind up in my cart over the other mini treats due to the fact that you also get a little note inside the wrapper.
Let’s take a look.
There’s a big difference between being busy and being productive, and I’m trying to remember that it’s called “conserving awesomeness” and not laziness. So often I’m already thinking of the next conversation, the next meal, the next post, etc. that I’m not really “in” the moment.
Note to self—human being, not human doing.
I’m not that “daring,” so to speak, and I think it stems from an incident when I was little and pumping away on the swing set. “Someone” dared me to jump off and be like Super Grover from the Muppets. I had some good hang time, but landed directly on my tailbone. From that point on I carefully screened all my dares.
Unless you’re at a funeral, it’s hard not to smile when you see fresh flowers. I don’t randomly buy myself bouquets, but I spend money on my flowers because I find calm in nature—except for bugs.
Especially that one bug that somehow manages to keep circling my head while I’m walking even though I’m flapping my arms around like an idiot to get it away. But other than those laced with neurotic bugs, flowers make me happy.
Sometimes people look at me like I’m nuts when I smile at them—and no, it’s not when I’m flapping my arms around my head like an idiot to swat off the bugs—but I don’t care. A smile can make someone’s day.
However, this wrapper isn’t really advice and it’s a little bit creepy, no? I don’t really know this “Dove,” so how does “Dove” know what my smile looks like? (And honestly, it’s not that great of a compliment considering I don’t actually accessorize with anything more than cat hair at this point.)
GAH! My laugh? How does “Dove” know what my laugh sounds like? And now that I’m thinking about it, what’s with signing all these notes with “Love” and using an exclamation point?
I think things are moving a little bit too fast. All that I wanted was a piece of chocolate, not some sugar-coated stalker. One more chance…
Okay now, hold on.
This wrapper is proof that “Dove” is not in fact a sugar-coated stalker, as they’ve obviously never read my blog and the “advice” that I spew. If they had, they wouldn’t make this ridiculous suggestion.
Now that I feel a bit better about things, I have no problem passing along the final advice I received:
Be it chocolate or flowers or simply a laugh, treat yourself today.
And per Dove’s suggestion, your bill is in the mail.
Sweet advice, indeed.
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Love this! So great!
I am not a chocolate-loving person (bring on the jellybeans and salty chips, though) — but I think I may have to give this philosophy of life a chance!
I feel like the Promises are much more tasty–and accurate–than bland fortune cookies, no?
chocolate will always be wiser than me.
Not a dessert dude either. But if the answers to life can come in something that induce a diabetic coma…I’m all in.
Chocolate is a great way to end the day; or start the day; or celebrate the halfway point of the day; or to celebrate waking up………
Ha! Like I said, I’m not a real sweets person at all. But I have my one or two little pieces after dinner or my bedtime snack every day. Closure 😉
Clever post! And being the chocoholic that I am, I can totally get behind chocolate advice 🙂
These made me crack up. Like you have a Dove stalker watching your every move. They’re like the magic 8 ball of chocolates, only you don’t have to ask them a yes or no question first.
Hahah I agree, the laugh one is a bit weird.
I seriously think you have something here. I am trying to think of other types I food I can rely on for helpful advice or direction. I am thinking I will start with Crackerjacks.
i wanna here your laugh.
Dove is so smart. I wish I had Dove’s phone number.
My favorite is “You should charge for your great advice.” Wtf? I would love to have the job writing inspirational sayings on Dove. How do I get that job?
I once read this advice, in a fortune cookie. A twisted fortune cookie:
“Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else”.
It put me right off my Chinese takeout……
I’ve actually heard that quote before and kind of like it.
I only take advice from condom wrappers.
I didn’t even know condom wrappers had advice. Again, I prefer food.
i’d like to know, what am i being promised here Dove? i’ve lost complete trust in people. maybe chocolate is the answer from here on out.
Great, trying to diet today and now I just want dove bars.
What a clever, fun post, Abby. I, too, must have a piece of dark chocolate every night. I tell myself it’s for the antioxidants… I lie.
Abby, this is sofa king funny! And yeah, how in the world could DOVE know what your smile looks like or what your laugh sounds like? You could be a toothless hyena!
Hmmm. Dove bars…much better than that Magic 8 Ball!
Ever since I found the best fortune cookie message “You will be known and honored as a true community leader” I gave up on finding anything that could beat that perfect message. I mean what if I opened up a delicious piece of Dark Dove chocolate to find something that said “Don’t trust the fortune cookie” then what? I’m asking you Abby – what would I do? Tell me, you can charge me via PayPal because I need to know before I dive into a bag of Dove. ツ
I have issues with PayPal, so I’m thinking you should just send you cash directly to my little abode. But if I had your situation, I would keep the fortune and eat chocolate with no expectations…selective superstition 😉
I’m waiting for your reply. Not being a creepy stalker, I don’t work for Dove. Just waiting for answers…
Think of it as getting hit on by candy!
Wow, those Dove promises are way better than any fortune cookie fortune I’ve ever received (tangent: why are those things never “fortunes”? I get so frustrated with that!).
I like “your smile is your best accessory”. I’ve worked with the elderly on a few occasions, and I’ve discovered that a smile makes you look more attractive and at least ten years younger!
PS – Happy birthday to your gram!
Thanks, and I do totally agree. Nothing is uglier than a scowl 😉
My candy never tells me anything but that’s probably because I buy the kind size and I’m beyond advice.
King size, that is. I guess Dove would tell me to “type better.”
Dove’s advice is better than Yogi tea advice. Every once in awhile I get one that seems really inappropriate…maybe they’re somehow just getting to me..
Wow. Crazy stalkers work at Dove, apparently. Although, I have to say that I really like the first one. Next time the hubs asks why I’m just sitting on the couch, staring vacantly at the TV instead of cleaning or making dinner or doing laundry, Imma tell him that I’m just being, not doing. Dove told me so! :p
They have to make you feel good so you buy more chocolate! As if you need a reason to buy more… 🙂
hahaha i love this post! you are a witty, lovely writer my dear 🙂
this is so fun! chocolate is very wise… I need to again focus on human being rather than human doing. 🙂
Now, I think this is a great post. I told you. It’s always the ones you think are the throw aways that people respond to. And, you do give good advice.
So did you eat all of these things in one sitting? I probably would. Just to see the next message. Yeah, that’s it…
I wonder if Dove and fortune cookies have had it out yet. BTW, love, love the Super Grover reference. Totally got that.
(Thanks for linking this up over at #findingthefunny last week!)