I’m not one of those fancy people that has a DVR to record shows without commercial interruption. This means that when I have the TV on and I’m doing other things at the same time instead of sitting there to watch the show I was waiting to sit down and watch, I am exposed to advertising.
While some commercials are highly entertaining—I could watch the Slowsky’s all day—most of them are annoying and last so long that I’ve forgotten what show I was watching and vow to never buy their product.
But in the spirit of expanding my worldly knowledge to dispense among the dozens of you who flock to this blog, I decided to share some insight.
What I’ve Learned from Watching TV Commercials
- I have a majority of side effects of multiple prescription drugs that I’ve never even taken.
- Men are all balding, irresponsible and only respond to sex, food and things that explode. They can’t be trusted to buy anything without their wives or girlfriends, but they can however use a grill while wearing an apron and smiling.
- Lipstick is made of some cement-like substance that will never come off until you tell it to.
- Melted cheese must be stretched out before consumption and a frozen dinner is apparently the secret ingredient to spicing up a romantic evening.
- Outback Steakhouse is really, really Australian.
- When a family gets a new luxury SUV, the first thing they do is take it off road and drive through one-lane mountain passes and water-covered roadways at breakneck speed.
- Everyone laughs when they’re eating candy or wearing a tampon.
- On that note, it’s perfectly acceptable to pull out an unused tampon and show it off in a group setting.
- Kids don’t watch TV–they watch toasters—and they find it fun to patiently wait for their Pillsbury Toaster Strudel.
- Every one of my local news stations is the most accurate, watching out for me more than anyone else and willing to put their lives on the line to bring me the news.
- Senior citizens with bowel and bladder problems spend part of every day in tennis whites.
- In order to get rich, I need to get attacked by a dog or injured in an automobile accident, in the workplace or through a hospital’s negligence so I can sue (and the lawyer can afford to not make his/her own commercials.)
- No one can back their car out of a garage or driveway without incident.
- All breakfast foods aimed at children now contain “More Fiber!” than it takes to fill an industrial silo, which leads me to believe all children are constipated.
- Speaking of that, when a group of female friends get together they spend all their time talking about constipation or eating yogurt, which is apparently the key to fulfilling their innermost serenity (the yogurt, not constipation.)
- Bacon and diarrhea have the same manic PR person, as almost every commercial includes one or the other.
- The factory workers who make Honey Bunches of Oats act like they’re personally responsible for the cereal satisfaction of every person on the planet.
- If I use a certain whitening toothpaste, not only will it land me a boyfriend, but I’ll also be able to land planes at night due to the brightness of my choppers.
Advertising dollars well spent.
What have you learned from TV commercials?
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Didn’t you know that every single toy is what makes children incredibly happy and, most importantly, COMPLIANT and RESPECTFUL? That’s what I learned.
While suffering insomnia, mostly due to the side effects of some drug I’m also not taking, I learned that I apparently suffer from erectile disfunction. All men do, from what I’ve gathered. Where the population explosion is coming from, I do not know.
But wait, there’s more. If I act now, I can get two for the price of one. I only have to pay additional shipping and handling fees. I’m not sure what that means, but I’m lead to believe that additional handling may be the cure for the problem in the first place.
I laughed so hard at all of these. I was taken aback though by it being perfectly acceptable to pull out an unused tampon and show it to people. Only because I read it as someone pulling out one from their vagina, that didn’t yet have blood on it. I was scared.
You can also get rich if you ever took Yaz or worked in a place with aesbestos. Maybe they don’t have those commercials in Michigan?
I dvr stuff, and watch stuff in real time. My favorite commercials are usually Jack In The Box, and I pretty much want to kill all car makers.
The Honey Bunches of Oats factory workers are a smug lot.
Yogurt — it’s a women thing. It’s THE women thing apparantly. All your life’s woes can be solved with yogurt.
But only of you’re a woman.
Brilliant, my dear!
When someone wants to sell you something that can cook/chop/store food, they completely lose their Indoor Voice.
So do I when I try and use something that can cook/chop/store food.
I laugh like a hyena when I’m wearing a tampon. But then, I work in advertising.
I think they make a drug for that.
I SOOOO needed that. I am at the office and I needed a break in the worst way. I wish I could pick a favorite. The candy/tampon one comes pretty close.
I think we should start a fund to get you a Tivo. I can’t remember the last time I watched something “live” because I’ve gotten so used to avoiding commercials. Maybe we’ll end up with $650,000 for you!
Nah. I only really watch sports, and if I don’t make it to the couch to catch the whole thing, I can watch one of the 80 ESPN channels for the score. Plus, it’s very old-fashioned of me to get excited to watch “Chopped” and then complain about it when I forget it was on.
You don’t have kids so this horror isn’t yours. But I hate commericials because my kids scream “i want that” at every toy or electronic device one. I think the people who make those are evil and they’re laughing behind the children in them.
Don’t underestimate the whining power of my cat when the Fancy Feast commercials come on. She is unbearable.
ha…great point..ours too
You just made me laugh so hard! I had to read your entire post out loud to my husband (in between giggles). Thank you for such a good laugh! 🙂
we dont have cable, but our antenna gets nbc, so thats the only channel’s commercials i see…and yet you pretty much rounded them all up.
dont forget the newest round up, thanks to the P&G presence at the olympics, every commercial seems to be about how moms are the best thing on the planet. i actually dont have a problem with these ads, but kyle moans like crazy every time they come on because he took a class by the former ceo of P&G and couldnt stand the guy.
I love those Honey Bunches Of Oates workers! They’re so friendly and happy to be at work. I know it’s probably fake, but they seem like very kind, sweet people!
These are spot on. And, I never needed to know what a priapism is. Why did they force me to learn that exists???
This was so great and so spot on! I can’t even think of a thing you didn’t mention!
Ladies love, LOVE to go out for drinks and talk about their birth control. If they aren’t having a cocktail talking about YAZ, then they’re mothers in a P&G commercial.
Great point. I guess I’m just glad I’ve yet to see my mom as an extra in a Viagra commercial or something.
i basically only see TV when there’s one on at stores or the silent ones on at the gym.
and somehow with the microsecond of TV i might see a day, i know exactly what each of these points refers to.
I actually *like* commercials. So much, that I was truly happy when I saw the people from the Free Score dot com empire brought BACK the ORIGINAL band.
Your list of things you learned from advertising made me laugh out loud for real. I think my favorites on the list are:
“Everyone laughs when they’re eating candy or wearing a tampon.”
“On that note, it’s perfectly acceptable to pull out an unused tampon and show it off in a group setting.”
I don’t mind a lot of commercials either. There are some really clever ones out there, but good lord, most of them could really try a little harder 😉
Omigosh! One of your finest, snarkiest ever. I snorted out loud and woke up my husband. Oh well. I think there are ear plugs for that. Have you seen a commercial about ear plugs? 😉
Don’t forget that every woman loves to Swiffer her kitchen while dancing with the mop and smiling like a motherfucker.
Actually, I DO do that, so it doesn’t really count…
So toothpaste is the reason I’m still single?!?!? Clearly I’ve been buying the wrong kind. Blasted!
I hate it when I’m stuck watching commercials because I’m doing something else while watching tv. And how many times must the same commercial come on during the same show???? BUt worse, when I watch a show online, they break for commercials and it’s the same one every single time! Still not worth getting the DVR though.
hahaha! This is awesome. I guess at my next book club I will bring yogurt and tampons (unused, of course). So funny. I will be sharing this one.
Great list – ha! Don’t forget the women with bladder control issues who like to go dancing and sail down the coast with their silver fox of a husband.
This is HILARIOUS. I know what you are talking about with those new whitening-toothpaste commercials. I hate them so much I couldn’t possibly convey the magnitude.
I read this the other day and literally quoted it and showed my friend your blog yesterday while giggling and drinking…”isn’t she right? ” I said, “isn’t SHE hilarious??”
she loved you so much she ordered your book…;)
plus you made me laugh and be soooo thankful I watch most things on DVR time.
Your comments always ALWAYS make my day. You are a gem 😉
sorry Abs, that’s YOU girlfriend…the gem. 🙂 xoxo
This made me laugh SO HARD. All of them but I love this one the best I think: “I have a majority of side effects of multiple prescription drugs that I’ve never even taken.” ME TOO SISTER.
Every time I see a commercial for some sort of prescription drug, I want to scream. I do wish these would be outlawed. No one needs to know about erections lasting four hours or the technical name for them. Maybe I’m just cranky with all the heat.
Oh, so, so true…
When I come up to visit, I’m bringing lots of yogurt!
“wearing a tampon” sounds funny. I think the tampon wears you.