The new Batman movie came out recently.
Even though I like action movies, I won’t be going to the theater to see it because a) I’m cheap and with a few exceptions, I won’t spend $9 to go and b) see point “a.”
However, I deal with a lot of companies for part of my job that bank their success on the licensing of Hollywood trends, so needless to say, superheroes have been everywhere the past couple of years.
Why are superhero costumes, in particular, so popular?
The general thought is that when people buy that costume, they imagine they are that superhero, even if it’s just for the moment. An executive was quoted as saying that sometimes people “see themselves in their favorite superhero, through both struggles and glory, through qualities we admire and qualities we wish we could emulate.”
Or they just want to look cool at a party.
But regardless, this got me thinking, which we all know isn’t my superpower. Yes, it would be nice to hook up with a Man of Steel that could leap tall buildings, but let’s be honest. Who really wants to be around someone that needs to find an actual phone booth to change clothes? Impossible and impractical, not to mention disgustingly germy.
So instead I have created my own version of the superheroes I would like to see wandering the streets and helping to better mankind—or just me.
Spider-Man
So a skinny gentleman gets bit by a genetically modified spider and gains spider-like abilities that he must use to fight evil. I’ve been bitten by a spider and all that I gained was a huge painful welt and the inherent paranoia that suddenly spiders WERE EVERYWHERE and I must use a sandal to smash up the evil.
Instead, I would like a Spider-Man to instinctively sweep in every time the arachnid nemesis attempts to tip-toe his way into my house and I have to try to “save” it with a piece of paper and a cup to shoo it into before freaking out and just stepping on it.
Batman
Forget Bruce Wayne and the passive-aggressive Robin. All I’m asking for is a hot baseball player. The end.
Iron Man
A rich guy has an accident, is forced to build an armored suit and decides to use its technology to fight against evil. Really. An armored suit. That will really come in handy when it’s 103 degrees in Michigan with 80 percent humidity.
Instead of that scenario, I want an Iron Man to actually come and do ironing. This is the part of the program in which faithful readers remember how much I love ironing and I tell those who are new here that I don’t exactly love ironing. Or iron, for that matter.
The Avengers
I don’t need a group of superheroes trying to stop Thor’s disgruntled brother from taking over the Earth. I would just like this group of intimidators to avenge the murder of a few of my plants as a result of the woodchuck who has broken through the impenetrable fortress I’ve created around my garden.
The furry bastard must go.
Avengers unite.
Catwoman
Apparently a woman with the speed, reflexes and senses of a cat walks a thin line between criminal and hero. Hmmm…this is one I could get behind. I’m not fast and my reflexes are comparable to those of a sleeping sloth, but I feel like I might possess a few cat-like senses—namely the fact that I can be anti-social, possessive of food and distracted by colorful things.
However, I can’t explain why this cat would prefer to sleep on a shelf and not the cushy leopard print cat bed that’s available to her instead.
I suppose that’s why we need superheroes.
What superhero would you like around?
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Abby Has Issues 
Hah! Yours are much more practical. I know I’d be a *garfield* cat woman. Lazy, hates mondays, loves lasagna, loves sleeping. Yes please.
Exactly. I would totally be a Garfield myself.
Abby, you’ve scored big on this post! Excellent! Very clever and creativie!!! I think you made my day!
excellent, i think you have all the practical super heroes covered! i need edward scissorhands to come over and cut my yard, and trim my hedges.
Yes! That would be awesome, especially if he looked like Johnny Depp (minus the fake weird accent.)
Ohhh that is brilliant!! Estelle covered mine . . . Hmmmm . . .
Nobody puts Monie in a corner. Well, except for Monie I guess. That picture is so adorable. We’ve never bothered getting Chuck a bed, because he prefers lying on the hard tile or wood floors over even our carpeted areas.
My favorite super heroes were the Wonder Twins, even though they always took the form of really dumb stuff. I would have turned myself into a rich early retiree.
My super hero is Buzz Lighyear, from Toy Story (1, 2 & 3) because he may not be able to fly but can “fall with style”. Every time my knee goes wonky and I’m about to take a tumble, Buzz will rush in and fall for me. Swoon 🙂
my superhero would appear out of thin air (like the Great Gazoo), ready to supply me with a witty comeback when I cannot think of one.
I would also love your Iron Man and Spiderman – in the very short time we’ve been in the new house, I have seen SO MANY spiders, and some have been way too big. *shudder*
I want to be Rainbow Brite just so I can wear rainbow and have cool hair, but I’m not saving anyone and will not take pictures.
Honestly don’t care who shows up–if they have super powers of any kind, they are welcome to come pitch in with the housework around here any time 😉
oh i like your versions of the superheros so much better. so much more practical and would actually come in handy. thanks for the smile
Since this is skewed to a ridiculous amount towards the female perspective how about Superwoman: never nags, when she wants something she always tells you what it is and never makes you “figure it out”, and of course the base superpowers, cleans, does dishes..i could go on but tired of typing on a phone.
When I was a kid, I liked Mr. Green Jeans. He may have been local. When you live in a town called Ashtabula, not even the superheroes know where to find you. Except for Bob Dylan. And really, how much damage can a person do with a harmonica? (Loved your post…you are one crazy lady.)
I’m not sure I’ve heard of that one, but anyone who wears green jeans is bound to be interesting…
If I choose a superhero, does that mean I have to wear spandex?
No. In fact, I wouldn’t recommend it (although I’m sure you would look lovely.)
It’s true- the idea of a super hero is just so impractical. I just want someone who can dust the corners of my ceilings. Is that too much to ask?
Best super heroes ever! Must find illustrator to pen your ideas into campy graphic novels…then you can afford buy the cushy print for your bed rather than trying to appease the Cat of Mysteries! (and hire a guard for the plants, too.)
Hilarious post
My superhero would cook for me, decide what I would eat and when oh and she would also pick out my clothes for me. That is a superhero isn’t it?
I would like Xena Warrior Princess. Because she’s hot.
Is she even a superhero?
If she’s not, I can still ‘have’ her though, right?
Well you’re already are The “Abs”. What more do you need?
Crazy Catwoman?
I hadn’t thought about it before, but aside from the ladies, who’d be out of luck in the winter, most super hero uniforms would be a beast in the summer time. Maybe the lady and dude super heroes could split up the seasons based on costume insulation?
Please send your version of spider man over to my house IMMEDIATELY and tell him to please bring his friend, centipede man, along with him!
Now THESE are the super heroes of my dreams!!!
Your idea of Spider Man is my ideal hero, and I need him in my life asap. My one and only complaint about living alone is that I can’t just trap a spider under a glass and wait for someone else to deal with it. And the bigger they get, the more I feel the need to save them. The little guys I can kill, the big ones, I just can’t do it. It’s so weird.
These are great, especially Iron Man! I’ve always thought it would be nice to have Mrs. Incredible’s stretching ablility. Then I wouldn’t have to drag a chair over to reach things on my highest cabinet shelves.
I have two little boys – and the obsession with superheros has no end….It’s crazy!