Sometimes I envy bloggers who live super exciting lives filled with travel and social engagements that make for great stories. Then I remember that I don’t really enjoy traveling and only like being social in limited doses, so that envy gets wiped away with my Wet Jet on “Swiffer Saturday.”
But I thought I would humor myself and the dozens who read this with a hypothetical “day in the life” post.*
*Some of the logistics are a bit fuzzy, but that’s only because the day was so full and enriching that details fell by the wayside. Or maybe it’s because of the Vodka. Don’t judge.
5 a.m. Alarm rings for work.
5:01 a.m. Remember I’m working from home, seeing as I got that great gig writing a “Dear Abby”-type column. Throw alarm across the room.
8 a.m. Wake up again on my own.
8: 15 a.m. Remind hot hockey player boy toy to lock the door as he leaves. Thank him for his services the night before (I could never have cleaned the gutters on my roof without his help.)
8:30 a.m. Be grateful I can wake up and do exactly what I love—eat—and do just that, enjoying the first of many feedings for the day.
8:45 a.m. Go online. Read that the Tigers have continued their 82-game winning streak and see my inbox is filled with fan mail, freelance writing opportunities that require minimal thinking/maximum pay and coupons for all my favorite products.
9 a.m. Work out. Learn that anyone—male or female—who marinates in perfume, refuses to wipe off the machine or wears shorts so short and tight they would be considered in bad taste at a gay Mardi Gras parade will be asked to leave.
10 a.m. Go home to shower and snack. Delight in the fact that for once, my hair doesn’t make me look homeless.
10:30 a.m. Flip on the big screen TV. Discover reality shows involving dating and entertainment “news” are all cancelled. Forever.
11 a.m. Forget to be productive.
11:30 a.m. Jump in the car and speed out to meet Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell for lunch at a great vegan restaurant.
11:35 a.m. Celebrate the local police department honoring National “Give Only a Warning” Day and avoid a ticket.
Noon Enjoy lunch. Laugh a lot. Forget to offer to pay.
12: 30 p.m. Learn anyone who starts their tweets “That moment that…” or uses more than two hashtags per tweet has been banned from Twitter. Smile.
1 p.m. Serve as a guest judge for a veggie episode of “Chopped” where I pull my best Gordon Ramsey impression and throw things around the set.
2 p.m. Get offered a full-time position with the show.
2:30 p.m. Go on a shopping spree through Trader Joes on the Food Network tab—I had that written into my contract—and hop on a plane for Detroit.
3:30 p.m. Actually answer my phone and hear that my lawsuit against Comcast for emotional distress has been settled for millions.
4 p.m. This announcement becomes public and I learn I’ve become Queen to the millions of people who have suffered similar psychological damage via Comcast.
Request tiara.
5 p.m. Arrive in Detroit for dinner with Buster Olney and Scott VanPelt (ESPN people). Talk a lot of sports. Forget to offer to pay.
6 p.m. Agree to co-write several features with Buster for “Baseball Tonight” before taking my seat at the game.
9 p.m. Celebrate Tiger victory and head home, snacking and sipping a Vodka gimlet on the plane with Eminem while discussing how badass I look in my tiara . (Or how I went the whole day without realizing a dryer sheet was stuck in the leg of my pants. Again, the details are fuzzy.)
10:00 p.m. Arrive home, forget to floss and hit the hay. After all, tomorrow is still “Swiffer Saturday.”
Like the blog? Buy the book.
This begs the question, “If you could have lunch with anyone, who would it be?”
To be honest, I probably couldn’t decide and would end up staying home to eat in my dining room while watching a bird gang bang under my bird feeder, but whatever. Play along.
Abby Has Issues 
Since you inspired my hope post. I’m using you as a muse for my own hypothetical day.
I want to fill in for Ted Allan on Chopped. With my glasses I favor him so viewers wouldn’t be totally turned off.
Tigers need a good six games win street for real.
I can’t relate to these pretentious, “super exiting life” bloggers either! Their advice on how to live their dream life gets so tired, and I usually wouldn’t want to live their life or even have lunch with them. There are a few of us introverted bloggers out there who celebrate the quiet life WE live, at home alone with our pets and our Swiffers, and how there’s nothing wrong with that. Stand up for your introvert self!
I would love to have lunch with Gordon Ramsey, but only if he picked the restaurant, or better yet, he cooked lunch for me! BLEEEEP Yeah!
Sounds like a perfect day to me!
Lunch? Maybe with Rajon Rondo, Paul Pierce, and Kevin Garnett of the Celtics basketball team.
You never cease to amaze me.
Haha, I think I’d have the same issue regarding choosing someone with which to have lunch. When I have an option between two things I’d like, I frequently end up with neither because I can’t make a decision. My thinking is that “there MUST be a right or wrong choice, and I dare not choose the wrong one, so I will go with neither”. Huh?! Didn’t you just say you’d like both?
Anyway, meeting a grand- or great grandparent who passed away before I was born would be nice. (But whom? Wouldn’t want to choose the “wrong” relative even though there isn’t one, aaaarrrrgghhh!!!!)
All of these made me laugh so hard, and made me want to do a similar post, only of what I really do. No one would believe that at 6:45, 7:15, 5 pm, and 7 pm I sweep around the litterbox. They would think I was being funny.
The one about waking up to realize all reality tv shows are gone has long been a dream of mine, although I do watch a lot of the ones where a skill is involved like Project Runway. And my one “guilty pleasure” is Big Ang. I want to spend a day with that absurd, crazy, and somehow wonderful to me woman.
Actually, I would believe that 😉
I gotta do this. You should start a sunday link up of awesomeness. But, I think you might be too cool to do a link up. Whatev. #iloveyouanyway #tryit
It’s not that I’m too cool to do a link-up, it’s that I could never figure out how to actually do it. Plus, when only like, five people replied, I would feel like a total loner. I’ll leave all the cool stuff to you…
I’m being prompted… This sounds like an absolutely FUN idea for a post. Only problem is how will anyone know the difference between “dream” and “reality” Ha! I jest… Now who do I want for lunch. I mean, eat WITH for lunch.
Do a post! I would love to read it–either “dream” or “reality.”
Challenge answered my friend. THAT was fun…
I have a whole post on my tiara in my head, where all my best posts live. I knew I liked you.
Yay! You like me! Anyway, yes, I received my tiara for my 30th birthday last year from my mom. And a gnome card.
“my inbox is filled with fan mail, freelance writing opportunities that require minimal thinking/maximum pay and coupons for all my favorite products. ” – Ohmigod, me too!
I am so on board with the “hair that doesn’t make me look homeless” part of this scenario. I have never, ever, had good hair. And now for some reason, it’s falling out. I mean, seriously. Fistfuls of it. Anyone know a good wig maker?
Holy hell. Hair that makes me look non-homeless? That would make my decade.
For lunch – I can never answer those questions either, and can only think of dead people I’d really want to way with, which is a cheater’s way to answer that question, really. And now that I mentioned that, all I can think of is lunch with Kurt Vonnegut, T.S. Eliot and Heath Ledger. Sigh …
fun day, fun post.
I would love to have lunch with you!
and a lunch with James Carville, Arianna Huffington and Al Franken.
a separate lunch with Will Farrell and Zach Galifianakis. I probably wouldn’t be able to eat much at this lunch, for fear of choking while laughing.
I wouldn’t want my alarm to ring at 5am on a real or hypothetical day.
I think I would be too intimidated to actually have lunch with someone I was dying to have lunch with. I would, however, love to go have lunch by myself some day.
You must have been reading too much Gwyneth Paltrow and her Goop blog. None of us can compete. I like your hypothetical day. I would be joining you for lunch with Tina and the gang. Both of us would be co-writers on something fabulous and laughing all the way to the bank. If only….
I’m proud to say I’ve never GOOPed!
All this – AND tiaras and dryer sheets. SImply too wonderfully exhausting
We must be twins ‘cos my day is exactly like yours except I have lunch with Terry Pratchet, Germaine Greer and Nelson Mandela. Oh, and I don’t follow sport, don’t get up until 9.30 or 10am, don’t have a problem with Concast (I do have quibles with all the ISP’s in Oz but that doesn’t count) and I’m too disabled to travel by plane. Maybe I’m not your twin after all. Damn! However, I would have dinner with Tina Fey but I’d also include John Cleese and Stephen Fry. Heavenly day 🙂
Never mind lunch. I want to karaoke with Donny Osmond and sing “I’m A Little Bit Country.” Hey, I am the 2nd eldest living with a metabolic disorder, is it to late to call Make-A-Wish? lol.
Ha! Good call! I’m not sure about the Osmond bit, but how fun would karaoke be with someone like Jimmy Fallon?
I can’t decide if my lunch date should be intellectually stimulating, so I’d be too busy talking to eat, or someone I’d be so fascinated with watching cuz he’s so damn hot that I’d forget to eat. (Adam Levine….drool)
Tough call. It’s almost like you should just eat first and then meet for coffee…priorities.
I can’t decide between spending the day in bed or eating a decadent lunch and guzzling fancy red wine, as I haven’t done much of either of these things in quite a while.
Either way, I would like to spend the duration of these experiences with the Track and Field athlete, Fawn Dorr, as she’s awesome, inspiring and HOT.
Man, your life sounds awesome – but if I could just have your 12:30 moment, I think I could live out the rest of my days in peace.
Hmm. I will have to ask for restaurant recommendations next time I meet up with Tina and Amy. They’re so finicky about their food. Clearly you know this.
Hahaha good idea! I was telling Boyfriend I don’t have a ton of good blog ideas right now and he pointed out that nothing exciting happens in my life. It’s true, I can’t keep blogging about him and I sitting on a futon, right? Well, maybe I can.
yeah, i like this day. especially the comcast and the twitter bits. ha!
The Twitter bannings, reality show cancellations and Comcast lawsuit winnings are my favorite parts of this post.
I’m not sure who I would choose because a lot of it would depend on whether I would have to do the heavy lifting in the conversation.
This is how I always envisioned your life.
oh my gosh what a great post! you had me laughing! i love your writing style!! 🙂
Your day has much in common with my day. Reminds me of the time I asked the Queen of England if she wouldn’t mind passing the salt while we both had lunch with Obama at some south London Pizza parlour
Trader Joe’s has the BEST Margarita Mix. And since it’s on someone else’s tab, let’s just get several cases, k? And have them shipped to me, if you don’t mind. After all, I wouldn’t want to have to go shopping since we have so much other fun stuff to do.
There’s not a TJs within 300 miles of where I live, so you can bet I’ll add that to my list.
Holy canole! Our days sounds exactly the same! Except for the part about the plane. I prefer my yacht, but semantiics! Visiting from Finding The Funny!
That would seriously be – the best day ever.
“If you could have lunch with anyone, who would it be?” – Chelsea Handler.
*yaaaawn*. Wow – that does get old, doesn’t it?
Except for the tiara bit. I would like a tiara please. Not that I would look nearly as badass as you.