Love Letters

We’ve all had those days when every piece of mail or email you open is a bill or reminds you that people are nothing if relentlessly tedious.

When those things happen, I know there’s always one place I can go to feel loved, to feel respected and cherished by those who might stop by my blog—the SPAM folder.

Or, as I prefer to call it, my Love Letter Vault.


Sure, “HotSkillz97”  might not feel comfortable enough to comment using his real name, but I figure it’s more of a shyness issue and rather endearing, no?

Anyway, who couldn’t be happy when they open that folder and read a few comments like these (despite the cringe-worthy errors, printed as sent to maintain authenticity):

  • You’ve encouraged, Doug. Appreciative for the type words and phrases.
  • Fascinating publish. Thank you for making my day.
  • I have not a clue precisely what your existing about and I don’t agree with you at all. However hello! Anyway I am sincere! (It should be noted that this was left on my “About” post, of which they disagree.)
  • Really get pleasure from exposing it. It looks a lot like your present audience will far more than probably like much a lot more excellent articles.
  • Your jot down can be a superb kind of that.
  • Excellent goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff previous to and you are just too fantastic. You make entertainment and you still take care of to keep it smart.
  • You are my aspiration. I have few blogs and very sporadically run out from to brand.
  • Terrific paintings! This is the kind of info that are supposed to be shared around the web. Shame on Google for not positioning this submit upper! Come on over and seek advice from my vacuum! (I have to admit. This is a tempting offer.)
  • Fascinating goods, my lord! Within the outstanding words and phrases of a specific terminator…Illinois be back!

I can only imagine that some of these comments are left by the people who found my blog by searching with one of these terms:

  • Jack LaLanne’s crotch
  • How to tell my mom I need a bra (never had this problem…sigh)
  • Do squirrels use febreze in their trees
  • Avocados and parrot porn
  • Why do some senior citizens feel the need to be naked
  • Michael Phelps wearing plastic panties and a banana clip
  • Melissa Rivers looks like Steven Tyler (spot-on, by the way)
  • Can you get food poisoning from old ketchup packets (my grandma would say “no”)
  • Woman insists husband go commando
  • Picture of raccoon with a pair of panties
  • I’m not anti-social, I’m anti-stupid
  • Squirrel drag queens are handy things to have in your car

And finally, “Soon, my friend, it’s cocktail hour.” Yes, yes it is. I’m thinking that we should ask Doug from above. Maybe he’ll be encouraged to pick up the tab?

At any rate, within the outstanding words and phrases of a specific terminator…Illinois be back!

Like the blog? Buy the book.

28 responses to “Love Letters

  1. You were called “my lord”? LUCKY. My spammers never give me good titles

  2. Ah, I resemble some of these remarks. Your website loading very slow, but excellent views on articles. Who design webpage? You has great site I learn so much here. I am not sure what you are meaning? So informative, I like this to all my friends.

  3. This post may have beat out your search terms ones as my favorite. You’re making me wish my anxiety didn’t make me delete all spam comments every day. Lately they’ve all been about Xanax and pills for erectile dysfunction. They’re on to my anxiety about not being able to get it up. I thought I did pretty well keeping that hidden.

    • I get those as well, but lucky for you and all involved, I just deleted them instead of sharing. I wouldn’t want to increase your anxiety.

  4. My spam comments crack me up. My favorite lately was: “Hot damn, looking pretty usuefl buddy.”

  5. I just looked at my search terms and I just…I’ve got nothing. IT MAKES NO SENSE. There is a glitch in the Internet.

  6. racoons? squirrels? panting? they must think you are an animal blog (not not that kind of animal)
    You’re search terms and spam is much more entertaining than mine

  7. hahahha…i looooove reading the random search engine terms. i never thought to check out the spam folder though. looks like i have plans tomorrow!! 🙂

  8. “Your jot down can be a superb kind of that”

    I concur.

  9. I am at a loss as to how to find the random search engine terms to see where people are finnding my blog. The spam is always interesting. But, I’ve noticed they seem to be copying each other lately.

  10. “I’m not anti-social, I’m anti-stupid”.


    In fact, I don’t believe this is spam.


  11. I love the random drivel the spam bots send like that stuff. I delete it, of course, but sometimes I laugh and laugh first…

  12. all I know is if you need Russian viagra or a hot date with a girl named Mystical let me know and I’ll send them your way.

    my top search is Kurt Cobain sychophant. I’m putting it on my tombstone.

    • Oh yes. Are you’re wondering what’s truly missing from your life? Because according to my junk mail, it’s Viagra, more LinkedIn connections and fiber.

  13. It seems, according to the search terms, you discuss private parts and things to cover them quite a bit.

    But I totally just got distracted by the Michael Phelps visual. Excuse me… I need to go google…

  14. That was a great post! I get those weird comments, too, but wasn’t clever enough to use them in a post! Love it!

  15. “I’m not anti-social, I’m anti-stupid”
    Love this one because it describes me.

  16. If there’s one thing I’ve always said about you, it’s that you’re a superb kind of that.

  17. I just did a post last week about crazy search terms and I mentioned how the ones you mention on Facebook always crack me up. The full list was pure gold. And I love reading my spam mail too. Especially from people with cool names like CrazyCoolNikes13. Awesome.

  18. Sorry about the “avocados and parrot porn” one but let me explain. I was actually wanting to search for avocados and carrot corn for a recipe I was working on but I accidentally made a typo. Twice. No? OK, how about this. I’m writing a book on the exploitation of parrots in the porn industry and I was just doing some research. While looking for recipes that contained avocados. Makes total sense.

  19. I guess I need to start checking my spam comments a little more closely. Those are pretty good.

  20. BAHAHAHAHAHA. this made my day. Hilarious stuff. I’ve had a few doozies in my spam folder, but I think that one about seeking advice from their vacuum is my favourite ever! 😀

    You also get the weirdest search terms! I get a few that make me slap my head in amazement at why people think these things. . . but most of them are the same kind of questions we get at work. Nothing about squirrels febreezing their trees. (wtf?)

  21. This is SOFA KING funny! AhahHAHhHhHAhaHHHahHAhahhAH

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