Don’t Be A Filbert

Lately I’ve just wanted to shut my brain off and avoid any sort of deep thinking whatsoever.

As a result, my tweets and updates usually end up being something along the lines of,  “If Bobby Flay doesn’t have another daughter and name her Sue, he’s not doing life right” and “I can’t help but feel that if quinoa were a person, it would be that friend that insisted you call him “Steff-on” and not “Stephen.”

In other words, deeply introspective stuff here people.

Side note: I actually know one person named “Steff-on” who despite interacting with me on and off for the past decade, still calls me “Amy” when we run into each other. I call him Steve.

Anyway, the quinoa (keen-wah) thing got me thinking that there are certain foods that carry with them a preconceived/stereotypical idea of how they would be if they were people—like the high-maintenance “quinoa” referenced above, who I picture pulling an eye muscle from excessive rolling at my delight in going to Target or drinking red wine from a box.

So let’s begin.

Wait. Another side note because I don’t know where else to put it: I realize a lot of non-veggie people think some of these foods are weird, but play along.

Don’t be a filbert.

See? There’s one right there! I picture a filbert—a kind of hazelnut—being like Dilbert, a clumsy nerd with no appreciation for rambling blog posts about certain foods. So I repeat, do not be a filbert.

Chickpeas—named as such because “dudepeas” didn’t have quite the same ring, they would be a real gas to hang around with and always willing to go for a dip. Because she comes from a mixed background—both Middle Eastern and Spanish—she’s sometimes referred to as “Garbanzo” and throws out that card when she needs to get into a hot Latin club.

Seitan (sey-tan)—I think the name of this mock meat made of wheat gluten says it all, don’t you? Odds are you would never hear of a Pope Seitan or Sister Seitan. And even though she might be nice, let’s be honest — would you trust a babysitter with that name? I think not.

Pepita—Also answering to the nickname “Pumpkin,” this often salty gal would be spunky and the life of the party. 

Pâté –She’s not that appealing on her own. As such, she uses a fancy pronunciation of her name—do NOT call her Patty—and tries to blend in with Pepita to appear more attractive. She would most likely date a “Steff-an” and go through life holding in all bodily functions. 

Worcestershire — (WUUS-tur-shur) This is the foreign friend with the name no one can ever pronounce. As such, they go by the nickname “W” or “that foreign friend with the name no one can ever pronounce.”

Prunes—Considered nerdy and old-fashioned only because they’re full of great information and not quite as sexy as their plum siblings. However, they’re dependable, get things moving and get the job done.

Tofu — Completely bland with a distinct lack of personality, willing to shape itself into whatever group is currently hip or trendy (can also cause intestinal distress to those with an intolerance for bullshit — and soy — such as myself.)

Kale — He’s become quite the popular dude since switching over from the traditional “Cal” spelling and establishing himself as a powerhouse of sorts. However, years of being misunderstood have left him a bit bitter, but a quick massage of his ego will leave him tender and much more enjoyable.

Oranges — Sigh…I picture Orange being like the seventh child to parents who have given up trying to be creative with names and resigned themselves to the obvious, kind of like “Junior” or “Tiny.” Orange will have developed a thick skin accordingly.

I could go on, but that would negate the whole “shutting my brain off” thing. So instead it’s your turn to bring something to this personality potluck in the comments.

Food. Personality. Go. Don’t be a filbert.