Avoid Clichés Like the Plague

There is no shortage of inspirational quotes or tired clichés on the Internet, and I have to admit that I’m guilty of occasionally using them myself.

But most of the time I’m much more Abby-like, putting my own spin on conventional wisdom and taking the lion’s share of the credit (see what I did there? Picking up what I’m putting down?)

So sit back, relax and, you know, take what I say with a grain of salt.

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Another day, another dollar that won’t be accepted in the self-checkout lane register despite the fact that only one tiny little corner of the bill is slightly wrinkled.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if you throw it hard enough, it can pretty much repel anyone in any profession.

Dance like nobody is watching, unless you’re in the grocery store and “Footloose” comes on. At that point, performing the role of Ren is generally frowned upon (although they are only encouraging this behavior by playing that song in the store.)

Be the change you want to see in the world. By that I mean change the freaking roll of toilet paper or paper towel when there’s only one sheet left, you heathen.

Birds of a feather flock together and usually decide to use my Blazer as their own personal overpriced outhouse.

Misery loves company, which is why I prefer to stay away from people when possible.

Sometimes you’re the windshield. Sometimes you’re the bug. Most often you’re the driver behind the windshield trying like hell to pump the windshield wipers and clean off the splattered bug guts.

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and wear huge shoes so people think they’re tracking the Bigfoot.

A watched pot never boils, but if you turn your back for five seconds it will boil over and make a mess of your stove.

Good fences make good neighbors, as they don’t judge when I do my Saturday morning walk of shame to the trash can in my pajamas to throw away the cat litter or chase off the freaking woodchuck.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today, unless it’s something unpleasant that someone else might just do before you. In that case, carry on.

Slow and steady wins the race—except races in which the point is to finish first, which is basically most races.

Do one thing every day that scares you, unless that involves going to Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon and possibly being sexually harassed by exposed ass cracks and muffin tops. (Pick a different challenge that day.)

It is never too late to be what you might have been, unless your goal was to be a child prodigy or unicorn, in which case you’re basically screwed.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. That also means your bitchiness isn’t a mood, but rather your personality.

Do as I say, not as I—hell, you should probably just do what I say and be done with it. Leave you own new clichés in the comments.

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