There is no shortage of inspirational quotes or tired clichés on the Internet, and I have to admit that I’m guilty of occasionally using them myself.
But most of the time I’m much more Abby-like, putting my own spin on conventional wisdom and taking the lion’s share of the credit (see what I did there? Picking up what I’m putting down?)
So sit back, relax and, you know, take what I say with a grain of salt.
Another day, another dollar that won’t be accepted in the self-checkout lane register despite the fact that only one tiny little corner of the bill is slightly wrinkled.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if you throw it hard enough, it can pretty much repel anyone in any profession.
Dance like nobody is watching, unless you’re in the grocery store and “Footloose” comes on. At that point, performing the role of Ren is generally frowned upon (although they are only encouraging this behavior by playing that song in the store.)
Be the change you want to see in the world. By that I mean change the freaking roll of toilet paper or paper towel when there’s only one sheet left, you heathen.
Birds of a feather flock together and usually decide to use my Blazer as their own personal overpriced outhouse.
Misery loves company, which is why I prefer to stay away from people when possible.
Sometimes you’re the windshield. Sometimes you’re the bug. Most often you’re the driver behind the windshield trying like hell to pump the windshield wipers and clean off the splattered bug guts.
Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and wear huge shoes so people think they’re tracking the Bigfoot.
A watched pot never boils, but if you turn your back for five seconds it will boil over and make a mess of your stove.
Good fences make good neighbors, as they don’t judge when I do my Saturday morning walk of shame to the trash can in my pajamas to throw away the cat litter or chase off the freaking woodchuck.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today, unless it’s something unpleasant that someone else might just do before you. In that case, carry on.
Slow and steady wins the race—except races in which the point is to finish first, which is basically most races.
Do one thing every day that scares you, unless that involves going to Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon and possibly being sexually harassed by exposed ass cracks and muffin tops. (Pick a different challenge that day.)
It is never too late to be what you might have been, unless your goal was to be a child prodigy or unicorn, in which case you’re basically screwed.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. That also means your bitchiness isn’t a mood, but rather your personality.
Do as I say, not as I—hell, you should probably just do what I say and be done with it. Leave you own new clichés in the comments.
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Those were hilarious. If at first you don’t succeed, to hell with it!
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, unless your enemy is the type of enemy who is carrying a machine gun.
When my back’s against the wall I do whatever it takes to help the team win because golly gee whiz you have to take it one game at a time and brace for the worst and hope for the best and God willin’ and criks don;t rise let’s work together before it’s too late because we just need to stop and smell the roses.
Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have grown into staid mutual acceptance and tolerance of another’s weird quirks.
My favorite was your apple cliche. I’m trying to decide what that says about my personality.
I suppose that depends on how your aim is.
Brilliant! It’s too early on a Sunday morning. I’ve got nothing. I’ll just re-read yours.
See? You could have worked “Easy like Sunday morning” into a new one somehow…
I loved the ” It is never to late to be what you want to be” unless you want to be a child prodigy one. Hilarious. I love all this stuff.
These are so funny! My favorite one is:
“Be the change you want to see in the world. By that I mean change the freaking roll of toilet paper or paper towel when there’s only one sheet left, you heathen. ”
Love the one about WalMart! That place *is* scary!
Hehehe I would like to see these embroidered on a throw pillow. Especially the one about changing the toilet paper because SERIOUSLY PEOPLE? It’s common etiquette.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. That also means your bitchiness isn’t a mood, but rather your personality. – YES!
I am now going to bring an arsenal of apples with me wherever I go. And my favorite is definitely the one about the toilet paper.
See a penny, pick it up, all day long…you’ll have the germs that nasty penny got throughout its nasty penny life.
The grass is always greener on the other side of fence, and you always want what you don’t have. Unless you have Johnny Depp, and then maybe you should just shut the fuck up, stop worrying about grass, and be happy, man.
Totally like your cliches so much more than those annoying ones plastered all over facebook. If I have to see another picture with a girl with a skinny legs under which is the caption, “Life is a marathon, not a sprint” I’m going to throw my laptop across the room…oh, who am I kidding. I’m just mad ’cause I’m not the model in the damn inspirational picture. BTW, I agree with the Footloose one. They shouldn’t play it if they don’t want grown ass women singing out loud and dancing in the aisles. Very well done, bravo bravo! Encore!
Do unto others as you would have done unto you, unless you’re a sadomasochist.
Excellent reworking of clichés! One of my faves is:
If at first you don’t succeed,
Destroy all the evidence. 🙂
too funny. your version of the quotes is just so much closer to the way the “real” world works – or at least how mine does. your post certainly put a big smile on my face on a day i sorely needed it. thanks.
Good lord how much do I hate that whole “do something that scares you”.
I’m scared of herpes, cockroaches, and rapists. I really don’t need a daily dose of them.
@Eden, I’m a little in love with the list of things you’re afraid of.
I’m thinking if she’s scared of herpes, she needs to reevaluate some decisions 😉
This is GOLD, I tell ya – your versions are way better than the originals!
Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Unless you need to know how many eggs you have.
Step on a crack, break your mother’s back, especially if the crack is between her butt cheeks.
Hahaha, love the “slow and steady” one 🙂
LOL. Such a great idea for a post. Love the misery loves company one.
These are awesome. The slow and steay one might be my very favorite.
Laugh and the world laughs with you unless you are in the movie “The Shining” and have just hacked down the door with an ax and are grinning manically saying “Here’s Johnny!”
Ha! I love these! The Walmart is so true!
This: “Do one thing every day that scares you, unless that involves going to Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon and possibly being sexually harassed by exposed ass cracks and muffin tops. (Pick a different challenge that day.)” was definitely my favourite. The bit about being a unicorn also hit close to home.
I wish I had one to add, but you’re so much more clever than I am.
(don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless you are eating off the paw of a chocolate bunny. that’s all i’ve got. and now i need to find some chocolate.)
And that was amazing. Too bad I’m one of those less-clever internet-friends you have. Probably the least clever… given the comments.
I will add one of my favs: “When life give you lemons, get the vodka out of the freezer.”
That just made my afternoon! The unicorn was brilliant!
Love this, love you, love all of it. 🙂
hahaha, this is hilarious!