A Dozen Delusions

It’s very important to be honest, but we all have those little things we tell ourselves that we know probably aren’t completely accurate. I hesitate to call them “lies,” as that implies some sort of deliberate manipulation, so perhaps calling them “delusions of grandeur” would be a bit more accurate.

With that said, I have included short list of the things I tell myself without entirely believing.

A Dozen Delusions

1. I don’t need to write something down because I’ll remember it. Despite the fact I don’t have solid evidence to back this one up, I continue to employ this philosophy. So mental note—real notes work better.

2. Pushing the pedestrian crossing button at crosswalks actually makes the light change quicker. Is it magic that the little white person on the light appears 10-20 seconds after I push it or simply coincidence? I also tell my self I won’t actually say “Ped Xing”— as in “ped exing” and not “pedestrian crossing”— out loud, but I do.


Why doesn’t he have any feet?

3. That I’ll be able to put a key on a key ring in less then 10 minutes. I don’t believe this is humanly possible without the use of heavy machinery, yet I still wrestle with the damn things each time.

4. When going to Target, I tell myself I only need one or two things and to act in a civilized manner. Yet a few minutes into my jaunt I more closely resemble a skinny Tasmanian devil who forgot to write down what she needs—see point No. 1—and walks out with a bag full of “prizes.”

5. That I can discreetly manipulate two grocery carts that are stuck together, after which point I will be rewarded with a perfectly functional cart for my shopping. However, 99.99 percent of the time, I end up going Hulk on the metal pieces of shit, violently ripping them apart and being left with one that has a wonky wheel that veers into displays.

6. That faking my own death is an overly dramatic reaction to being asked to attend a webinar or fold laundry.

7. When my phone cuts out, I tell myself to wait a few minutes and let the other person call back. However, I get impatient and am the best at playing the “let’s keep calling each other at the same time so it goes straight to voicemail” game. Solution? Avoid the phone.

8. That turning up the radio in my Blazer so I can’t hear any weird noise that it’s making means there’s nothing wrong with my Blazer.

9. Because I feed the squirrels and birds in my yard, I would like to believe they respect me as a neurotic Dr. Doolittle of sorts. But with each acorn that lands on my head by the feeder and each bird gang bang performed in the bird bath, this mutual respect is called into question.

10. That if SpongeBob Squarepants–a freaking sponge–can find pants that fit, I can find a pair of “real” pants that aren’t uncomfortable. Actually, I don’t think I believe this myself anymore and should probably remove it from the list. Let’s move on—in workout pants.

11. I clean my floors simply to keep things nice and not because I inevitably drop food every day. Also, that I can stand next to the toaster, anticipating toast, and not jump every time the toast is popped up.

12. That the fact people found my blog with “snowman in a thong and sombrero,” “elderly squirrel Fight Club” and “mosquito boobs”—that one stings— is cancelled out by whoever found it with “Please. Like you’ve never Febreezed grandma.”

Your turn. What delusions of grandeur can you share with the class?

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34 responses to “A Dozen Delusions

  1. These are good! I always tell myself I’ll put my extra money in savings, even though I never do.

  2. My current delusion is that my “allergies” are flaring up. There’s no way I have a cold that has lasted almost 5 days now. No way.

    And I always need to write things down. But don’t. I’ve already forgotten a handful of songs I wanted to download and every other thing I need from the grocery store when I go after work. Neat.

    • I did the same thing a couple of weeks ago. I think it’s because “allergies” sounds much less germy than “cold that has my eyes red and nose runny like I have an expensive habit.”

  3. Great list, Abby!

    * If I don’t write something down the second I think of it, it will be lost and forgotten forever. Seriously.

    * I can’t walk in and out of Target without spending ridiculous amounts of money I don’t have.

    * “I end up going Hulk on the metal pieces of shit, violently ripping them apart and being left with one that has a wonky wheel that veers into displays.”

    AAHahHAhHAhAHhahAHah Me too!

    * Toast popping up gives me an instant heart attack EVERY SINGLE TIME.

    • Oh, yeah!
      ~ Target
      ~ any department but groceries at Meijers
      ~fabric stores and
      Last but certainly NOT Least
      ~ Book Stores!
      Avoid them like the plague unless a rich uncle has just died… 😛

  4. My main delusion these days is that I can handle everyone dumping their problems on me and suffer no ill-effects as a result. Because I’m a rock. One of those smooth river ones.
    Y’know, the pretty ones.

  5. Oh crap, you made laugh out loud, and now I am tempted to do just the letters to signify that I did that, but then I will lose all respect for myself and most likely end up blaming you, and then where will be, I ask you?

  6. I like to tell myself that I can wear a white shirt and not spill coffee or tomato sauce on myself, but if you asked me if I had any clean white shirts, the answer would have to be “no.”

    #8 also applies to me and my old Rav4.

  7. WHY?! Can’t pants just fit? Men don’t seem to have this issue.

  8. That was hilarious! and as a grandma, I fabreeze myself on a regular basis!

  9. AHH I HATE HATE HATE WEBINARS!! Sorry. Glad you hate them too.

  10. Only this morning, as eleventy billion “things I need to do”s swirled around my mind, I caught myself thinking, “I should write this down. Nah, I’ll remember it”.

    And then I read this blog post. And decided to write my “things I need to do”s down.

    So, thank you, Abby. I learnt something very valuable from your writing: Life is much more simpler when you just write your “things to do”s down.

  11. I have the same relationship with squirrels that you do. I’m pretty chatty with dogs and have been known, as you might suspect, to have quite profound conversations with ducks. I like to think that also makes me a sort of Dr Dolittle, but sometimes the looks on the ducks face’s makes me fear they think I should be certified.

  12. I pretend I’m still possibly going to go to the gym even though I’ve already decided I’m blowing it off.

  13. Oh goodie, I start a 4 week, twice weekly, 3 hours at a pop webinar tonight on the dryest of subjects tonight. I feel fairly certain that by 60 minutes in, I’ll be willing to gnaw off my arm to escape the human animal trap.
    Substitute Wegmans for Target and you have me there. I especially like the chirpy “Did you find everything you were looking for?” to which the correct response must be “Well, actually, it all found me.”
    I don’t have a problem writing things down; I have a problem with finding the paper where I wrote it down.

    • No, the chirpy reply to that question is, “Yes, and even things I WASN’T looking for!” And then yo both laugh maniacally and fun is had by all 😉

  14. Oh, and I almost forgot…the pants thing, a vast conspiracy. High waisted, overweight, post-menopausal people don’t need low rider pants. It’s like a push up bra for your muffin top, not too mention extremely uncomfortable and unflattering. And, instead of giving your pants styles names (fill in the catalog of your choice here as the named culprit) ….girls’ names, british sounding names, body descriptor names…trendy names.. how about just having a baby boomer fits all style (or some, or most) and be done with it.

  15. Trivia: The guy on the slow sign was designed before the invention of seamstresses. He has feet, but his pants are way too long for him.

  16. Nice to know I’m not the only one..er…deluding myself. By the way, I found out last week that a staple remover is exactly the tool you need to get a key on a ring. It’s a miracle!

  17. I think the weird Google searches should be a point of pride. I mean, how many people can meet search needs like that?

  18. That I won’t spill food or drink on my shirt and/or pants (no matter how many times I’ve done it in the past.
    That I still have a razor sharp memory… fail!

  19. Hi Abby, I’m Anne from Life on the Funny Farm (http://annesfunnyfarm.blogspot.com), and I’m visiting from Finding the Funny.

    This list has awesome sauce all over it. You might want to clean that up. Love your search keywords list the best. Favt search words for my own blog would be: horny freckles, tongue in wall seat horse, and newborn macaroni penguin. Who ARE these people?

    Anyway, it’s nice to “meet” you! Hope you can pop by my blog sometime to say hi…

  20. One of the things my husband references is the time we both forgot to do something and I said to him, “I thought you were making a mental note!” That was a sad day. And I still haven’t learned to just write shit down.

  21. Glad you opted not to call ’em “lies” – just ’cause something isn’t quite 100% True and Accurate, doesn’t make it a deliberate and outright sin.

    I just stopped by from Cordelia’s – I’ve seen you in her blogroll for ages – finally got here – looks like it’ll be fun. 🙂
    Have a great weekend!

  22. I do all of those things. It borders on superstition. I have to write down everything these days otherwise I’ll forget. It’s terrible.

  23. “8. That turning up the radio in my Blazer so I can’t hear any weird noise that it’s making means there’s nothing wrong with my Blazer.”

    I did this with my first car. It needed brakes. Oops.

    • Man-in-My-Life rants about folks like that every day! 😉
      (He’s a mechanic) He fixes the blatant problem (what they brought it in for), leaves the radio OFF when he delivers the car, and Customer starts b*****ing about something else that’s been wrong along, but they never noticed with the radio on 11. Worst ones accuse him of breaking it! Gakkkk!

  24. Oh my gosh, this was funny. My cough is back and your making me laugh. That’s evil.
    My delusion? That I will be a majorly, popularly, famous published author and everyone will love and buy all my books but I guess in order to do that I should get off the computer and get working on writing them again.

  25. Am currently on a webinar (or….err….not…lol).
    thank goodness for your comic relief, girl — and thank goodness for mute buttons.

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