Door of Doom

What do you see when you look at this picture?


Most people would probably say they see an average refrigerator, maybe some cat treats on top or the Ove Glove lovingly hung on the side. But I am not most people, and when I look at this picture I see two things:

1) An arctic abode to house my beloved eats and drinks

2) An evil ninja-like appliance of pain that’s plotting against me 

Let me explain.

The other day I was preparing for some couchgating and enthusiastically threw open the door to the refrigerator to grab some hippie fare. However, in my enthusiasm, I neglected to realize I was enthusiastically throwing open the freezer door and slammed the damn thing into my head.


It was a direct hit.

A drive-by dooring, so to speak.

I was knocked to the floor—not because I lost consciousness as my head enthusiastically stopped the door’s momentum, but because I stumbled backward and tripped on the cat.

As I sat on the floor I noticed three things:

1) Several grains of uncooked rice remained under the cupboard ledge on the floor from when I spilled it—never sneeze while measuring it out–which leads me to believe I need to sit down with the dust buster and re-evaluate it’s job description.

2) The cat was not helpful in this situation a la Lassie in fetching me ice, but was instead alternating exasperated glances between the treat bags on top of the fridge and my stunned skinny ass on the floor.

Noted, my feline friend. Noted.

3) I suddenly saw two fridges in front of me, which initially excited me — two fridges full of goodies!— until I realized it was because of the pain.

I gingerly stood up, made my way to the mirror and found a dark bruise and two-inch lump on my forehead. If it had happened a week later right before Halloween, I would have been thrilled. Easy costume! But seeing as I still had a week to wait, I knew that I needed a story that wasn’t so lame.

I thought perhaps I could say I was saving a kitten stranded in a tree and bumped my head while bending over to perform CPR, but given my abusive relationship with gravity, I knew that nobody would buy it.

Considering everyone knows how the small woodland creatures in my yard show a blatant disrespect for my authority, I figured a wrestling match with a squirrel just might fly.

But I think I could take a squirrel, so I moved on to using a bear or a cougar. However, bears aren’t that common and I didn’t want people to think I meant “cougar” like a horny old woman, as that would completely change the context of this injury, among other things.

So I settled on a badger. If anyone asks, I was wresting a badger…to save a kitten from a horny old woman.

And when you think about it, my actions — or at least my delusions about my actions —were really quite heroic, no?

Anyway, once I settled on a story I decided I should put some ice on my throbbing head, only to realize the irony of the fact that the ice was in the freezer—the scene of the crime! But I thought of the kitten I could have saved and threw open the freezer door—slightly less enthusiastically this time—and numbed out the pain for a bit.

At least I think that’s what I did.

The details are fuzzy.

Damn badger.

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34 responses to “Door of Doom

  1. when the shame wears off I’ll tell you my story of how I sprained an ankle involving one of our kittens.

  2. Banana! I still think you should go with rescuing the kitten story…..then you could a kitten as proof! See, always thinking about you!

  3. Stupid autocorrect! I didn’t mean ‘banana!’ I meant Bahahaha….as in laughter

  4. I have so many scars and bruises I have gotten from things such as this. So many. I have one cool one where a pit bull bit a piece of my cheek off. The rest have made up stories of coolness, as they are mostly from things like falling out of the bath tub while shaving.

    I have knocked my own head at least three times on my cupboard doors since I got this new house. It’s been two years. I can no longer blame newness.

  5. With the angry election noise you could claim a campaign worker socked you when you pleasantly asked them to stop badgering you….(Who wants to have badgers thrown at you? Shouldn’t be allowed.You already had close calls with badgers….)

  6. Haha i hate it when wonderful things hurt you. Like dropping a bottle of wine on your foot.

  7. The baby hit me in the throat with the corner of the cabinet door today. You’re welcome to use her in an excuse – ahem, I mean explanation – any time.

    • Oh, I have a story about landing on the edge of a lazy susan cabinet while jumping down from the counter when I was younger. Right on the rump. Now I’m flashing back…not good. Ugh.

  8. Brianna Soloski

    Your fridge opens the wrong way. I’ve never seen where the doors open to the right.

  9. I’m sorry you got hurt, but I laughed at your description of the incident. You are a really funny story teller!

  10. Glad you survived the badger, “cougar,” kitten incident. I have had some unfortunate incidents with the vacuum and may borrow your story. Much more interesting than getting tangled up in the cord.

  11. See, now I’m laughing and I’m not sure I should be. 1000s of single people are killed each year by flinging open the wrong door. It doesn’t compare to the 10000 senselessly killed by letting their head fall to the table top, sobbing, while listening to “Alone again, naturally,” and knocking themselves cold, falling off the chair, and drowning in the cat bowl – but still.

  12. Be careful out there! While I’ve never been attacked by a freezer door (I mean, badger, BADGER ;)) I’ve slammed a car door at full throttle into the side of my head at least three times in my clumsy career, ending up in the hospital once. Here we are worried about things like serial killers and plane crashes and the Mayan calendar, when the REAL threat is doors.

    • Amen to that. I’ve slammed my head into kitchen cabinet doors on two occasions over the past 10 days. At least I learn from my mistakes and chose to wound myself with a different door each time…and then there’s the time I tried to punt a door frame with my foot………..dangerous things…doors or cats…

  13. You and I would be dangerous if we ever went anywhere together in public. I broke my toe the other day. By tripping over the cat. Our felines are not helpful in an emergency.

  14. All I see is that Lara Bar sticker? Wrapper? Because I loves me some Lara Bars. And I’m sorry about your head wound.

  15. Ohmy!! Love this- thank you for helping me laugh today!

  16. As a veteran of concussion I’m pleased you were not hurt. The bright side was you spotted those grains of rice which had previously escaped your eagle eye

  17. ” If anyone asks, I was wresting a badger…to save a kitten from a horny old woman.”

    BahahahhAHhaAHA!! You crack me the hell up, Abby.

  18. Hahaha. Glad you’re okay. Maybe you should teach the cat to dial 911. You know, like that dog just did last week? 😉
    p.s. Also, when you asked “what do you see when you look at this picture?” My eyes went to the postcard of the lady. In the tiny 1st pic they, ummm, don’t look like flowers she is holding. looool Maybe I should find my glasses.

  19. I stubbed my toe on my radiator 4 WEEKS AGO, and it still hurts. I’m too afraid to go to the doctors because I don’t want to admit I broke my toe hopping into bed with giant, pink Hello Kitty slippers on.

  20. I think cats are actively trying to kill us. I have two which means I’m really screwed.

  21. kelleysbreakroom

    I’m laughing at your bruised head, or previously bruised head, and I feel bad! Okay, not really. That was pretty funny stuff. I know another blogger who recently opened the car door on her head and had to get stitches! Ouch to both of you!

  22. I’m very sorry you hurt yourself, but I’m more interested in the Tigers on your fridge door. I couldn’t quite make out which ones they are.

    I just remembered your post “My House Is Mocking Me.” I think you might be in danger from your appliances; they seem to be resorting to violence now. Run, Abby, Run!

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