The Negotiator

The other day I came home to a chipmunk domestic in my yard. It was like COPS: Small Woodland Creature edition, minus the mini wife beater tanks and camera crew.


Considering there was plenty of food under the feeder for all to enjoy, it made me wonder what could tick off these little buggers so much that they would scream and chase each other around the yard. Does he always leaves the seat up? Does she only cook up corn? 

Yes, I spent a few moments pondering this.

Perhaps I’ve just been watching CSI: NY for too long. It’s pretty much the only “serious” show that I’ll watch on TV, due in part to the fact I feel a special connection with Gary Sinise after he and his Lt. Dan Band—yes, it’s a thing—were the entertainment at a Halloween party about five years ago.

But I do like the characters and the show, despite the fact each episode would only last about 20 minutes if you took away the music and shots of the medical examiner looking fascinated every time he picked up a scalpel (accompanied by aforementioned music.)

While I don’t live in New York and am fairly confident that I’m not part of an underground Mafia ring, I am a little hyperaware of certain things.

I think people sitting in their cars in empty parking lots look creepy—even if they’re just taking a lunch break, going into a bank makes me feel like I’m part of “Oceans 11” minus the hot guys and I assume anyone who pulls up behind me at an ATM is the Unibomber out for a jaunt.

But if (god forbid) something did every happen to me, I’m pretty sure I would be the world’s worst hostage.

The perps would most likely “remove me from the situation” quickly or surrender to authorities ASAP, preferring jail to my incessant requests to get home in time to watch the new “Chopped.”

Along with the wrath of me missing my TV show, they would have to contend with the fact I drink water all the time. Drinking water all the time combined with a bladder the size of a Cheerio means I have to go to the bathroom every five minutes.

And hell hath no fury if this “situation” falls within any of the five windows during the day in which I engage in my feedings.

If for some reason things did get carried away and a ransom note was required, the criminal would have to let me put my artistic OCD skills to use in cutting out all the letters from magazines myself. In addition, I would need to edit and possibly revise said ransom note before it could be sent out to authorities.

If it has my name on it, I want it to look good.

At any rate, the news description of what I was wearing when I went missing would probably cause my family to pretend they don’t know who I am. “Yoga pants, a sweatshirt and a streak of hummus in her hair? Nope, I don’t know her.”

That would be unfortunate, because I’m pretty sure the criminal would ante up funds simply to send me away if my above requirements weren’t met. After all, I have chipmunks to feed, and apparently you don’t want to piss those guys off.

You never know what they can do.

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27 responses to “The Negotiator

  1. I have a feeling hostage wouldn’t be what I’d ended up. I’d be shot. I know it. I’m difficult.

    Chopped question – Bobina and I watched the “lunch lady” one recently. Since the first thing that’s always cut in my kids’ schools is food and snacks, how did they find 4 ladies that had decent tasting food that didn’t wear hairnets?

    • Yeah, we would both be goners right away. As for Chopped, I saw that episode. Those women were so passionate about their students. It was sad and touching at the same time.

  2. Loved this! For me, it’s any time someone knocks on our front door after dark. Instant “Criminal Minds” replay. DON’T ANSWER IT. 🙂

  3. You sound like the perfect hostage.
    You’ve probably send them out for the correct glue…do you know how many types of white glue Elmer’s makes – they are NOT all alike – certain ones work better than others on certain surfaces….and then there’ the matching of textures of the words and letters – all glossy or newsprint…and you so do not what the black print on the back side showing through – which it will do if you use the wrong glue or use too much – but if you don’t use enough the edges curl – and you don’t want ripples and lumps under the surface – so you have to be particular about the applicator – and then there’s the actual page which is foundation for the note construction….we haven’t even talked color scheme yet…wait…where are you going? Remember to bring back the right envelope to deliver this in – we should talk about the envelope decisions….
    Good luck with the chippies.

  4. I share your same paranoia. Every time I see a white van, I memorize the license plate, thinking “serial killer.”

  5. melaniethesporklover

    I make up stories for the squirrels running around my trees, so I can totally relate!

    Also, any captors of mine would be greatly bothered by whom they chose to kidnap. Between my, “Holy crap do you have Clorox wipes? I need to clean this place!” and my “Dude, where did you learn to drive?” I am sure they’d just let me go immediately.

  6. I would be a terrible hostage too, because I am the most impatient person on the planet. And everyone knows that going to the bank for anything tends to be a thirty minute deal, minimum.

  7. Maybe it was a mating dance? and would end with them falling in each other’s chipmunky arms?

  8. Nine white vans in a row passed us on the highway last night……….too strange.

  9. I think if I was taken hostage I would ask if I could bring my own tea bags. A nice cuppa can make the grimmest experience bearable. If you’d tried my cooking you would know what I mean

  10. I’m paranoid about vans. Won’t go near them. And, every time I go to the dentist, I think I’d be a terrible hostage especially if torture were involved. I’d give up all the secrets right away.

  11. I would also make a terrible hostage. If I don’t eat, I get cranky. If I don’t have access to a bathroom about once every 45 minutes, I get cranky. If someone addresses me without first giving me their name, all hell breaks loose.

  12. “I think people sitting in their cars in empty parking lots look creepy—even if they’re just taking a lunch break, going into a bank makes me feel like I’m part of “Oceans 11” minus the hot guys and I assume anyone who pulls up behind me at an ATM is the Unibomber out for a jaunt.”

    BAhahahahHAhAHHAhhaHAhhAHAhaha!! Omg! That is REALLY funny.

  13. I watch so much TV, I can’t spare a single evening not catching up on my shows. It takes three days just to watch all my Sunday shows right now. I would just have to hope I get kidnapped during the summer months.

  14. I find people with the hoods up on their hoodies highly suspicious. Even though I myself wear hoodies. Also I hate elevators. Trapped in a box with crazy people? No thanks.

    I’ve never gotten into CSI:NY. Regular ol’ Las Vegas CSI was my favorite show for years. I thought I could not live without Grissom but then I loved Langston. Then when Langston left they brought in Ted Danson to play whatever his name is and I just did not dig him in the role. So I stopped watching

    Perhaps if you were the hostage negotiator, situations would be wrapped up quickly due to your bladders extreme motivation to move things along.

  15. I’d be equally bad as a hostage. It would be a situation where I would just cry. And cry. And because I cry maybe once a year, it would be a doozie. That’s just how it goes.

    I’d die of dehydration before the cops even got there. What a tragedy.

  16. Most of the shows we watch today can be cut down to about 20 minutes, music or not. I sat through 9 minutes of commercials one night for a half hour show!! I use to watch Chopped like crazy when we had a DVR player.

    I have pretty good scream power. I’d break their ear drum. 😉

  17. So, this is the modern day version of “Ransom of Red Chief”?

  18. heh.. I love the idea of an OCD person making a cut out ransom note… great visual or mentual, as the case may be.

  19. HAHA. I can relate to a lot of this. I’ve been watching a ton of “Breaking Bad” and I’m always CONVINCED I’m witnessing drug deals go down. Hey, maybe I am! Have I said too much already? They might come after me.

    I laughed at your five feeding sessions line.

  20. I just popped in again to say I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving day. It doesn’t happen here, so all thoughts of gluttony will have to wait for Christmas in the UK

    • And the same to you, my friend. I am thankful for people like you 😉 For the record, I am the anti-glutton and more focused on the “togetherness” crap, at least for a good hour or so. Then I’m back to my hermitude.

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