Take Notes, Hollywood

As I was fishing chickpeas out of the sink the other day, I was reminded that I’m why I can’t have nice things—and also why I will never have a movie made about my life.

But if Lifetime’s Meredith Baxter-Birney retires from storylines involving a drug-addicted woman scorned by conjoined twin husbands and decides to go a new route—enter my life as a movie—I have a few suggestions for the writers.

• A montage of me wandering around the kitchen wondering why I went in there, each scene featuring a different, stylish T-shirt.
• Plot twists around why the cat’s head is wet and covered in catnip and an existential crisis upon realizing the excitement for electric tweezers exhibited by people in infomercials far exceeds any emotional reaction I’ve ever had for anything with my job.
• Simple dialogue involving key phrases such as, “I’m confused,” “Not now, I’m eating,” “Ouch” and “Why is there such a high divorce rate among my socks?”
• Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” would play every time I sit down to eat a meal, with “I Am Woman” supplying the background music every time I remember to put out the recycle bin.

And if you need more storylines, it might be helpful to take a look at a few of my tweets from the past couple of weeks.

Take notes, Hollywood. Take notes.

A squirrel just ran by the deck with a piece of bread. If another one shows up with a Mimosa, does this count as hosting a brunch?

As she watched her little dog pee into the wind, she took pride in the fact at least this time, he didn’t tip over.

“That girl graduated from college and still goes out in the snow in PJs and flip-flops to fill the feeder. Money well spent.” – My neighbors

If they don’t want an impromptu dance party in the store, they shouldn’t play Michael Jackson’s “Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground.)”

Tortillas are like little warm blankets for food.

“The best option here is to panic.” – My brain when I think that I’ve lost my chapstick.

Days when my underwear matches my outfit make me feel like I’ve really got it together.

I came across two decapitated Barbie torsos on the sidewalk. I’m disturbed, yet slightly intrigued.

When I’m feeling down, I make a list of things to look forward to. Today’s just said “food” and “sleep.” Pretty good list.

“You must do the thing you think you cannot do” she said to herself as she prepared to say Worcestershire sauce.

I dreamed about work last night and now I’m at work. I’m not impressed with this “living the dream” thing.

The irony of watching “Fashion Police” while on the couch in yoga pants isn’t lost on me.

Becoming a member of the Swiffer Facebook Fan Club is the closest I’ll ever come to joining a gang.

I’m for equal rights so I just used the often neglected back left burner on my stove. Follow my lead, people.

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world,” I whisper to myself as I replace the empty paper towel roll in the office kitchen.

My one-woman show “Help Me I’m Trapped In my Sweatshirt!” is garnering some major buzz from the cat.

My Sunday morning walk of shame includes a fabric softener sheet falling out of the leg of my pants at the gym.

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Again, that’s just a sample. I suppose that means several sequels could be made, not to mention a line of action figures featuring a variety of interchangeable workout pants and sweatshirts tinged with the light scent of garlic.

All I ask is that the bust region resemble more “Barbie” than “Skipper.” Let’s make this happen, people. 

Need a holiday gift that gives back? Buy the book.

It’s time for audience participation!

If you were to have a movie made about your life, what actor/actress would you want to play you in the film?