Shocking Plot Twists!

While I love my routines, I hate predictability when it comes to the storylines in books, TV shows and movies. If I can figure out what’s going to happen five minutes in, you’ve lost me.

So I present to you a more realistic view of some stories you might have been told.

Shocking Plot Twists and Untold Stories, Revealed!

Belle (Beauty) and the Beast split up shortly after they realize they don’t have any dishes or household products that actually work. If you will recall, theirs spend a majority of the time singing and dancing.

While entertaining at first, it soon became evident that a talking candlestick and chipped, chatty tea cup don’t do much more than provide an audience for the newlyweds as they argue about hair in the sink and the fact that Belle’s dad won’t move out.

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With Yogi taking the role of the friendly picnic basket thief, Smokey the Bear was discovered to actually be the one starting a majority of forest fires. In an attempt to maintain job security, Smokey apparently felt his only inroad to fame was deceit and a penchant for arson.

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If you give a mouse a cookie, he will not ask for a glass of milk, want to look in a mirror to make sure he doesn’t have a milk mustache, etc. like the story would have you believe. Instead he will try and take residence up in the pantry, crap all over and fall victim to an edible eviction at the hands of a domestic feline who can sniff out fear and fur.

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As it turns out, the beautiful Rapunzel doesn’t let her hair down just for any man—she lets it down for every man. After leading the love-struck fools into her web of hair extensions and thinly-spread lies for too long, friends and family stage an intervention. However, Rapunzel instead decides to cut off her hair, sell it on eBay and try out for “The Bachelor.”

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CSI Episode: No one is killed. The detectives hang in the office and play Bananagrams.

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Philosophical differences between neighbors Johnny Appleseed, a kind soul who loves to plant apple trees and protect them from harm, and Paul Bunyan, a testosterone egomaniac who cuts down the trees with one swoop of his axe, land these two on Judge Judy.

It gets dirty. Johnny brings up how Paul never picks up the literal bull shit that Babe the Blue Ox leaves around. Paul counters with an argument about property lines and the tree that is actually his. Judge Judy sighs, rolls her eyes and rules in favor of Johnny because Paul wore jeans into court. Her ruling is final.

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After hearing about Snow White’s brush with a necrophilia-driven Prince, an evil Queen and a life filled with cooking, cleaning and keeping house for seven “little people” while they mine for jewels and go out at night, TLC offers Snow White her own reality show.

The only requirement is that she incorporate the dwarfs and cupcakes somehow to appeal to their core demographic. She accepts and “Good Things Come in Small Packages” is a huge hit.

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The Little Engine that Could, best known for optimistically chanting, “I think I can, I think I can,” could overcome every seemingly impossible task except being cited for EPA clean air violations. He thought he could, but he can’t—until he cleans up his act.

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We’ll end with the first story told—Adam and Eve. However, in this instance Eve says she can’t eat the apple because there’s no proof that it’s 100 percent non-GMO organic. Adam, annoyed and exasperated with Eve—but more importantly, ravenously hungry—grabs the apple, his junk behind the strategically-placed fig leaf and chows down.

I think we know how this ends.

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