Breaking News

I’m not really into the news.

While I think it’s important to know what’s going on, I’m okay with just grazing the surface with minimal awareness to the impending doom of the planet and how a trailer park manager won the lotto with a ticket he found in an opossum nest.

With that said, I do have the local news on in the background when getting ready for work in the morning and often while I’m eating dinner—mostly for the weather.

But the thing is that it’s basically the same script each day with names, places and dates switched around like some perverted Mad Libs puzzle. Of course the stories are different, but the premise is often the same. So while I’ve only been privy to a “behind the scenes” look at the news on one occasion—and it was a Saturday morning—I have to imagine the script looks something like this.

Breaking News!

Newscaster 1: Good morning! I’m Susie Sunshine.

Newscaster 2: And I’m Bob Boring. It’s Monday and you’re tuned into WXYZ, where we are the ONLY station to bring you the most EXCLUSIVE up-to-date news complete with witty banter and sexual tension between me and my co-host that can be cut with a dull butter knife.

N1: That’s right, Bob. Ha, ha, ha! First off, the former mayor has been arrested on embezzlement charges from his current job at Popcorn Palace, but this isn’t the first time he’s been “popped” for that. We’ll detail his criminal record coming up in 10.

N2: Thanks, Suze. There’s also a warning out there today for anyone who has driven a car filled with gasoline, as it turns out that one false move could cause the car to explode. This is very important information, so be sure to tune into our 11 pm newscast 17 hours from now for the details.

N1: And we have some good news for you this morning about that giant lizard that was run over by a Segway driven by that 103-year-old man last week. Let’s just say, he’s “scaling” back to health.

N2: But first, let’s throw it over to chief meteorologist, Guy Cloud, who is standing outside in the pouring rain and blowing winds. Guy!

(Throw it to weatherman standing outside in the pouring ran, holding onto his hat and umbrella while trying to talk into the microphone.)

Weatherman: Thanks guys! You don’t need me standing outside in this horrible storm to tell you that it’s raining outside, but I’ll still tell you that it’s raining outside and demonstrate this by standing outside in the rain. As for the rest of the week, it’s hard to pinpoint the exact weather that you can expect—although that’s my job—so be sure to check back later tonight for your completely hypothetical 8 day forecast. Remember, we’re the MOST accurate storm team around! Back to you in the studio!

N1: What a Guy, ha ha!

N2: Indeed Suze, indeed. No one can rain on his parade! But bringing the focus back to us, coming up we’ll tell you all about that semi-serious thing that happened and then include video of our reporter walking at the camera while talking and accenting scripted words with numerous hand gestures while ignoring everything behind them.

They will then interview someone off the street who is the least qualified to speak publically on the subject—or even be out in public at all—before offering up an introspective statement delivered for maximum impact.

N1: (taking a sip from her coffee cup) You’re such a tease, Bob! I look forward to pretending to care.

N2: As do I, Suze. As do I. And now a word from our sponsors.

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