Exclusive Interview: Vanilla Ice

Scene: An unprepared reporter interviews Robert Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice

Sorry if I’m a bit flustered, but I’m actually not the person who was supposed to do this interview. The reporter who was assigned is apparently sick, although I suspect it’s “the bar flu,” if you know what I mean. Ha, ha.

I’m not so much a “reporter,” per se, as a photographer for the pet fashion section of the paper. But I’m a team player. Plus, c’mon, you’re Vanilla Ice! So I was all, “Will I ever stop? Yo, I don’t know. Give me the address, and I’ll go!”

I grew up listening to you, so big fan!

But enough about me, let’s get to the questions. Of course, Dan, who was supposed to do the interview, wasn’t able to give me the questions he was going to ask, so these are some I jotted down on the back of a napkin at Starbucks this morning. I didn’t have a lot of time to prepare, but…

Oh my god! I just realized I was drinking ICED COFFEE when I was Googling you and preparing for this interview. Talk about meant to be!

So, one thing “off the record,” as they say, before we really start. And this might have been influenced by the fact that I was drinking a mocha when I got the call to do the interview, but I think it’s still of general interest: Do you prefer vanilla or chocolate?

I mean, the obvious answer would be vanilla, seeing as you’re Vanilla Ice and all, but I’m thinking that name might just be symbolic of something more. Like maybe by “vanilla” you really meant “bland” in an ironic way, because obviously you’re not bland at all. I didn’t mean to imply that.

Anyway, I guess that’s not important.

Questions. Let’s see…sorry. I’m trying to read these scribbles here. The other day I wrote down “clean shower” and read it as “clean Steve” which would be really awkward if I was around someone named Steve!

Moving along.

Everyone knows “Ice Ice Baby” and that you worked with MC Hammer—how crazy were those pants, by the way?—but I’m supposed to ask you about The Vanilla Ice Project,” a show you have on DIY where you guys, and I quote from the Internet, “pound nails and call the shots in this room-by-room renovation.”

Is that like a metaphor for something or do you really build things? I once tried to assemble a bookcase from IKEA and almost glued my hands together, so maybe I should TiVo you, huh?

Anyway, they also told me to ask you about “Vanilla Ice Goes Amish?” I thought maybe I wrote that down wrong and meant “danish,” being in Starbucks and all, but I Googled it and found out you’re going to have another show on DIY and, I quote, “immerse yourself in an Amish community in Ohio to learn how they do construction.”

You do know that they don’t have electricity right? What if they ask you to “play that funky music, white boy?” Are you going to be all, “To the extreme, I will pump that butter handle. Light up the room with a waxy homemade candle?”

I just came up with that! If you use it, let me know!

OK, I’ll guess I’ll just watch and see. But I have to know… do you ever walk into a room and say something like “Hey, I’m back!” and your friends and family are like, “With a brand new invention?” And then you chime in with, “Something, grabs a hold of me tightly” and you all have a good laugh?

Well, no matter. What’s that? Our time is done? Bummer. I had some really good questions coming up. I’ll guess I’ll just look for you on TV and I thank you for your time.

Word to your mother!

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22 responses to “Exclusive Interview: Vanilla Ice

  1. Please tell me you are joking about the Amish thing.

  2. Amish people make their Vanilla Ice from scratch without electricity right? But can they use a telephone you know if they need to call their neighbor and ask the recipe?

  3. You need to submit this to The Hairpin! This was great.

  4. So funny! This post was killin’ my brain like a poisonous mushroom!

  5. Do the Amish even use ice? What a novelty this will be for them!

  6. At this exact moment I REALLY hope the DIY channel is in my package. I need to see both of those shows.

  7. tomuseornottomuse

    Hahaha, love this post. What’s up with the Amish obsession these days anyway? I stumbled across Amish Mafia a few weeks ago.I thought it was a joke. Amish mafia? Isn’t that an oxymoron????

  8. HA HA! LOVE IT! He’s in my HEAD man. Anytime I see ice, anytime I hear someone say “stop” (I must say “collaborate and listen), anytime I see the words “check out my hook”, you know…

  9. Not a big fan of Mr. Vanilla. I too hope the Amish thing was a joke but it sounds like it wasn’t. Oh well, wonders never cease.

  10. Is this brilliantly written and hilarious?! Duh. Of course it is. And you have a real knack for those puns. I was laughing out loud!

  11. I am crying laughing. CRYING. LAUGHING. I cant even type this comment!

  12. What I’m in Ohio, and Vanilla Ice is coming here to taint our Amish community. Stop, take it back and listen…..

  13. Ha! This was hilarious! I love all of your comments to yourself and that waxy candle line was genius! Can you see if you can get a cameo spot on one of those shows??

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