A Match for Martha

I heard that in an interview with Matt Lauer on the “TODAY” show, Martha Stewart, 71, said that she’s had trouble meeting a male friend with benefits and admitted she attempted to (unsuccessfully) join Match.com.

Apparently she loves dating, but the questionnaire seemed impossible and so she’s just going to keep looking on her own.


Well, I’ve never attempted online dating, but I think I could really help her out with this thing. After all, if weirdo Guy Fieri can find his Gal Fieri, there has to be hope left for Martha.

Username: Martha Stewart

Headline: Lifestyle guru, businesswoman, author, magazine founder and publisher, TV personality and domestic diva seeking companionship and snuggles with someone who appreciates the finer things in life.

Age: A spritely 71

Sign: Leo, which is perfect because I love my Himalayan cats!

Ethnicity: Whitest woman on the planet

Nickname: In prison it was “M. Diddy,” but I would prefer to just go by Martha. Bygones!

Income: Well this is curious! My income range is not represented. No matter. I get by.

Religion: Cleanliness is next to godliness. Also, Dog is my co-pilot. Ha!

Relationships: One ex-husband and several ex-beaus, most notably a software billionaire and Anthony Hopkins, who I had to break it off with after viewing that wretched film, “Silence of the Lambs.” I was unable to avoid associating Hopkins with Hannibal Lecter, a man with absolutely no table manners or sense of proper etiquette.

Children: I’ve had many lovely dogs, cats and horses over the years, but I won’t bore you with those details yet! However, if you’re interested, my two blogging pups, Francesca and Sharkey, have created a photo gallery of all my pets.

Oh, and I have one daughter, Alexis.

Body Type: It depends on what I’m eating, but I prefer an Asti for a light-bodied wine and a Barbaresco for a full-bodied wine.

Celebrity Look-Alike: I’ve been told I could be a mix of that lovely woman who played Murphy Brown (Candice Bergen) and Diane Sawyer.

Smoke: Do you mean salmon? If so, yes. It can make a delightful appetizer when done correctly.

Drink: I love a whiskey sour with fresh juice or a mojito, but it has to be a purple basil mojito and the basil has to be cultivated from my own garden and tended to with painted garden tools.

Hobbies: Anything involving a hot glue gun—decoupage, scrapbooking, creating snow globes out of glass from upcycled chandeliers; knitting blankets from the hair of my prize-winning Chow Chows, baking “green” brownies with my pal Snoop Dogg/Lion out of cupcake tins I’ve created from paperclips and aluminum foil; building a billion-dollar empire and tweeting. I love the Twitter!

Who I’m Looking For: Someone who I can laugh with that knows they can use half a potato to unscrew a broken light bulb. He should love animals, personal transformation and organized bed linens. There’s something incredibly satisfying about opening up the linen closet to see not unholy chaos, but color-coded bundles neatly tied in a bow.

Note: Stockbrokers and actors who have portrayed cannibals need not apply.

I think it’s pretty solid and can only imagine that the men would be lining up.  And if all else fails, I’m pretty sure she could try Craig’s List or get cast on “The Bachelorette.”

Martha might just meet her match.

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27 responses to “A Match for Martha

  1. Ha. I love the prison reference. Maybe the fact that she is a convicted felon is why it is hard for her to find dates.

  2. Ha! Very accurate. I saw that interview this morning too!

  3. I luerve this post so much. Right. On. The. Money.

  4. You’ve been reading my old dating profiles! Well, the parts about drugs and criminal records, anyway.

    Love “upcycled chandeliers” – please tell me that’s a real thing, because it’s just exactly ridiculous enough to have come straight off her website.

  5. My god, that sounds like an irresistible profile. It doesn’t say anything about favourite kinds of cheese but that may just be an oversight

  6. Love the Body Type and Smoke answers! Too bad I’m a chick, because I totally know that potato/light bulb trick. This was funny!

  7. You nailed it. Absolutely nailed. There were so many funny things in here, I can’t possibly mention them all. Well done; Martha would be proud.

  8. Love this! Super clever and funny!

  9. Awesome. I particularly loved “income!”

  10. Martha Stewart on The Bachelorette would be hilarious and the only way I would watch that show. I used to watch her talk show just to see her scold the guest – so much fun.

  11. I saw that interview and wondered what her application answers would be – mystery solved!
    (You don’t think she’s going to be on that Millionaire’s Matchmaker show, do you?)

  12. modmomelleroy

    HA! Love, love! I saw that interview too. This is golden! Ah…Martha from the cell block bein’ all down with the Match.com homies and such. Gotta love her.

  13. Matt Lauer makes the same cash she does.He just bought a yacht. Plus, he treats peopel the same way Martha does. Hello, Ann Curry?

    Is Lauer single? If so, Martha should go all cougar on him.

  14. Hilarious post! I hope that someone scoops her up and spills all of the details on their dating blog. I would be fascinated to know what a date with her would be like. When she coaches someone on her bedroom preferences, does she give positive reinforcement by saying, “That’s a good thing!”

  15. Holy Brilliant. You have done Martha a great service. I would love it if she saw this. Not as much as I would love it if she passed me her empire Willy Wonka style, but still…it’d be neat-o

    Here from Finding the Funny.

  16. This is hilarious Abby!

    My two favorites are:

    Ethnicity: Whitest woman on the planet

    Celebrity Look-Alike: I’ve been told I could be a mix of that lovely woman who played Murphy Brown (Candice Bergen) and Diane Sawyer.

  17. I love you and I love this post! My favorite was the “knitting blankets from the hair of my prize-winning Chow Chows” and “basil has to be cultivated from my own garden and tended to with painted garden tools.”

    Brilliant and so clever!

  18. Spot on! She’s such a rich clever tireless cliche that I think you didi her justice. Rock on!

  19. I think this could be your new profession: writing profiles for Match.com. As far as Martha is concerned, she should think about Snoop. Just think what she could do with his hair. She’d have a whole new set of how to articles. Plus, she could tap into another demographic.

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