A Natural Reaction

For every action, there is an equal and opposite overreaction, usually by me.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ve realized that I’m great in situations that don’t directly involve me on a primary level. Whereas other people freak out, I remain calm and collected. For example:

Situation: Stepdad cut off part of his finger while using the snow blower a few years ago.

Others: He (understandably) came yelling into the house holding his house-of-horrors hand. Mom (who will deny this) freaked out and started running around while the two of them talked over each other and wasted precious time.

Me: Calmly called 911 and described the emergency while also getting ice ready for the “stub” (if found,) ripping up his Mensa application and Googling “How to Reattach a Fingertip for Dummies” and a recipe for a new vegan cheesecake.

Because it wasn’t my finger and wouldn’t impair my ability to eat or do something of equal importance, I was fine. But there are still those “rare” days when something will happen and on a scale of 1-10 in the crazy department, I come in at about “Lindsay Lohan.”

Situation: A summer thunderstorm.

Others: Some sit on the porch and watch the storm roll in while others go about their business in a normal fashion.

Me: OH MY GOD! We’re going to lose power and all of my food will go bad, not to mention that I’ll miss the ballgame and can’t even go on Twitter to complain that we’re going to lose power! (All of this is said while trying to fit into the Thundershirt my mom has for her 13-lb dog.)

Situation: I send an email, text, etc. or put up a blog post and don’t immediately get a reply.

Others: Probably forget that they sent/posted it and simply go on with their lives.

Me: Fail to realize that not everyone is as OCD as me, and that they might be busy with “social lives” or whatever. Instead, I assume they hate me and are creating a Voodoo doll of my likeness instead of replying to email or reading my blog (If you are creating a doll though, please embellish the boobs quite a bit. I’ll totally buy it from you.)

Situation: Notice that the Kleenex box in my bathroom actually matches the bathroom.

Others: Would never notice this in the first place.

Me: Sigh deeply, realizing that now I can never use the last Kleenex in that box because it perfectly matches the interior of the bathroom and that moment might never happen again.

Situation: A winter ice storm/blizzard.

Others: Some people enjoy the view with a cup of hot cocoa while others go about their business in a normal fashion.

Me: OH MY GOD! We’re going to lose power and I’ll freeze, not to mention that I’ll miss the hockey game and can’t even go on Twitter to complain that we’re going to lose power! (All of this is said while trying to create a blankie fort by preemptive candlelight.)

Situation: Hot gym guy says, “Are you done using this bench?”

Others: Tell hot gym guy if they’re done using that bench.

Me: Translate that to mean, “I don’t even care that right now you smell like IcyHot and have what is either avocado or a booger on your shirt. I think we should run away together somewhere warm and perfect our slow-motion “Baywatch” jog.

Situation: Hot gym guy says, “Abby, remember the restraining order?”

Others: Well, they probably stay away at least 100 yards.

Me: Translate that to mean, “I don’t even care that right now you smell like IcyHot and have what is either avocado or a booger on your shirt. I think we should run away together somewhere warm and perfect our slow-motion “Baywatch” jog.

So as you can see, I’m actually quite a rational person if you sever a limb, suffer a natural disaster a safe distance away from my house or need instruction on how to create a weather shelter cocoon out of catnip-laced blankets.


Ahem. Carry on.

93 responses to “A Natural Reaction

  1. ~snicker~ I demand that everyone charge up everything in the house as soon as the first rain drop hits, just in case…also?
    my indoor cat made friends through the window with an outdoor cat.
    dude: look, they’re playing
    me: son of *@*#$ he’s gonna rip the window screen to get outside and we’re never going to see our cat again, and then that other stupid cat is gonna come rowring around every.corkin.night. and bugs will fly in…
    dude: chill. the other cat’s gone already.

  2. it is pretty crazy how calm and together I am when I have to be – there have been many times over the past couple years I have had to deal with an emergency, and did so quite well. I had no idea.

    I do, however, become completely irrational when there is a spider in the house (I try to make deals with them that they stay IN the garage, AWAY from me).

    • Do they hold to the deals??? Mine never – they will not stay up there, 9 feet overhead – but I have warned them, down here are two loyal furry friends that love a good chase and a tasty, crunchy spider …:P

  3. would comment, but must go dust the kleenex box that matches so it must never be used in the guest bath…and make sure it’s placed squarely and not at an angle….the cat keeps messing with me and moving it….I have seen tell tale cat hair.

  4. You and Mike together in a room during a thunderstorm with a loose bird in the house would be really, really special. I think I would pay to see that.

  5. I was terrified of thunder as a child. My mother told me it was just the sound of God farting. I carry that image with me to this day.

  6. It’s hard to type and fill the Voodoo doll with foam all at once, but now that I know I have a buyer, it seems in my best interests to keep going… Any special requests on the outfit? I’m guessing yoga pants.

  7. We all carry the madness gene within us, but it shows in different ways. Thus you have my admiration and sympathy at the same time

  8. I have, on more than one occasion, opened up the side of a perfectly matching Kleenex box, inserted the contents of another box that does not match, and then taped the side back up. (Making sure, of course, that it’s the side facing away from where most people in the room will be looking at it.) I once considered getting a Kleenex box cover to avoid these surgical procedures, but somehow that feels too matchy-matchy to me. 😛

  9. Ever since the hurricane in the fall, I’m obsessed with losing power when it storms. Charge everything! Eat all the ice cream! Take a shower!

  10. you could totally MacGyver the bottom of the Kleenex, and THEN.. when it runs out, buy a NEW Kleenex box, and then pull the tissues out from the bottom and put them in the old box, and tape it… and… right. You get it. (I too have issues.)

  11. I constantly fear losing power. I’m always sure that it will last for DAYS and I will never recover.

  12. I have never used an entire box of tissues, because I only buy the ones in pretty boxes, and if they are empty I have to throw the box away. So my pantry is stacked with half used boxes of tissues and I use a roll of toilet paper to blow my nose.

  13. I’ve noticed that so many men where I live are missing digits. And while it actually really creeps me out, when I spot the missing finger, I can’t stop looking at the stump. Ugh.

    I had the same reaction to the thunderstorm yesterday. Immediately I was thinking the power would go out, the food would go bad, how would I get ready for work without a hair dryer and where the heck did I put the flashlights?

  14. More proof we’re a lot alike. Well, except that I don’t go to the gym or exercise much.

  15. Oh my goodness. Abby, I am laughing SO HARD. I react the same way as you do in situations. If someone else is injured I am totally fine and calm – but the second there’s a storm or the slightest chance of losing power I will freak the fuck out!

  16. It’s like we are the same person. I totally freak out about all of those things, but the legitimate things where one would normally freak out, I handle like a champ.

    Except when it comes to my dogs. I am ridiculously unrealistic and a total freaker outer when one little thing happens to my babies. I can’t function.

    Or when I’m out of pudding. Or vodka.

    • We keep having these similarities pop up, which is kind of fun, but then you combined the words “pudding” and “Vodka” and elevated yourself high, high above me…

  17. You and Buddy the golden retriever should have your own show where you fight crime during thunderstorms despite your freakouts.

    I know what you mean about posting and getting no immediate reaction. I always assume if there isn’t a like or comment after 2 hours, then the zombie apocalypse really happened and I start shopping for cross bows.

  18. DID YOU SAY SPIDER?!?! I’m itchy all over now, and my peripheral vision is all twitchy.

  19. OMG lmao! reading not only your post; but the comments. Simply priceless..And for those that are reading that say they’ve NO issues; probably have the MOST issues of them all. Or least thats what I’ve discovered in this life journey. I would think, that people with no issues, have GOT to be very, big bores..I’d not know because I don’t know any. Which more than likely means they don’t exist…Mostly everyone freaks out about something at one time or another; only some of us admit it. Some of us freak out more than others ; and we’re the most exciting, FUN and social butterflies that are life of the party..even when there isn’t a party. I’ve learned to handle more & more without freaking out..I can juggle about a cazillion things at once..But add that cazillionth & one thing? Could be minor or major…but can put me on momentary overload. In otherwords, I can relate and truly enjoyed reading your write. 2 thumbs UP!

  20. I love this! Everything that you said resonates deeply. It’s easy to tell other people how to handle things that don’t involve me, but anytime it affects me… Insane. Thanks for a good read with a humorous spin.

  21. You are hilarious 🙂

  22. OMG. I’m so pleased I found this blog and post! You’re a) hilarious and b) clearly some long-lost sibling. SO FUNNY and perfectly describes me. And you, by all accounts! Ha. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed too. It’s thoroughly deserved!!!

  23. Thunderstorms? I love ’em. Spiders? I pet ’em. Matching household accoutrements? I’ve been known to bring a swatch of something to the store just to make sure. But filth and clutter…(long sigh)

    I have friends whom Hoarders needs to near about. I don’t enter their homes if I can manage it. The toilet bowl with the dark brown color where the water should be, the rancid collection of olive oils on the stove, the cobweb art (I love spiders, but they must be discreet) in every corner of every room, the ironic spongy layer of dust on the vacuum, the plug-in air fresheners cranked to HIGH at every outlet, doing their best to cheer up the mold.

    I’ve never taken Valium before but I can understand the allure.

  24. Hahahaha. Great post. 🙂

    — J.W.

  25. Reading this post I’m reminded of some words of wisdom from my Buddah-like father:
    Panic now and avoid the rush.
    I’ve heeded Daddy’s advice well- right down to wearing underwear under my p.j.s in case a natural disaster strikes while I’m asleep. Thanks for making me feel not so weird.

  26. OMG I so see myself in some of those, lolz… great post!

  27. Great post! I can totally relate. I call it awfulizing. It is a world class skill. I am a professional awfulizer so I can grade you: You get an A. 🙂

  28. Love this post. Super funny and I completely relate to you in you parent situation. Almost the same exact thing happened to my father except it was a sprinkler. Thank god someone in the house, me, had the brains to call 911…

  29. hahaha….so funny and shows the perfectly calm and natural 😉
    oh by the way, for the kleenex, get another box, stash it in somewhere and use that and keep the matching one for guests (perhaps someone is as observant :P)
    really funny post, congratulations on being freshly pressed!

  30. Ha ha – pretty funny! I do NOT handle stressful situations nearly as well as I wish I did! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

  31. Ha! I know exactly what you’re talking about. Last year my boyfriend called me to tell me he cut his thumb off at work, I went to his house, picked up clean clothes, phone charger, a book, etc…and went to meet him at the hospital, keeping my cool the entire time. On the other hand about 3 weeks ago we saw a dying brown recluse spider (the size of my hand) on his porch and I freaked out yelling and ran to the street. I still can’t step on that porch without looking around first! I’m with you on the tissue box thing too, but my biggest pet peeve in the bathroom is when someone dries their hands and doesn’t re-fold the towel neatly.
    -Survive Reality, Live the Dream

  32. Laughed so much while reading this one…thanks…

  33. Hi Abby,
    You remind me so much like myself. Perhaps you need to relax and paint?

  34. Oh, the kleenex box. Yes. Like having them match the room, yes, yes, yes. Have considered re-filling the RIGHT ones when they are empty.

  35. This is stark raving maddeningly hilarious. Dude I so needed that laugh right now. Great post! Great!! (and don’t go worrying about the next freshly pressed post! I’m pretty sure you’re going to have millions more!) =D

    Your Friendly Neighborhood Cookie Monstah

  36. aw! Abby with the issues, but you sound so perfectly normal, in a sort of abnormal way. This was a wonderful read. 😀

  37. Rational and logical reactions can only get you so far in life. And you should always fear spiders, always…at least I do.

    • Megan-
      No need to fear spiders. It is said that within ten feet of everyplace there is a spider. Now there is a comforting thought for you, since they are here to stay.

      They serve a most useful purpose, are found in ‘kings palaces,’ are extremely patient (we should envy this), are very interesting, and are very quiet!

      • Great now I need to move into a 9 foot 11 inch bubble.
        I suppose I could benefit from their patient nature, but one tried to attack me last night so all bets are off. By the way, when I say attack, he was really just in my currently 10 foot bubble.

  38. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Abby, in case you don’t know………. You do have issues doll.I like the gym bunny and the perfected slow motion Baywatch jog….You made my morning.Haven’t laughed like this in a while.

  39. Loved this post! I’m the same way. Horrible car accident 10 ft away from my car? Call 911, wait until I’m sure there are no serious injuries, and wait in parking lot in case police have questions. Someone moved my welcome mat in front of neighbors door? Decide neighbor is a serial killer who is playing an elaborate mind game and call apartment complex in a panic for no reason (welcome mat now on porch). Sigh.

  40. I am exactly the same. Or maybe different but the same. 😉 I call myself “easily startled” and I am when it involves me or my kids. When it involves anyone else, I’m smooth/ cool as a cucumber and a great voice of reason.

  41. Hehe I totally GET you! 🙂

  42. Lisa clearly has issues too!!! This really cheered me up after a ghastly day…
    Great post, thank you

  43. This is hilarious! Just goes to show you, everyone has their quirks 🙂 Thanks for sharing and congrats on being freshly pressed!

  44. I electrocuted myself last summer (don’t ask) and screamed quite loudly (it was painful and, excuse the pun, shocking) only for not one of my family members to check in on me. When I bring this up to my mam, she excuses herself by saying that I scream every time I see a spider (which I don’t, I only scream when it tries to eat me.)

  45. vastlycurious.com

    Subdued belly laugh but just roiling on the inside! I so needed a laugh even at his excuse.. I hope he healed. How does one cut themselves with a snow blower just curious? I think I can make an appropriately colored and well matched Voodoo doll if you can just find it in yourself to RELEASE the color. What could be better than a co-ordinating Voodoo ?

  46. Dang girl, I go in search of flashlights, candles and fill up containers of fresh water. Kleenex box is low, awe heck, I’ll just use my shirt sleeve. I do fret that my weather band radio will fail me, batteries will become scarce and my dog will need to pee during the massive electrical storm, get caught in high winds and blow into Kansas without me… 🙂

  47. BackOfficeOnline.me

    Very funny and very true, I can relate on some of the very similar situation. I fear of loosing power mainly because I had personal experience of a break in and back then cell phones were not as popular as they are today.

    Over all I loved reading your post…it was hilarious yet to the point. Thanks

    • I also have a serious experience with a serious blackout when I lived in Detroit and endured a semi-emergency situation, so I can relate. I think it still scares me today!

  48. I can completely relate to the OCDishness around not getting immediate gratification while social networking. I’ve checked friend’s FB feed to ensure they were seeing my posts. NOTICE ME!

  49. You are so funny…so enjoyed this posts. Congrats on Freshly Pressed and you’ve been validated!!! This post made me…really…laugh out loud!

  50. freespirit424

    I love your post and can relate to all. Once when I was living in Barbados, all comfy, reading my book, a rat jumped down from the rafters onto my shoulder….I did freak out big time and grabbed the broom and jumped up on the table. A bit difficult at age 60. Once there, I realized while watching the rat run around in circles, being batted about by my cat that it was already half dead. My heart stopped racing and logic returned. I then remembered I had set poison some days earlier and it was really OK to get back down on the floor. Eventually the cat killed the half dead rat and I got to clean up the mess. Hate those situations that cause anxiety or heart attacks or any other nasty thing but the truth of the matter is, the rat wasn’t as bad as the various centipedes that raced about hiding in corners until they could get into attack mode and bite me…..life in the tropics…it had it’s moments. I will enjoy following your posts. Thanks

    • GAH! That sounds horrible. I’m pretty sure I would have had to burn my house down, but at least you took the rational approach. 😉

      • freespirit424

        yes, I have some great Barbados stories. I’m working up to that time in my life. I’m new to this blogging thing and started mine just so I wouldn’t loose some of my memories and Facebook didn’t seem to be the place to do it.. I’m at that stage in life where things can be a bit hazy. ha ha I’m only at 1965 and I manifested Barbados in the early 90’s.so I’ve got a ways to go.

  51. There are some funny lines in this post! I like your natural style of writing like you are talking! Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed! I am in awe of all those who get that far!

  52. I liked this a lot. I too have some of he same reactions as you. Except for in a thunderstorm I am not so much worried about loosing power I am more concerned with the roof getting ripped off, the water leaking into the power and starting a fire and, oh, imminent death.

    • But would you still have power during all that? 😉

      • Haha. I see what you did there. But as the eternal pessimist my mind always goes to the worst possible outcome first. I think that if my house was on fire or lacking a roof, electricity would not be very high on my list of concerns.

Talk to me

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s