Talking Dirty

If you’re new here, I should tell you that I love my garden and flowers.

The OCD in me takes immense pleasure in dead-heading petunias, picking green beans and pulling out weeds (in both my yard and any other surface that makes me feel twitchy—it’s actually really a curse.)

While Michigan weather is unpredictable, it’s usually a safe bet that you can start planting things any time after Memorial Day, which means we’re getting down and dirty around Chez Abby these days.

But a few trips to the greenhouse and Home Depot combined with my useless need to make puns have enlightened (questionable word choice) me to the fact that the simple act of gardening could also be a great bed to plant the seeds for a budding romance—or at least leaf a good first impression.

So if you’re someone like me whose relationship status is often: “Drunk on allergy medication and just cleaned out the cat’s crap box,” this guide might be just what you need to get down and dirty.

Get Down and Dirty

The most important thing to remember is that no trip to Home Depot (or similar home improvement store that will make you feel like you need all new handles for your cabinets) is official until you loudly proclaim either, “I just want a good stud finder!” or “Where my hose at?”

This establishes your mission—not to simply find tools or get kelp for your yard, but to find someone who will be mowtivated to maybe plant one on you (wink, wink.)

When approached by a possible suitor, be sure to lure them over to the gardening section, as making initial contact around the nails, caulk and nipples is a bit too forward these days—and the puns are entirely too obvious. You’re screwed.

See? Way too obvious.

Once you’ve secured your position in the Garden Center, casually mention that you’re an entre-manure who wants to create Miracle-Gro for small boobs. If they don’t get your humor, move on, as brilliance cannot be wasted on those who can’t till it like it is.

But what’s that, you say? They dug what you said?

Then with the fertile groundwork planted, continue to cultivate the conversation by sharing that although you’re “a bit rough around the hedges, you’re really a kick in the plants” or that you “just finished trimming your bush and are looking for veggies that will ex-seed all your expectations.”

They will probably counter with something that sounds like, “Umm…I’m rooting for you—ha, ha—but I thought you were looking for the aisle that contained cow shit for your garden.” That should be interpreted as, “I think that weed make a great pair.”

But if you’re forced to leave without your stud finder or hose, don’t feel too bad. Remember, it’s the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and at the end of the day, you’re still single and ready to shingle.


And of course, there’s no place like gnome.

Like the blog? Buy the NEW book!

Thanks again to everyone who has shared and will continue to share—hint, hint—the news about my new book. If you read it and don’t hate it, I would love for you to write an Amazon review. If you hated it, then you probably hate my blog. And raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, but that’s okay. Some people are weird. Don’t feel bad.

Anyway, the winner of the Amazon gift card as chosen by is Marie! I’ll send you an email today.

38 responses to “Talking Dirty

  1. OMG, ABBY! This is sooo funny!

    While I don’t garden, or plant flowers, or ever take trips to Home Depot – because I cannot be trusted to care for any kind of plant life – I am HYSTERICAL LAUGHING over this post!

    “Where my hose at?” – AHhahahahahhahaha

    And yes, like you, I am often drunk on allergy medications.

  2. I tried the on-the-boat garden. Will it shock you to find out it didn’t work? The air is too salty, I guess. I’m sure the frequent total tilts and randomly being thrown around didn’t help. Even the bamboo died!

    Loved your play on words throughout this post. (It did help that I won the gift card, but then again maybe I’m just high on MY allergy medication, which is honey from local pollen. It works) That and YAY ME!

  3. freespirit424

    You are way to funny! It amazes me as I read these blogs how professional all the writers are. The only thing I’ve ever written was Ministerial Briefing Notes when I worked for Government. I love things that make me laugh and your blog does just that! Thanks

  4. “Where my hose at?” ha. I’m going to find a way to work yhis into everyday conversation.

  5. Pure genius as you already, no doubt, know, but my fave is: “as brilliance cannot be wasted on those who can’t till it like it is.” A must read for anyone with a sense of humor and penchant, like me, for ridiculous puns.

  6. loving the puns. nailed it 🙂

  7. Right Abbey. This is runaway brilliant, and I am going to read it all over again before I close this page, but I must just leave a brief comment about the gnomes. From the look of them, I feel they understand something I don’t.

  8. This cracked me up! And I sure wish you’d come pull weeds in my garden–I loathe that task…

  9. Where my hose at?!!? Love it. Can’t wait to embarrass Boyfriend at Lowes…

  10. I once did a whole series of Home Depot parody ads because it’s really just that easy. WANT NUTS? Sure you do.

  11. Ha! That was a great series of puns. This post makes me want to find a reason to drag my boyfriend to Home Depot, “okay honey, you go get some nuts, I’ll be over here looking at the screws”. Too funny.

    Survive Reality, Live the Dream

  12. OMG! This is sooo funny! But then we wouldn’t expect anything less, eh? Eh?
    I’m not a gardener – I like to think I work in plant hospice – but I totally understand what you mean about going to Home Depot. Or Lowe’s. Or any home improvement-y stores.
    And yes… Hey, cottonwoods? If you could ease up a little bit, my sinuses would REALLY appreciate it.

    • “Plant hospice” is quite possibly the best thing I’ve heard of today. And good lord. With all the fuzzies, it looks like it’s snowing. NOT COOL.

  13. Absolutely love, love, love. Where in the world did you come up with all these? Amazing brain. Wow. Thank you. I think I need to read it again to make sure I caught them all.

  14. You have a gift, my friend. Also, is that your for real back yard?!? Please stop publishing these pics – I’ve been telling everyone my yard is crappy because of the Michigan weather, and you’re contradicting my complicated web of lawn lies.

    But you’re still one of my favorite hose.

  15. Awesome. We all spend our days trying to come up with brilliant, layered humor and in the end, the humble puns SLAY! 🙂

  16. I will never, ever be able to walk into another home improvement center without wanting to shout out “where my hose at?!” that was brilliant. LOL

  17. Hi Abby! Terry (above) just turned me on to you and I likey! We could be soul sistsa’s or at least have a few gardening issues in common. I also can quickly size someone up at the Big Box Home & Garden store. Any woman in heels is there to pick-up something for her mother who will then gift it to her younger sister (with the family) and the “aren’t I an amazing Grandmother” tagline. Any man in a suit has been threatened with divorce. People with dirt/paint/smell are actually finishing SOMETHING INTERESTING. And anyone in the garden supply department rocks- sometimes literally dragging bags full. So there you have it! Now I’ve got to follow!!!!

  18. stephanieliselamoureux

    I always wanted an Herb Garden, but living in a condo high-rise has left me Basil-less, unless I just have potted plants on my cement balcony. Facing North doesn’t help either. I think your garden is beautiful and I love the gnomes! They come in all shapes and sizes (as my mother in law tells), she has a couple of wacky looking ones in her garden *lol Cheers to a beautiful summer!

  19. Hysterical! Thanks for making me laugh today. 😀

  20. Damn, you are punny (wink, wink). I love it and laughed the whole way through.

  21. Wow. That was some serious punnage. I’m jealous. Nice work…and do you hold workshops? 🙂

    • I hadn’t thought about it, but perhaps I could be talked into it! As long as I didn’t have to wear makeup. Or travel. Or actually be expected to attract a male suitor.

  22. nataliedeyoung

    How do you do it? How do you generate so many puns???
    You’re kind of my hero.

  23. And here no one at my house laughs anymore except me when my husband wants to get the hose out, or the hoes out when doing yardwork…

    You just officially made my coolest people ever list. I mean, you were already pretty high up on my cool people list, and then you made all of those puns (says the person who gets at least one hit a day on her blog for poo puns).

    Thanks for linking up to the Humor Me Blog Hop. Please come back for more next week! (I’m not begging or anything).

    • Wow! I made a list of GOOD things for once, so go me! Thanks for stopping by and your kind words. No need to beg either. I love funny things, so if I remember, I’ll be back!

  24. If that kind of sexy talk doesn’t get you any action, then I don’t know what will. You’ll probably also want to get a friendly garden gnome from -they flip the bird to passers-by.

  25. I’m always looking for new pickup lines. This is brilliant.

  26. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:

  27. Your little garden is so cute!

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