I’ve made no secret of the fact that despite my best intentions, I’m not a cat person but still own a cat because I don’t always make good decisions.
But my hairy little roommate is stuck with me (and vice versa) until we put her cold dead body in a sweater and bury her in the backyard (not vice versa, as I can’t see her using a shovel with any degree of dexterity.)
And while she might be cute and sweet and blah, blah, blah, she’s also not pulling her weight. The other day she spent 10 minutes watching me try and capture a freaking fly before rolling her eyes, opening up the slider and simply shooing it out.
This is what I have to live with.
I guess I really can’t blame her. Her days are spent lounging in luxury without a care in the world — or at least that’s how it would seem.
A Day In the Life
Wait outside bedroom door for human to rise. Marvel that she survives on less than 22 hours of sleep.
Trip her going down the stairs. (Pro tip: Be careful. It doesn’t do any good to trip them if they fall on top of you. Food will be delayed.)
Act like I haven’t had food in three days, sniff bowl, walk away.
While she showers, find the one thing she doesn’t want me to lie on and lie on it until she’s done.
Trip her going up the stairs.
THE NOISE! THE NOISE! SHE’S USING THE HAIRDRYER AGAIN! MUST SEEK SHELTER!
Trip her going down the stairs.
Once she’s at work, lie on the bed that I’m not supposed to go on.
Somehow find a way to eat straw from the fake tree even though she’s attempted to stop this by covering it with a towel and packing tape. It’s like she doesn’t want me to have any fun.
Puke up straw from the fake tree. Shrug. Sleep. Repeat.
SHE’S HOME! SHE’S HOME!
In moment of weakness, allow myself to be picked up for 2.5 seconds. Feel cheap. Run away.
Pretend to like new toy filled with catnip for 1.3 seconds before playing with a piece of rice that was dropped on the floor.
Strategically place death toy in anticipated path of human so she steps on it, letting out all of the catnip and colorful language.
Watch her clean out my shit box. Gaze at her in a way that implies, “More enthusiasm, and with a smile. You missed a spot.”
OH MY GOD THE VACUUM IS ON AND IT’S LIKE SHE’S TRYING TO SUCK OUT MY SOUL!!!
Where are my drugs? Must find my drugs!!!
Feel catnip buzz wear off and crave treats. Roll on back and implement “teats for treats” campaign in front of treat stash until she caves.
Sucker.
Run from sun room to the kitchen 74 times for no apparent reason.
Wait until she’s settled on the couch before staring into empty fireplace in a way that convinces her there are ghosts taking up residence.
ALERT! ALERT! THERE’S THE RED LASER LIGHT AGAIN! MAYBE THERE ARE REALLY GHOSTS!
Try like hell to catch the red dot for 4 seconds before resuming the staring contest with my reflection in the glass fireplace doors.
I am beautiful. Another clear indication that this woman is not my real mother.
Wait until she’s ready to go to bed and resume my wind sprints throughout the house.
Go find that bowl full of food. I need to make sure she feels useful. Plus, I need energy to do it all over tomorrow.
Like the blog? Buy the NEW book!
(It already has a few 5-star ratings, so you should probably succumb to peer pressure and give it a go.)
Abby Has Issues 
Well I hope you’re not feeding her asparagus. I’d sit on all the wrong things too if you fed me nothing but asparagus. 🙂
Please. Like I would waste my precious asparagus on the cat?
I have to admit I am a cat lover, and a dog lover, and partial to ducks, geese and goats so anything which makes your friend happy is good by me
I love ducks and goats! However, they are not allowed in the house. Life is unfair.
Aaah, I’m not a cat person really, but this was SO funny! They are very clever like that!
I’m not a cat person either. Luckily she’s a people person.
Hehehhe what a pretty kitty! And a stinker. Does she try to drink out of your water/wine cup? *shudder*
Well, I don’t drink wine and she has her own water, so we’re good there.
Well, I don’t understand the first part of what you said, but I’m glad she’s not a water stealer!
😛
This sounds exactly like my cat! He loved doing that random thing where he ran between all rooms of the house like a weirdo. And he hated the hairdryer!
A few years ago I totally would not have got this (although I still would have giggled because you are hilarious) but now that I have a cat? I’m taking notes. This: “Gaze at her in a way that implies, “More enthusiasm, and with a smile. You missed a spot.”” is SO TRUE! I hate that smug little look she gives me while she watches me scoop her crap like I’m panning for gold. I love you. (You as in Abby. Although I do love my cat too. Don’t tell her though. She already has a big head.)
I was JUST thinking about how it’s like panning for really crappy gold when I was picking it out the other day. It didn’t make it any more fun, but still…
She is pretty. Lol. Cats are such evil beasts, and yet we still love them. I can’t explain it.
I think your cat is a dog! Or maybe my Mini is a cat in disguise. She does all of these things on a regular basis. Especially the ‘lets trip mommy’ and ‘show our belly for treats’…sometimes I think they are smarter than we humans
I’ve learned from this post that you vacuum considerably more often than I do. I’m sure this is unimpressive to your cat, but I admire your daily diligence.
After reading this hilarious post, I was reminded of one of my own cat’s eccentricities as I tried to make breakfast. She chose that time, as she often does, to meow pathetically the entire time I cooked, even though she’d already been given a treat ten minutes prior. Either she suffers from short term memory loss or she’s learned to strike when I’m weak. 🙂
Monie will literally lie in front of the fridge, as she knows that’s where I’m probably headed.
Ha! That was a great post, it really made me laugh. I am a cat person, and those are all things I’ve dealt with at one time or another, or all at once. My boyfriend swears after midnight his new kitten, Loki, goes completely ape****. She claws and bites at his feet, then does multiple high speed loops where she runs under the bed, climbs up between the wall and his bed, jumps on him, then off to do it again. They spent the night at my place this past weekend and she ran around a little, but for the most part slept like a little angel on the pillows all night. He was totally baffled, I told him she must do that special for her daddy…Cats are like people I suppose, they only bother to annoy and play tricks on the people they really care for. 😉
-SR
Survive Reality, Live the Dream
What was that saying again? Oh yeah, dogs have masters, cats have staff. Or is it slaves?
Luckily, your master waits outside the bedroom for you to wake up. Not like my evil one who prefers to wake me up at 5:30 am by sticking her claws up my nostrils.
That’s why I shut the door. Otherwise I would be screwed (we have a “no going on the bed” policy when I’m around.)
she’s adorable
We have two cats and a dog. Basically, the dog and younger cat (both boys) wait for the older cat, Monki, a female, to wake up and tell them what to do. She weighs 9 lbs but seem to always be the 900 pound gorilla in the room.
Totally true. Totally hilarious
Coming from you, that’s a huge compliment!
I love your kitty!
She looks JUST LIKE my aunt’s cat Chleo. That is insane. I tried becoming a dog person but I’m bound to be a cat person for the rest of my life.
I’m a terrible cat mom. My roommate loved the cat so took her when we moved apart. I just hated that darn litter box!
I’ve always been a cat person and I do own a cat. Recent events have made me want to buy a dog, I haven’t yet, reading this has made me think twice —- bad decision??? Maybe?. Adorable picture of your cat at the end there! ‘Awwwww… how cute, yes you are’……yes cat people baby talk about cats! *giggles….. great blog as always! Cheers 🙂
You have such insight into the kitty psyche. It’s amazing. Particularly love how the cat marvels that ppl survive on less than 22 hours of sleep & “allow myself to be picked up for 2.5 seconds. Feel cheap. Run away.” I’m new to kitty ownership, & I, too, may have made a bad decision b/c my kitty keeps getting shit all over her butt fur & refuses to let us get it off. But I’m weak & my kids beat me into submission.
You have kids, so THEY should be wiping the shit, no? 😉
One would think. Unfortunately, that’s not how kids work. Kids are kinda like kitties themselves. They mostly like to lay around & you have to catch them to get them to do anything.
I’m not a pet person, at all. My husband is, and we have two outdoor cats, which is probably the perfect balance of pet ownership for the both of us. I do agree that cats are extremely beautiful creatures, though!
Like I said, I’m not a “have your own pet” person like I thought I was. I love animals, but maybe not always as a tenant. However, I could do worse 😉
I admit I am more of a dog person, but your cat’s personality cracks me up. It’s like you, in cat form. I expect a guest blog soon.
Ooooeeeemgeeee you’re so funny! I so needed this. FYI though: My cat is smarter than any of my kids, so I totally get how your cat’s mind works. It’s pure evil brilliance. Wait till she takes over the world awaiting a ransom of….One million dollars ~cue evil catty laughter~
Nice. Nice to know what they’re thinking. Have you ever read Patricia Cornwell’s Southern Cross? Her cat is some ancient goddess planning the demise of all humans or something like that. Sounds like she would get along with your cat.
I’ve always said that when I die I want to come back as my cat. What a life she leads.
I love your cat. She is beautiful. I am a cat person, but I’m married to an allergic, asthmatic person. Boo for me. The cat personality is my all-time favorite because I wish I were more like them – conceited, carefree, and damned smart. Great writing and funny as all get out.
I firmly believe this is what my cat would think, if he weren’t too lazy to think.
The puking up stars, the feeling cheap and running away and the staring contest in the fireplace all made me laugh out loud. I had a cat very similar to yours until she was overtaken by a coyote two years ago. Poor thing.
This sounds familiar. My cat always sits on my keys when I really need to leave and can’t find them.
I always ask my dogs when I get home why they haven’t vacuumed or done the laundry. They’ve just been laying around. I know they’re bored. I could really use some help.
Just discovered your blog (courtesy of Charlotte). Loved it! I have three cat, with three completely different personalities. They all do things like you describe at different times. They can be so entertaining.
when I woke up yesterday morning, after sweetly saying good morning to the stripey beast to distract him from the fact that I was shoving him out of my way with my foot, I stumbled into the bathroom for a DAFUQ? moment. It took me a moment to realize that the beautiful purple spirograph design on my bathroom floor was not a mandala that I drew in my sleep but in fact my nail polish (because once he realizes he’s locked out of the room at night he likes to fling them off the countertops). When reaching for the papertowels to start the clean up, I found them in a shredded pile on the kitchen floor with a few pieces of food and a toy like it was a nest building exercise. Is it stereotyping to say that all cats are alike, and mostly a$$holes…?
Gah! I would sleep with one eye open, my friend.
I adore cats. 🙂 My parents used to tell me I was too much like our feline friends. Funny, my husband has accused me of it, too. Especially the part about allowing others to touch me for a nano second. 🙂
Thank you for the laugh! And for linking up with the Humor Me! Blog Hop!!! 🙂
Clearly, she needs a friend. I suggest a Chihuahua. 😉
As a rule, I’m not particularly fond of cats. And this has reinforced my sentiments. 100 times over.
Okay, so I’m just now discovering you. My life was so empty until now…
Anyway, this is brilliant. I’m so coming back for more.
Well I can guarantee that I will fill that emptiness with random crap and posts that will most likely make you feel normal. Welcome aboard!
Ok, you lured me over here with promises of mediocrity, and then you go and release “teats for treats” on my unsuspecting ass, and there I go giggling and feeling wholey unworthy again. Damn you. :p
You should be THANKING me because now you have all weekend to implement “teats for treats” into your plans.
OMgosh,
I looooove that big fat cat!!
Don’t tell her that as she may develop poor body image.
Our cats should hang out because they have an awful lot in common. My youngest (yes I have more than one; total sucker) waits for me to get out of the shower every day. I always find him right there with his front paws folded in what some might say as an adorable way, but I picture Mr. Burns with his hands clasped, plotting deviously and saying “Excellent.”
I am totally in love with your cat now!!
Would you like to buy a cat?
I wouldn’t count on the cat not being able to have you buried…..They usually find a way to get what they want in all things. Just sayin’
You nailed the cat personality completely. I’m more of a dog person myself, but inherited my cat. I do love her but she is the queen of the roost. She used to sit outside my bedroom door and yowl until I got up, until she realized that just made me stay in bed longer to out wait her. Now she just hounds me incessantly until I go to the kitchen and fill her dish (which isn’t empty, but because she can see the bottom of the bowl, she must be starving to death).
This is positively genius! I think it’s probably ridiculously accurate too. Love the photo on the bag and love the eating of the straw. My favorite line is about watching you clean out the shit box. Hi-larious!
Yeah. Eating the straw and puking it up despite me putting towel over the straw is hilarious! (Sarcasm font) 😉
Neither am I a cat person, yet I find myself with a cat. For 15 years. She is much like your cat, however whenever she poops in the cat box, she shoots out of it with superfast rocket runawayfromallevil light speed spreading litter all over the bathroom and lands under the couch, claws extended ready to fight off an evil aggressor. Cute for awhile, annoying when friends are over and demand an explanation for the insanity.
Love this!! I have cats so I can soooo sympathize with you 🙂
OMG, “Feel cheap. Run away.” You are absolute genius! Thank you!