Thank you for you interest in becoming my editorial intern. I realize this is a slightly unconventional position, but I need help with some things and you need the college credit, so it’s really a win-win!
Now let’s get this interview started.
Before my illustrious career as an editor for employment and blogger for enjoyment, I was an intern myself. Twice!
My experiences were the semester before I graduated from college. I moved to the mystical city of Detroit for six months to be a Publishing/New Media intern for the Detroit Red Wings. Being a HUGE puck head myself, it was pretty much an awesome experience.
I was Editorial Assistant for this hardcover publication. Cool book.
When I returned I was a Media Relations intern for the professional minor league hockey team in my home town. Neither of these positions paid, so working 40 hours a week for no money was a great way to prepare me for my future career as a writer.
This is where I should mention that this position doesn’t pay either, at least monetarily, but the experience will be priceless.
I spent my intern days compiling 4,000 trivia questions about hockey (not an exaggeration), running stats to scouts and stuffing sub sandwiches into rockets to be launched into the seats during games, but my intern will be doing more practical things.
As a mentor, I want to help you live the life of a successful writer so you might one day do your online shopping using the “Price High to Low” option instead of the other way around.
We all need to have goals.
I’m sure they taught you all the “book” things about writing you think you’ll need in the real world, but writing only gets you so far. The rules have changed and it’s actually much less about what you write than the things you do before and after you write.
So I will prepare you for the real world by asking you do a lot of work in order for me to reap the rewards and become successful without giving you very much credit. But again, great for the résumé!
Expected Duties
If you want to “go viral,” just writing something of quality won’t get you anywhere. So my intern will focus on deciphering electronic ebonics—LMAO, SMH, etc.— composing ridiculous lists for Buzzfeed and creating a new Internet sensation/meme that involves a moody cat wearing clothes. It can also be another small mammal, but cats seem to be a big hit.
During the summer months you’re required to mow my lawn at least once a week. There is no additional compensation for this, but I promise to look out the window and give you a “thumbs up.”
Some of my followers forget to retweet everything I’ve ever tweeted, which is weird, so you’re required to retweet and “like” everything that I post on social media. If we’re together in person, simply ring a little bell every time I crack a joke.
If (when) you notice I have food in my hair or on my shirt, please let me know. I hate to see food go to waste.
Answer the phone with, “Can I take your order?” instead of “hello” to see if it helps to sell books. Also walk around the city reading passages out loud, laugh and suggest that they all buy the books.
Every Sunday you have to come over, brush my hair and yell at squirrels with me because it’s Sunday and we all need to unwind. YOLO! (See? I’m already using electronic ebonics — this is your first test.)
So as you can see, the experience will be invaluable and guarantees you probably might be able to get a semi-decent job five to 10 years after the completion of your education.
By the way, do you do toilets?
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Abby Has Issues 
We did speak to the Squirrels today and it is Sunday, but we did not yell because we love them so. Will this do?
The thumbs up for mowing the lawn really got me. Good writing is way overrated too. I just want the top 128 ways to overcome my fear of failure and success. Both are apparently very bad.
I agree writing something of quality won’t get you anywhere, at least on it’s own, but I suppose trying to write something of quality is better than not bothering. Marketing is quite a different skill to marketing. I’ve learnt that the hard way
Of course it is. But sarcasm is one of the things my intern must learn first.
I actually had an employee once (before I was married) that I had come over and mow my lawn shirtless. I sat on the porch with a cool drink and watched him. It was about as close to being in a smutty book as I’ve ever come.
You have just become my queen…
THAT’S what I’m missing – an intern! I’d get them to ring that bell every time I tell a joke, and then I could train my family to laugh whenever they heard the bell. Because right now they must not be able to tell I’m kidding. Yeah, I’m sure that’s it.
Feedly is a good sub for Google, too.
Wondering if I could train my kids to ring that bell …. worth looking into!! I better get them both on Twitter asap!!
Abby, I have only mowed one lawn in my life, and it was as a joke, but I am great with hair or food of any kind on the shirt. Just ask CJ, he is probably on the lookout for a lint remover that can fit in his purse – just to shut me up!
I do love the reading the book out loud and laughing idea. I think we can get you some Houston sales!
“you’re required to retweet and “like” everything that I post on social media.”
Hey, I already DO that! I guess I’m hired now!
You’re right, which means I need to give you a serious raise. I DO appreciate all that you do 🙂
Did I miss the apply here button? I don’t do lawns however, I have three teenage boys that are my minions for all things that require physical labor. I have earned accolades in hair brushing after raising several girls who all kept their hair despite their banshee screaming to the contrary. I will easily be able to keep up with all of your social media needs. My husband will vouch for my inability to leave my phone alone for more than a few minutes. No need for me to get my own writing gig as I could obviously never be quite as entertaining as you.
New media intern for the Detroit Red Wings? Wow, you are like a rock star. I’d be happy to mow your lawn — as long as it isn’t with one of those push mowers ’cause those really suck.
PS: Did you get to meet Zetterberg and the rest of the boys?
Trust me that it wasn’t as glamorous as it sounds. At all. But I did get to meet a few players (it was off-season). It was 10 years ago though, so a whole different crew. Back in GR though I was around players like Hudler, Kopecki, Kronwall, etc. every game, which was cool when they got moved up.
And despite all the yelling, squirrels are lining up for the job. (They are already used to your yelling – so inside track!)
I have tried to comment on this post about 80 times this morning. I don’t know whyyyyy it won’t let me! Argh!
hahaha I’m tempted to take that job, just to be able to dress up your cat. Sounds like the PEFECT internship for you!
I would LOVE to have an intern just for my social media gobbeldy gook. At first, I folded and got a Twitter b/c “Hey, it won’t suppress any posts like Fartbook” but the never-ending overflowing river of Twitter has me caught in the current, barely able to breath. Need me some LISTS. So does FB and I started a Tumblr and did noting else. Seems like a perfect intern job!
Yeah, I don’t understand Twitter and just scroll and post whatever whenever. No lists, no groups, no hassle! I also limit myself to only Facebook and Twitter. It’s all I have the attention span/time/patience for and minimizes my chances of being rejected and ignored 😉
Ahahahaha! I need an intern too. I would add babysitting to my list – they would love it! I like that retweet idea. That would be the first thing I’d train them in.
I need an intern, too. I tried to hire my teenage daughter because she helps me with my book covers. But that smarty pants wants stuff like money, and credit, and exposure…boo hoo hoo…
I think you should hire ME! You’re much busier and a much bigger deal and we can talk baseball when we’re not angsty writer types.
So true: “If you want to “go viral,” just writing something of quality won’t get you anywhere.” Also loved the moody cat meme – you can’t go wrong!
Good luck with the intern! I was an intern right out of college working 60 hours a week for a talent manager in Los Angeles. I visited her website a few months ago after her name came up in conversation, and I saw that she’s still recruiting more of them. Lucky for her there’s no shortage of actor hopefuls in Southern California hoping for a pathway to their big break. At least I didn’t have to do toilets! But her furnace did blow up on me once, burning my eyebrows and eyelashes… Maybe the toilets would have been an improvement.
Tell your intern he doesn’t have to take my order. I already placed my order for your book on Amazon. I’m getting the print copy, and so I’ll have to wait a few days. Looking forward to it!
Now why the hell didn’t I think of this! Totally stealing this idea and getting an intern for all the grunt work! 🙂 Thank you for linking up with the Humor Me! Blog Hop! 🙂
I lost my concentration after I read about the cannon that shoots sub sandwiches. What a delicious war those would make.
I could use an intern or two or seven. I chuckled all the way through this. Dammit Abby, I think WordPress is cheating me-I don’t think your posts are showing up in my reader. Would you mind having your intern send me a reminder every time you have a new post, pretty please? I’d slip him or her a few shiny pennies (I polish them myself.) So glad you hooked up to the Humor Me Blog Hop!
You can sign up via email or follow me on Facebook or Twitter. I pimp out my posts once or twice on those things as well 🙂
Between Facebook being an ass and me being too ADD for Twitter, I guess email is my only hope, huh? 😉
I will mow your lawn (no thumbs up required), but I draw the line at toilets. Please feel free (and by feel free I mean do it) to retweet this message. Oh shit, I’m not on twitter. Now what?