Welcome to Part 2 in the “Ask Abby Anything” series that makes me feel selfish but that I’m writing because I am a WARRIOR who will do anything to make you people happy. Plus, it’s a holiday week when nobody’s on the Internet so I’m less insecure about such a self-involved post.
So without further ado—nobody likes too much ado—here is Part 2.
“How is it you’re single? I don’t swing that way, but I do like your warped and twisted sense of humor.”
Yes, I take “warped and twisted sense of humor” as a compliment, which might be why I’m single. Or I’m single because I don’t date. I think that’s kind of how things work. There’s a long history of things that have lead up to this decision, but it boils down to the fact that I’m totally okay on my own.
I wouldn’t completely dismiss the possibility of dating a bit. However, I don’t put much effort into it, so unless this suitor comes to my door selling avocados, I’m pretty much destined for spinsterhood.
“How did you decide on your comfy couch?”
As you probably know, my couch gets me. We spend our weekends and weeknights together. There’s nothing I look forward to more than hanging out with some snacks and reading, writing or watching TV (see “Why are you single?” above.)
When I bought my house I found this one at the second store I went to. It matched my new paint, the ends reclined with foot things that came out and the price was right. My thinking was that if it was what I liked, there was no point in searching for something better—even though now it’s covered in a blanket to protect it from hairballs.
“Do you have a favorite hummus recipe that you use?”
Yes, it’s really super easy. I get in my car and go to the store, locate the Wild Garden hummus and bring it home to live in my fridge until I stuff it in my face. It’s organic and has only a few ingredients but a bite that I really enjoy (warning though—the jalapeno flavor is WAY spicy.) I thin it a little with water and use it as a dressing for salads a lot.
“Can you ride a unicycle?”
I’ve never actually tried a unicycle, but I rode into both my mom’s rosebushes and a fire hydrant when learning to ride a 2-wheeler and my coordination hasn’t greatly improved from that point, so I’m going to assume that I can’t. (Although maybe I should try—blog fodder!)
But I can still do the splits all three ways and carry 8 bottles of beer at one time (skills mastered while working as a cocktail waitress—don’t ask.) I have talent.
“People keep telling me that when I stop looking for a partner, that is when I will find him. Is this true? If it is true, how does one stop looking?”
I’m no expert (see above) but I never understood people obsessed with finding a husband. Live your own life, create your own happiness and your energy will draw in people who are meant to be in your life.
I might liken it to trying to remember the name of something you forgot. The harder you try and think of it, the slimmer the chance of it popping into your brain. Then one minute you’re in the shower and “BAM!” it comes to you. (Not that a husband is going to appear for you in the shower, but you get my point. I hope. If a husband DOES all the sudden appear for you in the shower, don’t drop the soap. Unless you’re into that kind of thing.)
“Worst job you’ve had?”
I’ve had some crappy jobs, but I would say it was working at a video store in high school. The video cases themselves were always dirty and gross, as were some of the people that came in there for porn. My supervisor was a 40-year-old guy who still lived at home and giggled when saying “Adult Video.”
We were required to wear a white dress shirt, black pants and a necktie. Yes, a tie. Not only was the tie not fashionable for a female, it also wasn’t practical when I had to clean the popcorn maker—scraping out the burned-on artificial butter and caramel syrup while practically hanging myself with the tie.
Eventually smelling like burned popcorn every day and being told I had to work every holiday and holiday eve, I started to want to purposely hang myself with the tie and quit.
“Where can I buy your books?”
OK. No one asked that, but you can get read about them here and we can wrap up this ridiculously long post. Now I’m going to ask the five people on the Internet this week to entertain me:
Worst job you’ve had?
Abby Has Issues 
When I was 14, I worked in a dog kennel.
I basically picked up shit all day long.
I also continuously freaked out because I was (still am) scared of dogs.
My worst job was also my best job. I worked at JoAnn Fabrics. Best job because I love to sew and craft, worst job because I could never seem to get my salary out of the store except in the form of piles of fabric and craft items.
You leave me in stitches with your posts Abby,that can’t be good for my frown lines, hahahaha.
My worst job was my first job.During holidays in between my Accounting degree, a cousin of mine hooked me up with a job at a cosmetic shop owned by her Indian friends….Damn slave drivers.Everything was cool, even mopping the floors, except that I had to be on my feet the entire day, even when customers weren’t there…..I quite after 2 days, without even picking my salry for the two days.
Working at kiddie summer camp was my worst job, and I had lotsa shitty jobs, believe me. My husband thinks you are really funny and adorable, and he thinks the same of me for some odd reason…I was SURE I’d be single forever, so maybe he has a twin somewhere who is perfect for you. xoxo
And now I love your husband even more, which means we need to get on this “sister wife” thing in which there is no sexual element but simply sitting around on the couch watching sports. I do the cleaning and play with the kids while you ghost write things for my blog. Deal? Deal.
I worked at a pizza joint for one day in college. There were flies on the mountain of breadsticks in the kitchen, and I thought about quitting. But the clincher was when my “trainer” cleaned the bathroom floor with Pine Sol and then stocked the salad bar – without washing her hands. Um. nooooo. I never went back. P.S. I covet your couch.
Oh good lord. I worked at an Italian “food fast” establishment in high school too, but nothing that grotesque. It made me twitchy just reading your comment.
Waitressing!!! Without. A. Doubt!!! It was back in the dark ages, when customers, particularly of the male persuasion, thought nothing of grabbing you from behind and treating you to whisker burn from an unshaven face. Crude, but what does one expect from NYS’s number one, favorite boxing hero, of NY’s Boxing Hall of Fame. Disgusting. I was 16, same age as one of his god daughters. We were even high school classmates–the god daughter, not the boxer!!! He was my father’s age, even knew my father. Sixteen years later I had my Bachelor’s Degree (strange name, isn’t it?!), turned in my apron, my pen, and my check pad, and never waited table again!!!
Oh yes. I have more than my share of waitressing jobs, including being a cocktail server when I was 21. Needless to say, I had my fair share of weirdos. But then again…cash 😉
And that jingle of cash in my pocket was what kept me going through waitress hell… 😉
Your being able to do the splits three ways makes it even more of a mystery why you’re single. 😉 When that guy comes to your door selling avocados, it’s gonna be love at first sight (if you answer the door doing the splits, which… might not be feasible). Seriously, I love your take on life: be comfortable with yourself and being by yourself and live your life.
Worst job? My career… TV news producing. It was stressful hell. I never got enough sleep, I was never NOT working, and my boss had a screw loose. Not good combinations.
Yikes. I have to admit that my career isn’t my favorite job either, but it has more to do with the line of work itself and not the people or lack of sleep. If it took away my sleep, that’s a deal breaker. I LOVE sleep entirely too much 😉
You can do the splits and no guy has come to your door selling avocados yet? Whhhhhhhaaaaaatttt???
Psh. I know. Life is unfair. I want free avocados.
Couches are very selective about who gets them. Some will shred, rip their seams, or pull their stuffing out if unhappy. So nice you understand and have kindly tucked a blanket around it to keep it warm as it ages….it will never desert you.
Sure. Let’s pretend that’s why I do it and not to protect it from cat vomit. That sounds much better, no?
I’ve had plenty of horrible jobs, most of which i quit after a short time. my worst was my first; Howdy’ s Hamburgers, where I had to wear a short bright orange polyester dress uniform and say “Howdy can I help You?” to every customer that walked in the door. Mostly, me and the short order cooks went in the basement and smoked pot.
Are they hiring?
That job was thirty years ago! Since then I’ve had plenty of ‘interesting’ jobs. My friends think I should write a book, called “Tales of the Underemployed”.
I was going to say that I love that I’m one of the five, except 18 others have commented, so although I’m happy for you, I am THAT competitive that top 5 was a mission. But I’m with the first person who asked about you being single…although, after being married twice, I now wish my couch was my only commitment, I do think you are so very pretty and your wit is am extreme turn on….you know…if I swung that way too.
Where can I buy your books? Hahaha! I’m surprised nobody has asked you that, now come on!
I cannot think of what job could qualify as worst job. I’ve been extremely lucky in work and always found amazing stuff people were willing to see me do! Its probably because I can ride a unicycle… ;p
Anybody seen any dream men at Subway? I hear they have avocado there.
They do? You would never know that by their lack of advertising 😉
All fabulous replies, but the hummus reply made my stomach hurt. Well done;)
working at a dog kennel also – actually it was just the kennel of a breeder who showed a great deal. while I can’t remember anything improper happening, I remember being very uncomfortable in his presence. Granted a piece of that could of been my young age and something I would “listen” to much closer now. and the dogs were not particularly in “nice” ……
off to check out that hummus link.
I’ve had many terrible jobs but one of the most notable was as a cook at a strip club. I won’t bother with the details. Love the blog!
What? You can’t just drop that little bit of info in and not give details. If you blog about it, send me the link. I’m nosy 😉
Hah! Will do.
You always make me smile. Full of useful tips as always. Making your home made hummus at the store is a keeper. I shall employ that tip immediately.
Abby, while I am no relationship expert, I did kiss a lot of toads before I found my prince. He was not in my shower. He was playing darts and drinking beers with his buddies, and he stuck with me even after hearing I was done with men forever. I think you are sooooo right about living your own life, creating your own happiness, and your energy bringing people to you. It’s true even after you get married. I’m lucky CJ didn’t kick my butt to the curb when I was ornery and unruly for ten years…which brings me to answering your question. Worst job? Teaching in a public school. It’s funny that I have this love-hate relationship with teaching. I love teaching, but I don’t like working in schools. It’s by far the most stressed I’ve ever been, and I believe the results on my physicals would be more in line with a 50 or 60 year old rather than the 30 year old I was.
As a product of public schools, I thank you and have no idea how you did it!
My worst job was a clerk at a cardiologist office. My best friend in high school’s father is one of the best cardiologists in our state. He needed a new clerk and I wasn’t on the boardwalk at that moment so I took the job. We had to wear white pants…I am not the type of girl that can wear white. I’m too rambunctious. I spent all day sitting at a desk answering phones, from either patients that were mad because I couldn’t refill their scripts without the Dr.’s okay, or get them an appt. same day. Everyone seemed upset in one way or another. Plus the office manager was a tool who told me when I requested an unpaid week off for our first family reunion to pick them or my job. Decision made, I handed in my notice the next day.
Maybe if people weren’t so rude and stressed out they would have as many heart problems. Hence, they could avoid dealing with a cardiologist clerk who WON’T JUST GIVE THEM DRUGS.
it is pretty much a rule (okay, yes it is an actual rule) that you cannot wear ties at Intel. they could get caught in something. random fact, that’s all.
I worked at Long John Silvers one summer in high school. I think I lasted 2 weeks.
I completely agree about the finding a partner thing – it does happen when you least expect it, when you are happily going about your own full life. same with that thing you cannot remember – I employ this trick far more often than I’d like to have to.
“but I never understood people obsessed with finding a husband”
Me either, Abby! Which might explain why I haven’t been on a single date in THREE YEARS!
Well, you’re still ahead of me!
HA! In college my husband worked at a video store and I worked at a movie theater, which was a dream for broke movie lovers cause we got so much free entertainment. But I’m also pretty sure they didn’t have a porn section – I would imagine that would definitely affect the quality of the job.
I was too young to go into the porn section to restock the movies. Thank god for small miracles, eh?
Oh, Lord, I didn’t even think of that. Shudder.
Eight bottles of beer? Your talents never cease to amaze me. By the way, if my Hubby and suddenly and shockingly decide to part ways, I’m totally stealing your couch. I think we’d get along great, although I would allow the felines onto said couch since its a great excuse to vacuum.
Chuck E Cheese. I was the smallest person working there, so I always got stuck playing “King Rat” for spoiled heathen birthday parties.