We’re in the middle of a heat wave in my area, which by definition means a week of temperatures above 90 degrees with humidity, no rain and a plethora of manic meteorologists taking delight in telling viewers the weather is miserable while they sit inside their air conditioned studios.
I only have one window AC unit, and while I hate feeling absolutely frozen and trudging through snow, I dislike extreme heat even more.
I guess I hate feeling cold and I hate feeling hot—so basically I just hate feeling.
Anyway, my brain is also fried for various reasons—all perfectly legal, mind you—and so this rant will serve double-duty. Like they say, when life hands you lemons, stick them in your bra so people believe you when you complain about boob sweat.
Hot and Bothered
DAY 1. What beautiful weather! Days like these are what get me through the long stretches of winter when I’m stuck scraping ice off my car. Well, minus this humidity. It’s getting a little bit thick.
DAY 2: It’s really heating up out there and no rain is predicted for days, so I should go out and water. However, it’s still nice to sleep with the windows open despite what sounds like a drunken domestic between chipmunks outside.
DAY 3: This isn’t fun anymore. The thermostat in my living room has reached 84 degrees and the birdbath has become a hot tub for small woodland creatures. I can’t crank up the pitiful AC unit even more. I should probably water. Again.
DAY 4: It’s hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. That is, if you’re into eating chicken excretions off of dirty pavement. Molesting my AC unit is starting to feel a bit awkward, but at least I have an excuse to not wash my hair and run around the house without pants. Considering renting out living room as Bikram yoga studio.
DAY 5: Up at 3 a.m. to go for a walk and mow the grass because it’s already 112 degrees by 6 a.m. Screw it. The grass isn’t growing anyway and if it spontaneously combusts, there’s a chance a hot firefighter will be called to the scene.
DAY 6: GOOD LORD, IT FEELS LIKE AN OVEN. The 5-foot walk from my door to the car soaks me in sweat and my yard is starting to turn brown. I should water. I should straddle the sprinkler and ignore all those looks from the neighbors. I should move to Alaska.
DAY 7: Still sweating. Still bitter. The trash in the garage smells like decaying rats and all I’ve put out there is an empty almond milk container and paper towel tube. WHY DOES MOTHER NATURE HATE ME?
DAY 8: I’m in hell. No, seriously. Between this heat and people saying, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity” and taking pictures of the thermostat on their car dashboard, I must be in hell.
DAY 9: Grocery shopping almost leads to a speeding ticket because I have to get home before the food that I bought melts in the car. I refuse to water the grass. Screw the flowers. In fact, screw nature.
DAY 10: The words “cold front” are used to describe something other than my mood and it’s finally in the low 80s. Relief might just be in sight, but my pants?
I make no promises there.
Before I go, two quick things. First, you have until Friday to enter my giveaway for $50 of cool Knock Knock stuff. Even if you don’t enter, the comments on that post are gold. You people are gold, I tell you!
Second, I’m honored to be part of another big HUGE giveaway with a bunch of other fabulous ladies.
As you can see, the loot includes six books, a gift card and other fancy (free) things. So in between sympathizing with me about the heat and entering my giveaway, head on over to Robyn’s at Hollow Tree Ventures and enter to win all the fabulous prizes.
Stay cool!
Abby Has Issues 
HA! I think we must live in the same “neck of the woods”. It’s supposed to be 106 today, humidity is through the roof, and our “cool down” was last night when the “low” was 84. And- the cicadas are obnoxiously mating right outside my window.
What is it about night lovin’ and insects? It’s like they’re into exhibitionism when the sun goes down and frankly, it’s getting quite rude. Then again, maybe the 80 degree temps at 1am are making me cranky.
I get suuuuper pissy if I’m sweating, especially at work. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU CAN TALK TO ME WHEN I’M HOT AND UNCOMFORTABLE?!?!? Damn entitled coworkers. Always wanting something.
We have the opposite problem. While I LOVE the air conditioning in this weather, it’s arctic in the office.
Thanks so much for agreeing to be part of the giveaway! And for writing this post – I’m feeling very Day 7 over here.
Thank YOU for including me!
I feel ya, we don’t have ANY a/c over here. During the wildfires we had to leave our windows open to get a breeze, but it was like we were camping the smoke was insidious!
GAH! I can’t imagine not even having one unit. The fans that I worship work okay, but are basically just blowing hot air (much like me.) Thanks for the perspective and stay cool!
So, I’m almost 7 months pregnant and I am carrying around an approximately 15lb sack of hotness around my gut. Fuck nature, Fuck this heat. And fuck everything else that doesn’t fall into either of those.
You have my sympathies. I was an August baby and my mom never lets me forget it…
The part about renting out your apartment as a Bikram yoga studio had me cackling. We’re at the “fuck nature” stage here, too. Especially since nature thinks our state is kindling.
I have a house and not an apartment, so only the living room is going to be available during this stretch 😉
“Like they say, when life hands you lemons, stick them in your bra so people believe you when you complain about boob sweat.” – That made me laugh out loud, for real.
It’s stupid hot over here too. Like check on an old person hot.
I just mowed the lawn in 100% heat & humidity, laid on the cool basement tiles for 10 minutes, waited a bit in the air conditioning, took a shower, and I’m STILL sopping my forehead every 5 minutes. Shower didn’t take.
Ugh. The heat is the worst. I’m praying the AC doesn’t give out like it did last summer, otherwise, you’ll probably look out in the yard and see me sitting in your birdbath.
The birdbath is basically just a cauldron of death for the birds at this point. Local cats are roasting them out on a rotisserie.
It’s been the same here! My poor husky is dying. DYING I TELL YOU. DYING.
NY was a meat locker 8 months of the year. Houston is sweat lodge for 8 months of the year. I’ll take Houston over NY, but right now San Diego is sounding pretty good. A fan is kinda like a joke around here in the summer.
A cold front = 88 degrees now. How ridiculous is that? But yeah, we are heading to the beach on Thursday. I may very well burst into flames if I walk out onto the beach. This trip may involve a lot of movies and trips to the outlets. All indoors. All air conditioned.
P.S. Maybe it’s just me, but it appears that the link to the above giveaway website isn’t working. Just thought I should mention.
GAH. She sent me the link before her post went live, so maybe that had something to do with it. Crap on a cracker. It’s fixed now. Thanks!
First we had the monsoons. I was gathering up the cats 2×2 even though my two can’t procreate. The wonderful herbs I bought never made it into the ground or planters because getting struck by lightening in exchange for fresh basil was a deal breaker. All the plants turned yellow and died. So, I bought more plants and did not get the memo on the heat wave this week. The new plants are now turning brown. I realize 100 degrees isn’t quite the barbecue pit most of you are in, but it’s still freaking hot.
That’s really freaking hot. Doesn’t weather stink most of the time? We can have 100 inches of snow in winter, tornado winds in fall/spring, 100 degrees in summer…so extreme, Michigan. So extreme.
I would have married that air conditioning unit by now.
We considered that, but I didn’t want it to seem like I was just using it to feel cool. If we can make it through this hell week until Saturday though, I think we can make it through anything.
Here in Cleveland (where nationally recognized comedians make jokes about having to wear all the all weather gear in a single day) we hit a record 19 days straight of rain coupled with ridiculous amounts of heat and humidity and everything smells like wet cardboard and your carpet feels squishy under your bare feet…huh…I thought I had something funny to say but apparently I’m just bitter my favorite season is being co-opted by the rain forest….
LOL! What a fantastic post. I’d rather be hot than cold and truthfully here in the Northeast we have only a month or so of complaining bout the heat so I try to just enjoy it!
Thanks for making me laugh.
It has rained so much this spring and summer that we will beat all rainfall records since it was kept as statistic in Georgia in 1879. In between the storms it’s over 90. So, it is swamp like conditions everyday.
Clean underwater and socks have never been more important.
I still don’t want your snow…ever
Well, we did have historic flooding this past spring, so we’re just breaking all kinds of records this year. Pretty much over it, but I know that we’re not alone. Still…AC would make me more pleasant. Or a nap.
I’ll take those…and more baseball (back tonight!)
Not for us. Tigers are off until Friday, at which point in time I’m hoping the heat warning will also be off as well. I miss baseball!
This is my life right now.
I had to sit in my car for an hour at the bus stop yesterday because it was late and stupid, and even with my AC BLOWING IN MY FACE FOR AN HOUR I had so much boob sweat and the back of my shirt was so completely soaked (and I have cushion seats, not leather) that I had to drink two bottles of water when I got home. TWO. I rarely ever even drink a whole one in a single day.
As always, I knew we had a lot of things in common. I too am whimpering in a heat wave, but without the benefit of any kind of air conditioning, apart from in the car. Should I sit in that all day. Not a bad idea. In stead I have a small fan which blows tepid air over my face all day. Is this paradise ?. Possibly not. You have my sympathy.
My boob sweat is legit and god awful. I’ve been tucking paper towels into the base of my bras to help ease the situation. It’s unnatural, I tell you, but I can’t think of another solution.
Brava…you’ve nailed it. Needing to have the a/c running 24/7, it gets so cold in here I have to put socks on my feet and wear a sweater…it’s all completely unnatural!