Where’s Waldo? Probably in Therapy

Patient Name: Harold, but goes by “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”

Session notes: Patient has possible abandonment issues due to lack of parental supervision after birth and has taken to “feeding his feelings” instead of working through them.

Requested he keep a food journal and how he felt at the time: 1 apple, 2 pears, 3 plums, 4 strawberries, 5 oranges, piece of chocolate cake, ice cream cone, pickle, slice of Swiss cheese, slice of salami, lollipop, piece of cherry pie, 1 sausage, cupcake, slice of watermelon, 1 green leaf. Said, “I felt hungry. I ate food. I felt better.”

Also made mention of wanting to curl up and hide for a couple of weeks, wishing he could emerge and be accepted for who he was—a colorful, sometimes flightly man with a love for Cher and the theater. Kept asking if I had any snacks.

Patient Name: Goldilocks

Session notes: Court-ordered session as part of breaking and entering charge. When asked about most recent incident, patient’s only comments were “Why do they have separate beds if all they really need is a Sleep Number?” and “Who the heck still eats porridge?”

Obvious entitlement and boundary issues laced with a bit of OCD—she tried out three different chairs in my office before settling into one.

Patient Name: Belle

Session notes: Possible delusional tendencies and troubling urges towards bestiality. Describes some of her best friends as household appliances that spend a majority of their time singing and dancing and refers to her boyfriend as a “beast.”

Came to therapy because of said relationship issues. Apparently conflict because money is tight and none of the dishes or household products actually work, as “a talking candlestick and chipped, chatty tea cup don’t do much more than provide an audience for our arguments about his hair in the sink and the fact that my dad won’t move out.”

Patient Name: Waldo

Session notes: Patient suffers from social anxiety disorder. Makes public appearances, but only discreetly surfaces in large crowds of people and insists on wearing the same clothes each day—thick, black-framed glasses, red and white striped shirt, red and white cap. Mysterious about his career and personal life and is paranoid that people are constantly looking for him.

Claims he wants to work through his urges to isolate so that he can pursue his dream of being a photographer for the local paper because he “feels more comfortable behind the camera.” Wants to attend Comic Con next year.

Patient Name: Snow White

Session notes: So many things with this one. If I am to believe her, a troubled family situation with an evil stepmom, a “witch” in her words, apparently drove her to break into the house of male midgets where she ate their food and fell asleep before waking up to accept a position as their unpaid friend with benefits. Follow this up with a necrophilia-driven boyfriend during a near-death experience and a shotgun wedding, and no wonder this chick needs some help.

Need to work on her co-dependency issues and need for approval from men.

*Note to self: Pitch her storyline for possible reality show. Crime, dwarfs, sex—throw in some cupcakes or a bacon element and it really can’t miss. Maybe “Dwarf Dynasty” or “Bachelorette” meets “Little People” Just working titles, of course.

**Another note to self: Reschedule “Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe” until she can find a babysitter. Remember to discuss contraception. This is getting ridiculous.

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34 responses to “Where’s Waldo? Probably in Therapy

  1. Reblogged this on Inside Teddy's head and commented:
    Brilliant blogger, rare and unique sense of humor. Love it!

  2. Ha! I forgot about Belle’s dad. I bet that did get awkward after a while.

  3. Perfect. What fun. Going to reblog.

  4. Reblogged this on The Curious Introvert and commented:
    This is just what the doctor ordered for a Monday morning.

  5. I need to become a celebrity shrink. With all their issues, these five patients alone could earn you enough for a new wing on your summer home.

  6. so funny! These are all close to my heart with young children but I LOVE the session with Harold. hilarious!

  7. YESSSS love it. In child psychology class in college we had to tear apart childrens movies and books and well…this was a funny way to do it!

  8. Great! It’s wild how in need of therapy the majority of our childhood story characters were!

  9. Pinocchio – Daddy issues and a wooden personality based around a Peter Pan complex of wanting to be “remain a boy forever”.

    Peter Pan – sociopathic personality disorder based around Pinocchio Syndrome of wanting to “be a real boy”.

  10. FUNNY!! One of your best!!

  11. Such a funny twist on old characters– very refreshing!

  12. Reblogged this on Death by Differential Equations and commented:
    Snicker. 🙂

  13. This is awesome! I can’t believe I haven’t been on your blog in a couple of weeks. It’s been too long. Love the working titles for the reality show. I’d go with number 1.

  14. This is brilliant. BRILLIANT, I say. The Belle one, especially, killed me. I can just imagine that all of these would be reality shows if they lived now. Wait . . . are today’s reality shows, tomorrow’s fairy tales? I just blew your mind, didn’t I? 😉

  15. You must be an amazing therapist. I have, in fact, a picture of Waldo in the middle of a large Comic-Con crowd at last year’s Dallas Comic Con.

  16. OMG. This is hysterical!! You only scratched the surface with the Disney characters. I’ve always thought of the Princesses as anorexics with daddy issues.

  17. Patient Name: Christopher Robin.

    Session Notes: Patient most likely suffers from some strange form of schizophrenia. Thinks his stuffed animals are real, all of which also seem to have odd behavioral disorders, such as an OCD rabbit, an ADD tiger (who bounces everywhere) and an extremely phobic pig.

    Further investigation may be required.

  18. Crime, Dwarfs, Sex…Sorry girl it’s been done: Jersey Shore!

  19. Bahhaaahaa! Love it. I’m a counsellor and I love your diagnosis. Especially Belle.

  20. This is one of those times when I slap myself in the head and say “WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THIS?” You are brilliant, woman!

    You also get the prize of being the first blog I read for this week’s Humor Me Blog Hop! I love starting out with a ROFL! Thanks so much for linking up this week, Abby!

  21. Such a fun perspective on these stories — kinda funny what we take for granted as normal in these classics until we really look at it and realize it is kind of dysfunctional!

  22. canigetanotherbottleofwhine

    Awesome! You are so freaking creative! Laughed out loud at the “friends with benefits.”

  23. You haven’t mentioned Belle from Beauty and the Beast and her Stockholm Syndrome

  24. Jokes aside, I don’t know how you come up with this stuff. You’re hysterical.
    Is it wrong I identify with Waldo?

  25. Brilliant, Abby! Belle – tendencies toward bestiality. Hahaha!

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