Festive Fall Tips for the Domestically Disabled

Considering the fact that middle class white women are freaking out over everything pumpkin flavored, it’s safe to say that fall has arrived.

Seeing as I hate 90 humid degrees and 90 inches of snow, fall is a great season for me. Along with the beautiful foliage in Michigan and the chance to finally wrap up the horticultural hospice I’ve been harboring for the summer, it also means playoff baseball, college football, hockey and hoodies—just a few of my favorite things.

I know some people are already freaking out over Halloween, but seeing as I deal with it five months out of the year for work, I’m over it. Plus, I believe my tips from last year shall remain eternally relevant, so we’re skipping ahead to my tips for a fabulous fall.

Outdoor Decor

Start by putting a wreath on the door that says “festive, yet I’ll dive behind the couch if you ring the bell and expect me to put on some pants.”


I might be a Publisher’s Clearing House million dollar winner if not for the fact that I perform a death roll behind the furniture the second I hear the doorbell.

If that fails to ward off those looking to interrupt your upcoming preparation for winter hibernation, simply build a corn maze in your front yard that never quite leads to the door (this also works well with your desk at the office.) The added value with this situation is that you can charge a bit of admission, which might come in useful when exploring the next tip below.

Seasonal Shopping

Shopping for that festive wreath is a great chance to get your Christmas shopping done. Who doesn’t love pumpkins, decorative corn and Halloween candy? I’ll tell you who. People who don’t appreciate you thinking ahead and being proactive with your gift-giving prowess.

Shopping early—and economically—leaves more time to drink spiked cider come the harsh winter months.

Indoor Decor

You don’t have to be Martha Stewart and devise a centerpiece out of unicorn hair, sparkly pine cones and the tears of kittens. You can basically take crap that you find in your yard and call it festive. Just spray some pine cones with apple cinnamon air freshener and stick them in a basket with a few colorful leaves and acorns.

Plus, after the season is done, you can take the tops off the acorns and use them for fashionable little berets or tiny serving plates for your traveling gnome.


Sorry that it’s a bit blurry, but Uncle June never stands still for long.

The trick is to gather these things before you “rake,” and by rake of course I mean wait for a windy day and gently urge the piles of leaves to migrate into the neighbor’s back yard.

Speaking of which, the neighbor kids’ basketball—the one they are constantly bouncing loudly against their garage door every. single. day.—looks quite similar to a pumpkin. Considering they’re back in school now, you can sneak over while they’re gone and turn it into a festive-looking decoration to be used for an impromptu pumpkin chuck.

Not only is this festive fun, but it’s a physical activity you can do together as a family. After all, someone has to keep lookout.

Happy Fall!

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22 responses to “Festive Fall Tips for the Domestically Disabled

  1. Nothing says, “Have a lovely day, but please do not knock or bother me in any way,” like a curtained door window and some pretty potted flowers.

  2. At least I now know I’m not the only one doing the roll 🙂

  3. Too funny! I thought I was the only one can do a death roll combined with a ninja jump from the couch to the arm of a chaise lounge, OVER the lamp table, and into the hallway, wearing nothing but a bathrobe, while signaling to my kids “do NOT answer that!!” if the doorbell rings. I have missed new iPhones, perishable tulip shipments from Holland, and probably Ed McMahon too, because of this.

    I’m with you, on every single point. Happy fall!!

  4. I have my pumpkins out already, because they are painted in the Oregon Ducks logo and colors. Football > Holiday, even though I LOVE Halloween…

    the other decor I am considering is a No Solicitation sign. I think most of our friends know not to ring unannounced, but those solicitors… GAH.

  5. “Shopping early—and economically—leaves more time to drink spiked cider come the harsh winter months.”


    Fall is my very favorite season too. It’s not too hot and its not too cold. And who doesn’t love hoodies and getting cozy on the sofa?

  6. So I am not the only one who hides out and pretends that I’m not home. That’s good to know. Now that basketball thing, that’s a definite idea. 🙂

  7. I thought I was the only person who ducks for cover instead of answering the door!

  8. We’re getting into the spirit of spring in our part of the world. The ground has warmed, stormy rain clouds and lashings of rain fill our days, plants are flourishing especially the weeds and evolution is so clever to have provided us with waterproof skin so we can walk in the rain. I love it all. Glad you like fall season (or as we call it, autumn. I’ve always wanted to use the word fall in a sentence about the season.) Enjoy.

  9. I’m a mid- temperature kind of man so I hate being to0o cold, or baked alive too, plus I love the colours but that is just because I’m sentimental

  10. So funny, but you almost worried me when you mentioned “rake.” So glad you clarified. Us duck-and-roll-to-avoid- the-doorbell sisters have to stay together. Ellen

  11. Yesterday I ran outside for two seconds to let the dog get the paper and the UPS guy drove up in time to catch me in all my braless wonder. Nowhere is safe.

  12. These are delightful musings on our autumn traditions. On our walk this morning, we spied the very first pumpkins and gourds on front porches and steps. Those neighbors were promptly and mercilessly mocked. Have a hayride Tuesday!!!

  13. I’m already sick of pumpkin and I haven’t even eaten anything pumkpin related yet. The food bloggers (and I consider myself one) have ruined it for me.
    I love your crafty tips for Halloween decor and I’m going to sick PETA on Martha’s ass for messing with kitten tears. How dare she!

  14. Only one month to go before I have to spend a full evening indoors with the lights out while the kids collect candy!

  15. By the way… I nominated you for an award. I don’t know if you like that kind of thing. If you don’t want to participate, no worries… you don’t have to tell me or apologize or anything like that… it is just for fun! But if you want to play along, you can pick up the award here: http://diaryofanalien1.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-first-award.html

  16. Busted! Just bought the first carton of Trader Joe’s Pumpkin ice cream of the season. I really should get a fall wreathe for my front door. Not that anyone besides myself, the deer, and coyotes are likely to see it. The joys of living in the wild! 🙂

  17. I moved to suburbia a few months ago. I went on Pinterest last week and saw a Halloween wreath I thought I could pull off. The words “Is there a craft store around here” came out of my mouth. Send help.

  18. I always avoid the doorbell too. I figure UPS will leave the package in front of the door. If it’s anyone else, I don’t need/want what they’re selling anyway. Thank you for the festive tips! I’ve been wondering how to make use of that partially-deflated basketball…

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