Festive Fall Tips for the Domestically Disabled

Considering the fact that middle class white women are freaking out over everything pumpkin flavored, it’s safe to say that fall has arrived.

Seeing as I hate 90 humid degrees and 90 inches of snow, fall is a great season for me. Along with the beautiful foliage in Michigan and the chance to finally wrap up the horticultural hospice I’ve been harboring for the summer, it also means playoff baseball, college football, hockey and hoodies—just a few of my favorite things.

I know some people are already freaking out over Halloween, but seeing as I deal with it five months out of the year for work, I’m over it. Plus, I believe my tips from last year shall remain eternally relevant, so we’re skipping ahead to my tips for a fabulous fall.

Outdoor Decor

Start by putting a wreath on the door that says “festive, yet I’ll dive behind the couch if you ring the bell and expect me to put on some pants.”

I might be a Publisher’s Clearing House million dollar winner if not for the fact that I perform a death roll behind the furniture the second I hear the doorbell.

If that fails to ward off those looking to interrupt your upcoming preparation for winter hibernation, simply build a corn maze in your front yard that never quite leads to the door (this also works well with your desk at the office.) The added value with this situation is that you can charge a bit of admission, which might come in useful when exploring the next tip below.

Seasonal Shopping

Shopping for that festive wreath is a great chance to get your Christmas shopping done. Who doesn’t love pumpkins, decorative corn and Halloween candy? I’ll tell you who. People who don’t appreciate you thinking ahead and being proactive with your gift-giving prowess.

Shopping early—and economically—leaves more time to drink spiked cider come the harsh winter months.

Indoor Decor

You don’t have to be Martha Stewart and devise a centerpiece out of unicorn hair, sparkly pine cones and the tears of kittens. You can basically take crap that you find in your yard and call it festive. Just spray some pine cones with apple cinnamon air freshener and stick them in a basket with a few colorful leaves and acorns.

Plus, after the season is done, you can take the tops off the acorns and use them for fashionable little berets or tiny serving plates for your traveling gnome.

Sorry that it’s a bit blurry, but Uncle June never stands still for long.

The trick is to gather these things before you “rake,” and by rake of course I mean wait for a windy day and gently urge the piles of leaves to migrate into the neighbor’s back yard.

Speaking of which, the neighbor kids’ basketball—the one they are constantly bouncing loudly against their garage door every. single. day.—looks quite similar to a pumpkin. Considering they’re back in school now, you can sneak over while they’re gone and turn it into a festive-looking decoration to be used for an impromptu pumpkin chuck.

Not only is this festive fun, but it’s a physical activity you can do together as a family. After all, someone has to keep lookout.

Happy Fall!

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