A Boobie Trap

Last week I overheard the neighbor kid say that he got to touch a boob, which got me thinking. First, he made it sound like a pretty big deal so I wondered if I should send a card or buy him a balloon or something to celebrate, but decided against it.

Second, what is the big deal with boobs?

Because I overshare, most of you know that I’m not exactly well-endowed and would just as soon go braless if it wasn’t for that little thing called the office and the awkwardness of “alert” nipples in cold conference rooms.

Side note: I hate, hate the word nipple. We need a new synonym for this, like “boob bulls eye” or “bust bumps” or something.

Anyway, while I got the small bump in the middle of my nose frommy grandma, I also got small bumps on my chest and not the titanic ta-tas that she has. In fact, I think my first memory of seeing actual boobs is with her.


Every little girl needs a mullet and sock boobs.

I have this distinct memory of being on my grandma’s bathroom counter after she washed my feet in the sink. Apparently I’m a splasher because she had to change her shirt. She whipped it off, turned around and two swinging sacks large enough to alter the tides came flying around in her massive over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder.

Quickly looking down at my concave counterpart, it became clear to me that six kids and 60 years could do a lot to alter the female form.

I was both mortified and fascinated by the size of her fleshy pillows. I mean, I knew they were there before in the way I knew my grandpa had tiny bird legs and socks with the balls on the back. But to see those grand gazongas—if only as they passed in a busty blur—was quite a surprise.

After she changed her shirt, we went out to the line to hang her other shirt to dry. There—flying like a flag of fleshy freedom—were some of grandma’s bras. Big, huge white underwire numbers that could double as a hammock for a small child were clothes-pinned right next to the sheets and grandpa’s stained T-shirts on the line.

“So this is what I have to look forward to?” I wondered as I untangled myself from the now-semi-clean sheet I was “helping” to fold. “The rest of my life is going to be spent lugging around bowling balls in a bra that could house newborn squirrels? Won’t they get in the way of the fun things like baseball and teaching Get In Shape Girl on the front lawn to reluctant neighbor kids?”

Well, years later it’s become as clear as the slightly bumpy nose on my face that my cleavage is not a concern, as it doesn’t exist.

Some women might feel insecure about this, like they’re “less of a woman” because they don’t have huge honkers—or any at all. And while I admit that it would be nice to feel a bit more “gifted” in the breasticle area—if only to have something to catch the food that I drop—there are a million other things that I would rather feel insecure about.

I figure you get what you get, and what I got were more memories than mammories from Gram, one faithful bra in my dresser and a pervy neighborhood kid.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

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18 responses to “A Boobie Trap

  1. I remember seeing my grandmother’s bras for the first time. Next to my mother’s it looked like we had an alien in the family. Alter the tides… Ha!

  2. They do really come in handy for catching all manner of dropping food particles.

  3. oh, I’m very endowed. (I’ve had people ask if they’re real) and I’m on the opposite end with you. I want a reduction, NOW. Yesterday. Last Year.

    However, you always make me giggle and seeing your grandma’s boobs are a right of passage for many young girls I think. Something to compare your own to later on.

    did I ever tell you about my wedding dress fitting story and my mother ? LOL (that’s one for an email..)

  4. I’m built like you… nada on top. And I kinda like it. I never have shoulder or back pain, never have to “double bag” to workout and I even see not getting much sexual attention as a plus. As long as my husband’s fine with me (and he is), I’m flat and happy;)
    p.s. You should have sent the card. Just so you could snap a pic of his face when he opened it!

  5. Um, dumb WordPress. I wrote a reply telling you all about my tiny tatas and how much I love the fact I never get shoulder pain, have to double bag or deal with catcalls and when I hit post for whatever lame reason WP re-posted a comment I put on another blog. I’d delete it but I can’t figure out how. Sorry:/

  6. that picture is one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen on these inenrwebz

  7. HA! Send him a balloon! Funny. I’m also “Small and Mighty,” and I’ve always been okay with that. Well, high school and early college notwithstanding.

  8. When I was just hitting puberty I was mortified that I had to finally get a bra. I’m no longer mortified but sometimes they do seem to get in the way. It’s funny how the older I get the less I want to deal with anything that’s got to be strapped down, tucked in or flattened out. Unfortunately, the older I get the more I need to do these things.

  9. Ahhh the fascination with boobies. My spouse always says, “You can’t touch just one.” Dirty-birdie.
    I’m more like your grandmother, and while I love my girls, some days I wish they weren’t so well-endowed. Like every time I take my bra off, which is pretty much the second I get home from work, and watch them tumble way, way down. The only way to bring them back to ready pose is to suddenly develop really good posture or put them back in the cage (i.e. my bra). Big boobies aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

  10. Ha! I’m in your boat, and I feel extra-charmed for having read this. Little ladies unite! 😛

  11. schmitthappens11

    My God this is hilarious. I feel you on not having boobs but sweet Jesus I’m so happy I don’t. You had me laughing out loud though.

  12. I hear ya, most of the women in my family had big boobs and often complained about them and I was always feeling like I just got the leftovers. Like there is a cup of boob genes and there was just a drop left for me being the last child. Oh well, like you said, there are better insecurities to focus on 😉

  13. Haha. This was absolutely hilarious!

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