More Letters I Probably Won’t Send

You can find the first installment here.

To Mr. Tech Support Guy on the Phone:

You asked if I had any more questions. Sorry if “Do you think I sound pretty?” wasn’t what you had in mind. Considering this conversation was recorded for training purposes, I suggest you review it and take notes on how to be a bit more specific with your language.

To Twitter and Facebook Suggestions:

I appreciate you looking out for me, but you’re greatly overestimating my desire to find more friends. If I haven’t “friended” someone after multiple suggestions, you can bet that it’s because I’m content not connecting with the creepy biology teacher from middle school or my bank. I’m also not interested in homeschooling the kids I don’t have or connecting with singles in my area.

And I will assume the suggestion that I should follow Mr. Peanut implies that I’m nuts, which to be honest, is probably not far from the truth. You nailed it with that one.

To Amateur Photographers:

Tis the season, fa la la, but the millionth close-up photo of Starbuck’s “red cup” has been taken, so it’s safe to move on to other things now. After all, it is just A RED CUP FROM STARBUCKS filled with overpriced hot liquid. We’re not talking about the golden ticket from Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory here, people.

To the Woman in Front of Me at the Checkout:

I enjoy pleasant conversation with strangers quite often, and our dialogue about the lazy person who left the bug spray in the candy next to the lane was a great way to pass the time. But apparently I have one of those faces that says, “Yes, tell me weird things that I probably shouldn’t be told” because the conversation took quite an odd turn.

The fact that your grandma—who was bitten by a scorpion and died, a fact brought up by the importance of bug spray—married her cousin seemed a little out of left field. But I would like to thank you for clarifying that it was actually “okay” and that you aren’t a product of inbreeding, despite—in your words, not mine—the lack of your back molars and motto of, “kill it and grill it.”

I appreciate you clearing that up.

To People Who Write Open Letters:

I get that you feel the Internet is the perfect passive-aggressive way to dispense your invaluable opinion on something, but it’s really not that effective. These letters usually start with the “Dear X,” greeting— often to a public personality—followed by the very expected takedown of said person you are writing the letter to, and/or what you feel is a highly controversial/unique opinion.

While stating this opinion to a recipient who will never read it, you often act like you’re just remembering additional complaints in the middle of your letter when we all know you have carefully planned when to say them. The letter often ends with your “knockout” point of contention and a “sincerely” before you sign off.

Here’s an idea. Why don’t you write a real letter to the person who has offended you?  Oh, yes. That’s because they couldn’t care less and are wiping their ass with their money.

Now I realize that this whole post is a form of an open letter, but I am under no delusions that you will write back or that my opinion will actually sway the collective “you” to see the error of your ways. And the other times that I wrote a semi-open letter, I just wanted my yoga pants and bra to feel happy in their new home.



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12 responses to “More Letters I Probably Won’t Send

  1. Regarding the tech support guy–can’t a gal ask a simple question and get an honest answer? I know the answer is no, but I need to be reminded some days.

  2. you are my daily dose of funny…always.

  3. But Starbucks cups are…special. And the $4 dollar purchase must be documented (read: justified). It MUST be.

  4. To parents of kids who do sports and extracurricular activities with my daughters,

    The chances of your little Suzy being on the up in whatever sport or activity we’re watching them participating in after high school is literally 1 million to one. Let them have fun. Shut your mouth. Save your politics for calling into Rush Limbaugh, and play on your phone like us good parents.

    Sincerely, me

  5. Abby, you must have needed to vent today.. Love it. You make my mornings. You put a smile in my heart every day with your humor.

  6. You know, I think that you really should send these letters out. Anonymously, of course, but the people who they’re directed at should receive them. It would save us all a lot of trouble.

  7. Again, hilarious! Loved the last one too. One letter you didn’t write was to the telemarketer that tries to give you a ridiculously English name and is obviously calling from India.

  8. I am dying laughing, Abby! These are too fucking funny.

    I especially enjoyed the one to “The Woman in Front of Me at the Checkout”


  9. You are so funny! There are so many people we SHOULD send letters to. Or maybe save the postage and punch them in the neck instead.

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