A Motivational Speech for my Vacuum

Hey there bagless buddy!

There’s been a little bit of concern about your performance of late. Maybe it’s because you’re a bit confused as to what this job description entails, so let’s have a little refresher.


You suck.

No, don’t roll away! That’s not an attack on your character! I mean that your job is simply to suck.

The endless hair shed on the carpet? The bastard grains of rice I spilled on the floor? You get the honor of scratching my OCD itch and sucking that crap up! Oh yes. You, my friend, have that “thing” that can do it for me.

What is that “thing”? That “thing” is power!

Because in spite of what you’ve heard, power does matter, and the second that I plug you into the wall we’re plugging into performance! Together we can focus on results and achieve the breakthroughs that will launch us into the realm of clean carpets and dirt-free floors!

That’s a little dramatic, I admit, but my point is that you can be special.

You can suck better than any other vacuum in this house. Well, except for the new dustbuster a fraction your size that could suck up the couch if I tried.

But you know what that dustbuster doesn’t have? A light on the front in case we need to vacuum at night. Light the way! It’s time to show that dustbuster who’s boss, and who sucks the most in this house!

So rise up and grab that rogue string I’ve run over 235 times instead of bending over myself to pick up. Run with it!


Because that string wants to come off of the floor, but it needs you to help it because it’s a string and a string cannot move on its own.

So tighten that new belt I bought you, spin those shiny wheels and get back to doing what it is you do best—you suck.

Let’s try and keep it that way.

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25 responses to “A Motivational Speech for my Vacuum

  1. ‘you suck! ‘ has never sounded so eloquent.
    Thanks for my Wednesday giggle.

  2. Ha! My vacuum is not in the best of shape…it’s an older model who is looking forward to retirement. I wish I could say that it bothered me that it doesn’t pick up everything, but….*whistles and looks up*

  3. If we bought a vacuum cleaner, the odds are I’d be the one who’d end up having to use it. My wife talks a good game but truth is, doing housework makes her… cranky. Yeah. Let’s go with “cranky”.

  4. Judging from the photo, I have your vacuum’s brother (or sister? how do you tell with vacuums?). My vacuum pretty much does his/her job, but sometimes has issues with dog hair in the spring and fall – perhaps I’m a bad boss who is simply loading too much onto a vacuum that was never meant for heavy-duty. That’s why we have a second, bigger vacuum for heavy-duty, that one is really old and close to retirement. It’s so hard to find good help these days.

  5. I will roll over something 50 times before I give up and bend over to pick it up. I expect a lot from my vacuum, too.

  6. Even appliances need a motivational speech now and then. ❤ it!

  7. LOL! That was great fun to read, thank you. Do you think it works, talking to your vacuum cleaner like you do your plants? I know I’ve been giving my car words of encouragement and so far she seems to be taking me seriously.

  8. My vacuum, Oreck, went on strike because of all the dog hair and coal (the fireplace is messy!) I made it suck up. In order to get on good terms with it again, I had to spend some quality time gingerly reaching inside its hole and pulling out the build up. After I released all that pent up garbage, it was really sucky again. Now my oven on the other hand… I’m not sure why that isn’t heating up anymore.
    I hope your motivational speech helps your vacuum! I’m not sure how any home could thrive without one.

  9. I have a Shark, and if my vaccum were a rock band, I would leave my family to be it’s groupie. I love it that much because it sucks so hard.

  10. I wish my vacuum sucked as much as yours. I think it’s time for a vacuum that sucks way more. Mine does not suck, therefore it sucks.

    Wonderful little play on words you wrote up. Loved it!

  11. Ha ha I love it. Don’t you hate it when the vacuum just pushes little crumbs around on the floor instead of sucking like it is supposed to? I recently got a Dison. It totally sucks.

  12. Now I really want to clean my apartment… Thank you!

  13. I’ve been thinking all day that I need to vacuum. Actually, I’ve been thinking that for a week — or more. I hate to vacuum. Vacuuming sucks.

  14. I heart my vacuum more than a sane person should. My gym actually has the same kind, and when I saw the cleaning woman using it, I got super excited and proceeded to show her how to dismantle and reassemble it to get the best performance results. Yup, I’m sure that’s not normal. She was appreciative though…. I think.

  15. I love my vacuum. After years of having some thing that I pulled along behind me that made loud noises and just pushed dirt around, I now have one that really, really sucks!

  16. “A light on the front in case we need to vacuum at night. Light the way!”

    Thank you!

    I never vacuum at night (unless it’s by candle light–so romantic–when we finish, the Vac and I traditionally share a glass of Chardonnay: we both suck that wine down; then I hold two cigs in my mouth, lite ’em; hand one to Vac, just like in the movies, and we have our smoke)

    And that is generally as far as it goes (so far)


  17. My husband is having an affair with our vacuum and I prefer our broom. We make it work. You and your vac should be so happy together. Love this.

  18. Hope the motivational speech worked. If not , check the filter. It could be clogged, making your vacuum less efficient and less likely to receive your inspirational message.

    (Twist the lid off your dirt cup and remove the two filters. Tap the pleated one on the garbage can. Run the foam filter under hot water for two minutes then squeeze. Let it air dry for 24 hours then replace it. You should be good to go.)

    -Dirt Devil

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