Pressing My Luck

I’ve come to the conclusion that my most viable retirement option is going on a game show and kicking some ass, so I’m currently looking into my options.

My love of game shows can most likely be attributed to my grandma. Everyone knew not to come over before “Price is Right” was on—she was still sleeping—but after that it was a marathon of everything from “Classic Concentration” and “Scrabble” to “$10,000 Pyramid” and of course, the immortal “Press Your Luck.”

If “Press Your Luck” were still on, I would so throw down with some Whammies.

But I miss all the old classic shows, as now we have “The Bachelor” instead of “Love Connection” in which Chuck Woolery— working one of his five jobs — charmed the audience with his impossibly white teeth, humorous quips and classic “two and two” as he threw it to a commercial.

Fortunately, some of the classics remain.

Suck It, Trebek

Of course I have to mention “Jeopardy” first, even if it’s the least viable option. Gram would usually tackle the history questions, many of which she considered to be modern news stories, and I could run any category on sports, food or household cleaning products.

But these days I only feel smart when it’s the Elementary School for Average Students Tournament of Champions and I recently slammed my head in the freezer, so I think I’ll stick with kicking the ass of the senile old people at the home.

Don’t judge. They’re a very competitive bunch.

Come On Down!

The “Price is Right” was a big one for us—once we got past Gram announcing all the models were cheap hussy floozies—and given my vast knowledge of grocery stores and couponing combined with the fact I created a PLINKO game for myself when I was little, this one might be a good bet.

It’s a long shot and I would have to wear an outrageous shirt with some ridiculous saying on it so I could get picked, but I’m confident that I could “come on down!” and bid closest to the actual retail price without going over.

However, I still can’t get used to skinny Drew Carey.

Spin to Win

Maybe it’s my love of words or the phase I went through in which I obsessively completed crossword puzzles—sometimes without even looking up the solution for the long words in the back of the book—but I can often come up with the “Wheel of Fortune” answers impressively early.

I wouldn’t be one of those players who spends all their money buying vowels—they obviously don’t know how to budget—or who shouts out every letter like they’re talking to Stevie Wonder. I also hear the “Bankrupt” sound effect every time I check my banking balance online, so I could comfortably couch my reaction should the wheel deal me that blow.

Regardless, I like The Wheel, and it’s been around so long that I expect Vanna to roll around in her walker uncovering letters at some point in time.

The only issue I see would be spinning the wheel itself. I’m not exactly what you would call “coordinated,” so falling over the barrier in an effort to enthusiastically spin the wheel and being forced to ride around in circles until it stopped is a distinct possibility.

But even then I might still end up as a YouTube viral sensation, at which time I could milk my 15 minutes of fame, go on Jimmy Fallon and convince him to hire/marry me and then retire to my couch with some hummus.

Either way, I think that’s a win.

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