Different Soaks for Different Folks

Some of you faithful readers might remember that last year I applied to a local Craigslist ad to be a naked sushi model.

I was hesitant at first, but the fact that they offered to cover my “goodies” with bamboo was a nice gesture. And what really sold me was that not only did the ad say it would be “awesome,” but heck! I could take the leftover sushi home with me!

Unfortunately, I never heard back and my dreams were dashed with sushi silence.

However, my friend Cadry alerted me to a listing in New York—under “talent gigs,” no less— that has been floating around the Internet. Since the whole “being naked and used as a table” thing didn’t work out, I decided to give it a shot.

(Reprinted exactly as listed, despite grammatical errors and lack of punctuation that make me twitchy. But again, with fate one can’t be picky!)

I will pay you $175 to sit in my bath tub full of ramen noodles wearing a bathing suit

I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this.

I will give you the keys while we meet, and you will go to my apartment thereafter.

It will require a 30 minute soak.

The noodles will be cooked and therefore slippery.

Do not bring any sauce. I will season the sauce after I get home prior to dinner.

Again, I was a bit hesitant when I first read this and had some concerns. However, it is a $175 paycheck—or cash, I would assume—and I wouldn’t even have to taste good, per se. As the ad notes, the poster would season the sauce himself prior to dinner.

So I applied with a few requests of my own to throw my hat into the ring—or the bathtub, so to speak.

To whom it may concern:

I am applying for the position of bathing beauty/soaking seasoning that you have listed on Craigslist. While bathing in a tub of noodles is a rather unusual employment opportunity, I’m excited to explore the “pastabilities!”

(See what I did there? Dinner and a show!)

Anyway, the gig sounds clear enough, but there are a few questions I have and so I did a little research.

What I found out is that if one were to eat ramen every day for one year for three meals a day, it would amount to a mere $142 (and severe hypertension.)

Given that you are willing to offer $175 for one tub of slippery, unsauced noodles leads me to believe that you are one classy dude and totally aren’t plotting to murder me and cook my body in the broth!

But there is a little concern on my end as to what I am supposed to do for 30 minutes alone wearing a bathing suit in a strange person’s tub of noodles. Do you have a DVD player? Wi-fi? Maybe a crossword puzzle or two?

Second, what flavor noodles will I be soaking in and what kind of sauce will you be adding post-soak? I realize this might not be relevant, but even though I’ve never eaten them I‘ve been told that most taste like loneliness and poverty.

I have my pride and am a vegan, so I would prefer that a “classy” flavor be selected. Something like mushroom, perhaps?

At any rate, I think this will be beneficial for both of us. You get your female flavoring and due to the artificial ingredients and shit ton of salt in the ramen, my skin will stay preserved for the next 50 years.

It’s a bit odd, but as they say, different soaks for different folks!

Thanks so much and I hope to hear from you soon.

Abby

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