A Total Buzzkill

Ahh…spring. Blue skies, the sounds of birds chirping, coming up with excuses to stay outside and watch the neighbor’s hot lawn guy cut grass.

It’s the time of year when I work on my garden/horticultural hospice, when shouting “I need a studfinder!” and “Where my hose at?” while walking into Home Depot can be justified somehow.

Yes, spring has arrived.

The OCD in me takes immense pleasure in dead-heading petunias, picking green beans and pulling out weeds (in both my yard and any other surface that makes me feel twitchy—it’s actually really a curse.)

But the real curse of warm weather—other than blinding a chipmunk with the whiteness of my legs—is the bugs. Oh yes, those tiny little monsters that are bound and determined to make me itchy and bitchy and other adjectives that sound like rejected names for the Seven Dwarfs.

Although I know they serve a purpose, bugs suck—both literally and figuratively. Aside from flying up my nose or sneaking into my mouth, they suck the fun out of outdoor situations by sucking the blood out of my soul, leaving me with un-itchable itchy bumps as a reminder of their intrusive visits to my flesh and to my fun.

I use sprays, creams, zappers and Tiki torches with citronella oil in an effort to ward off their presence, yet I still find myself cursing the little a-holes as I scratch and claw at my bites.

These bugs have balls.

They have no fear.

They laugh at me as I wave my arms around like a crazy person and run around the yard with a 75-cent plastic fly swatter that’s about as effective as hitting a softball with a wet noodle.

Now I get it that when I’m outside I’m on their turf, kind of like how I don’t blame sharks for attacking swimmers. If I saw some guy in my territory wearing a Speedo I would probably get pissed off, too. Don’t blame Jaws.

But unlike almost all other creatures, bugs a) have no regard for personal space and b) don’t seem to understand the concept of private property and think it’s okay to enter an indoor environment uninvited.

The little winged weirdos just waltz on in with their buzzy tune, intent on destroying happiness and beinghectic in the corner of the ceiling or around my head.

When they actually enter my house uninvited—without even bringing a nice fruit basket or maybe some hummus—I will go to the ends of the earth and my couch to make sure they don’t stay for long. Magazines, dish towels, napkins—I’m like the MacGyver of finding something to “remedy” the situation.


Inside or out, I refuse to let them win.

I might not have balls and I might have irrational fears of weird things like sneezing while driving or developing an allergy to asparagus, but I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing—lighting torches and swatting at the little bastards, all the while reeking of DEET and frustration.

You have been warned, my flying foes, you have been warned.

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20 responses to “A Total Buzzkill

  1. From one OCD to another….you made me laugh by holding up a mirror I could see myself in! Great read.

  2. I haaate bugs (and they love me). Especially mosquitos, the little bastards. Sometimes in the summer i’ll wake up scratching my legs all confused, and then I realize I got a dozen or so mosquito bites the night before. Bleh.

  3. We’ve developed a sort of apathy toward bugs of late. Ants in the kitchen? Live & let live, as long as they stick to the leftover scraps and crumbs that we may occasionally miss and not touch our food. Spider on the ceiling? Stay up there and help deal with a few mosquitoes and your safety is assured. Cockroaches? Okay those are still in the “KILL! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!” zone but that’s why they usually have the good sense to not let themselves be seen.

  4. The worst is when your already very white legs get covered in bug bites right before you need to wear a dress for some function. And it’s one you can’t get out of either.

    I could sit in the grass and pull weeds for hours if it wasn’t for those blood suckers.

  5. Last summer, group of us went camping in the Pisgah National Forest, 8 adults, 9 kids. It was great in that I saw my kids, probably, a total of 45 minutes over the course of the day. The bugs, like you said, SUCKED! I brought my Electronic Racket Bug Zapper. I thought I could just sit in my camp chair, waving my magical racket and all would be right with the world. It wasn’t near as fun as sounded in my head …and my dog wouldn’t come near me! But the kids had a GLORIOUS time! Sunup to sundown, you could hear the sound of those creepy little critters frying. Spiders, ants, moths, mosquitoes, didn’t matter, they all got it. And the ecosystem of the Pisgah National Forest? Sacrificed to 9 buzz-thirsty kids!

  6. “But unlike almost all other creatures, bugs a) have no regard for personal space and b) don’t seem to understand the concept of private property and think it’s okay to enter an indoor environment uninvited.” Sounds just like my next-door neighbor. Gonna be a long summer.

  7. haha, true but technically we don’t really own this world to have ‘private property’ (Please refer to Mulan :D) But I admit, bugs are exceedingly annoying. As if their excessive crawling was not enough, they also have wings! Just so that they can taunt us as they fly around emitting that overwhelming buzzing. Drives me insane :/

  8. I finally went crazy and hired the Ghostbusters version of mosquito exterminators. He showed up in full body gear and a backpack with a huge hose (insert joke here) and sprayed the crap out of my entire yard. Suckahs die!!! I’ll let you know if it works. It better.

    • I used to have a “Bug Guy” but he didn’t make it through the budget cuts. So it’s me and a can full of Raid!

      • I had a bug guy, but he started coming to spray when I was at work. The contract said he was to spray inside and outside. Why would I pay just to have the outside sprayed? I wanted them killed inside more than outside, anyway. I just Black Flagged a Black Widow that had the nerve to make her home under my porch swing. She’s gone now.

  9. I moved to a new area so I’m expecting a whole new summer or bug problems. They haven’t been too bad so far but today was really annoying! I should probably do my dishes…

  10. That day in late spring when the mosquitoes come out of hibernation (or wherever they’ve been) is the saddest day of the year. I’m with you.

  11. Sounds like you really did a good job on that black bean!!! Ha. Thanks for the laughs. 🙂

  12. I’m pretty sue black beans don’t bite. I’ve found citronella oil in my body butter helps keep them away. Worth a try 🙂

  13. You literally had me laughing out loud!! I’m terrified of the hand-sized rain spiders we get over here, and have a general dislike for all and any insects.

  14. I almost spit out my coffee laughing at this one! I can SO relate! I’m like a mad woman when it comes to gnats and Mosquitos! Pesky little @&$#%*+€£$&@%…. 😂😂😂😂😂

  15. Warning: sensible suggestion coming up: Have you tried using neat lavender oil on bites that itch and bitch? Takes the itch ut of ’em I find.

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