My Life is Headline News

Needless to say, the closest I’ll come to having a reality show is if they’re looking to make a montage of someone walking into a room, forgetting why she went in there and walking back out a few times.

Considering the kinkiest part of my weekend was wrestling with the garden hose for 15 minutes, I’m not exactly making headline news with my adventures. But that doesn’t mean I can’t still provide you with some more headlines from my house.

Woman reenacts, ‘Eat. Pray. Love.’ minus the last two things

Chickpea dropped on office floor. Memorial services pending

Missed Connection: You were the hot shirtless jogger who said “hi.” I was the one who waved back with a bag full of dog poop. Look me up.

Group formed to mandate drug testing ‘Price Is Right’ contestants, claiming, ‘No one is naturally that excited about anything.’

Weather: High was 80 degrees. Low was eating a piece of broccoli that fell out of my shirt

Local dentist offers hygienists comfortable with silence for additional fee

On the next episode of ‘Naked & Afraid’: Abby sees a spider in the shower

Invitation stating, ‘Regrets Only,’ sent note: ‘My hair throughout most of the ’90s.’

Chipmunk runs into leg, screams and runs away; Suspect assumed to be male, given victim’s history with the opposite sex

Studies show easiest way to get out of ‘Reply All’ email cycle is to toss computer out window and start a new life

Writer wins $2 on scratch-off lotto ticket, says ‘I promise not to let it change who I am.’

Trending in fashion: ‘I look okay enough to go to Walmart, but not to go to Target’

Woman uses kitchen shears to actually cut food and not open a box; offered Food Network show

Breaking News: Windshield not a force field of invisibility. People see you picking your nose

Motion to rename store ‘Bed, Bath & Beyond My Budget’ denied

Suspected tricks up woman’s sleeve confirmed to be just scented fabric softener sheet

Newest social media craze revealed: 1) Leave your house 2) Talk to real people

Analysts predict most effective retirement plan is cashing in swear jar on desk

Beauty Tip: Save 20 minutes on morning beauty routine by not having morning beauty routine

Compilation video from ATM security footage of woman rocking out in car sold to YouTube for pennies

For 1,356,305th week in a row, Saturday wins award for “Best Day of the Week”

Woman danced like nobody was watching. Got asked to leave store because ‘Scaring the other shoppers’

Writer pulls muscle in chest. No swelling. Great disappointment.

Your turn. What’s one headline from your life?

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27 responses to “My Life is Headline News

  1. Mine would be something about “Cleaning up Cat Vomit Volume 6: Why ALWAYS the rug?

  2. Patricia Devine

    These are hilarious! How about two more: 1) Appeals Court reverses lower court ruling: Saturday night trip to Meijer not under purview of “bein’ gangsta.” 2) Tests conclude 14-year old males not affected by ice water wake-up technique.

  3. Mother slaves over lavish meal; kids eat sandwiches.

  4. 11 year old boy plays 7 straight hours of Minecraft. Three days in a row.

  5. Very expensive government-funded study confirms: puppies will eat ANYTHING.
    (PS: I can totally relate to the Walmart vs. Target fashion comment.)

  6. Top story of the evening: Women throws away last night’s take out food it fit of disgust. After the break: woman filmed eating pad thai out of garbage can.

  7. The chipmunk one! The chipmunk one!

  8. Cashier asked to stop replying to males telling him to have a nice day with, “Oh, I will now.”.

  9. Small gay man in tights mistaken for straight female hooker in tights. Again.

  10. The retirement one and the naked and afraid ones are my favorites but as always, you crack me up. Love these!!!

  11. Thanks for the much needed laughter. Search is ended for missing eye glasses. Woman found them on top of her head.

  12. When asked in a court of law why she attacked the cashier she simply said, “He called me m’aam”.

  13. Woman convinced toddler to try broccoli. Waiting for invitation to world peace strategy summit.

  14. Young woman sets record for most Netflix watched in a day

  15. Love this and you…always.

  16. Man wakes up at 4 am each day to write, has issues.

  17. As one who has freaked out in the shower over a spider, one too many times, I loved this piece. All of it. Headlines in Jillville? I saw a guy at the airport today who looked just like Stiffler from American Pie. It was not him. I checked.

  18. The club we’re not supposed to talk about so let’s call it Fright Club but where I punch myself in the face because my 18-year-old daughter is going to college and making me crazy doing so.

  19. Local woman calls police when a display of wine bottles is knocked over at the liquor store, demanding someone be arrested for this crime. Woman would not stop licking floor and had to be removed by the same authorities she called. Woman’s current state is unknown.

  20. Man with seconds to live discovers from the television that he’s won the lottery but can’t remember where he left the ticket. His impoverished nephew cannot understand why he is so agitated in this supposed moment of great peace and tranquillity

  21. How about psycho cat eats owner in a fit of rage because she won’t let him outside in the mornings.

    Your headlines always make me laugh. Thanks for that.

  22. Woman overwhelmed by to-do list hides in closet, eats chips

  23. Blogger takes then deletes 73 photos for sponsored recipe post due the next date. Crying imminent.

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