It’s Friday! Another blogger is sharing their issues! Exclamation points!
Today it’s Jen from “People I Want to Punch In the Throat,” and given the name of her blog, it’s natural to assume she has issues.
If you’ve ever heard of the Elf on the Shelf, you’ve heard of Jen. If you’ve ever heard of “I Just Want to Be Alone”—and if you read this blog, I’ve shoved it down your throat because I was ridiculously honored to be included—you’ve heard of Jen.
I could sit here and ramble about all her other books—including two new ones that are dropping this September and then in fall of 2015—but I’ll let you figure that out on your own because this post is already long and there’s a giveaway at the end.
Free stuff! Exclamation point!
So without further ado, here’s Jen.
Name: Jen Mann
Blog: People I Want to Punch in the Throat
Where, what, and why do you write?
I write everywhere. I’ve been known to write in my car on the pickup line at school, I write in my bed, I write in my office. You name it, I’ve probably written there. I like to write on a laptop, so I’m always hauling a laptop around with me. A notebook and pen would be too simple for me. I much prefer to sit poolside with a hot piece of machinery on my lap. Plus, then people will stop and say, “Are you a writer?”
Why do I write? That one’s easy. I write so that I don’t kill. I write to vent my spleen. If I don’t write it down then I might literally explode. A wise blogger (whose name I can’t remember) once said, “If I don’t write it on my blog, then did it really happen?” When you have that kind of ego, then you have to be a writer. Plus, I’m not cut out for manual labor, so this writing thing needs to work for me.
(Editor’s note: Since she can’t remember the name of the blogger but appreciated the advice, let’s just pretend it was me. Moving on…)
First thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
I need a nap.
What’s the one “issue” or frustration annoying you the most right now?
Anything and everything back to school. We’re starting our second week of school and it’s been a nightmare. Everyone is exhausted, and my kids are crying every morning because they don’t want to get up. They whine that school is hard this year. Ha. You should see fourth grade spelling words: Art. Give me a break, Gomer.
We’re having a tough time getting back into the routine of checking homework, packing ah-may-zing fun and healthy lunches, finding clean clothes to wear each day and shelling out hundreds of dollars for new clothes, markers and glue sticks (NOT the purple ones!!), PTO membership and renting violins. Yes, I rented a violin this year. I am looking forward to the practices because I like to hear the sound of dying cats.
Three websites you visit every day?
Huffington Post, Jezebel and The Onion.
(Editor’s note: By “Huffington Post” of “The Onion” I’m sure she meant Abby Has Issues. Carry on.)
What’s an unusual talent and/or accomplishment you could never put on a resume?
I can change a diaper using one hand while holding onto a squirmy toddler with the other.
Favorite place to be?
In my bed. Don’t get excited, Hubs. I like to be there alone. Sleeping.
If you could rule the land for one day, what laws would you create and enforce?
Citizens may key any car that isn’t parked properly between the lines.
What TV show would you want to appear on?
Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I’ve been watching this show since the beginning and I dream of one day sitting across the table from Jon. I’ll be so star-struck though so the interview will go terribly because I’ll just keep giggling uncontrollably and saying stuff like, “Oh my God, it’s you.”
Best and worst things I could find in your refrigerator right now?
Best would be leftover burrito from lunch. Worst would be leftover burrito from six months ago.
What question do you wish I had asked you and what would be your reply?
Where can I buy your new book, Jen? Amazon, of course!
And because she’s a giver, we’re also giving away one copy of “I Just Want to Be Alone” today to a random person who comments on this post answering the question below. The giveaway is open to U.S. residents with a sense of humor and a random winner will be drawn on Tuesday morning and notified via email.
Even if you have a copy of the book, play along. You don’t want to get on her bad side.
Who do you want to punch in the throat?
Like the blog? Buy the books!
You probably meant one person singular. But I’m so mad at all the conservative politicians who have put the squeeze on the lowly paid, the unemployed, people with disabilities and old-aged pensioners in a mistaken belief that this will help fix the economy. Bah Humbug! Just stand still, you piggy Australian Government pollies, while I punch you in the throat.
Oops! I think need to take some deep breaths and calm down a bit 🙂
Oh, no. This is THE place to vent. You’re in!
Two of my favourite writers on the same page – I imagine this what it would feel like if Tina Turner did a duet with Prince! I’m unfortunately not suitable for the free giveaway being British and all (bugger) but thought I’d pop by and say how much I enjoyed this interview. You are both fab. I think the only way to settle which one is my favourite is through a good old fashioned Thumb War!
I love that you used the word “fab.” And for the record, I rock at thumb-wresting.
I get the feeling you’re kind of expecting a simple, singularly hateful sort of answer. Yeah, not so much. I want to punch so many people right in their stupid throats, it’s actually rather disturbing. So, here is a somewhat condensed list: customers who ask stupid questions, customers who steal the stupidest and/or weirdest crap ever, coworkers who are so stupid that I honestly wonder how the manage to dress themselves in the morning, corporate boob-heads that set unrealistic and unreasonable things from employees, people who inform me that women my size should lower their standards and take whatever man will have them (what-ever!), people who makes ridiculously idiotic comments when they find out my niece has down syndrome, people that think reading for pleasure is stupid and weird, and, most of all, all the people who believe that, if an illness/disability isn’t physically visible and, like, tap dancing before their eyes, it isn’t real. Anxiety, Depression, Fibromyalsia, etc etc etc–all things made up by attention-seeking whiners who just want to be lazy or whatever. Other than that, I am totally all puppy dogs and kittens and flowers and butterflies and all that. Hmm…looking back at what I wrote, I realize I sound just a tad bit snarky and maybe even a bit hateful. Odd. But my favorite color is pink and my niece and my big fat spoiled house cat think I’m awesome-sauce, so there’s that. Oh, and I totally get weepy over the ASPCA and Feed The Children commercials. A bad person wouldn’t do that, right?
You know what? I love this comment, and because of it, you a little bit. I agree 100 percent with everything other than the color pink. You rock.
Why, thank you! I totally do NOT want to punch you, not one little bit! 😀
I was reading through the comments and yours really struck home for me. All of it was true but the part about illness jumped out at me. I would be right there with you helping punch those idiots who have their head shoved so far up their rectum that they can honestly believe people make up that kind of suffering. I have dealt with people like that myself who believe there isn’t anything wrong with me and now I’m wishinh I wouldve gave them that punch to the throat.
Would it be inappropriate to say that I would like to punch my ex in the face? (He wasn’t a very nice guy)
I want to punch “too many people to list in a blog post response” in the throat. And in other places that would hurt, too. I am in the middle of an international move, so the moving people, the cleaning people, my landlord, American airlines, and my husband are at the tip top of my list. It felt really good to type that, so thanks for that! I love Abby Has Issues and Jen, too! I hope I win! Pick me, pick me!
Good luck with that move!
I’m the same as ‘Sophie, She Wrote’, being British and all, I’m unable to participate in the free giveaway, however, I must say, I agreed with a lot of what Jen said! Especially the law enforcing question. And I’m sure my boyfriend would agree too, since we were parked in a supermarket car park, and when we returned someone had parked so badly that I could barely squeeze down the side of my car to open the door and get in!!
But the person I’d most like to punch in the throat right now is the next person whose response to me telling them I hope to publish a novel some day is, ‘Oh, are you going to be the next J.K Rowling?’ – as much as I love J.K, there are many talented writers out there and it’s disappointing that she is all they can think of. Also, I write nothing like her, sooo… Either them or the next person to ask if my Creative Writing degree meant I was doing Calligraphy… My response? *unimpressed face* ummm, no! and *bang!*
Maybe I should go have a lie down and a nap… 😛
Totally get it. When people found out I graduated with a degree in professional writing, I got, “What can you do with that? Teach? Write a book?” While I did kind of write a book, they meant a novel like Moby Dick or something. Umm…it’s a real degree with a lot of options 😉
My GPS because it is stupid and doesn’t give the right directions. Or maybe I just can’t follow directions. Either way, she’s a bitch.
One in-law (I want to punch in the throat) that wants to be a part of the family, but doesn’t show it. Only calls when they want something or to brag about something. Uses the line “it’s in the mail” way too many times. Forgets birthdays and even holidays because they’re so into themselves… Vacations almost as much as Obama then complains about having no money and Bush taking his retirement…
Stick with me here. I would LOVE to throat punch the makers of both Eureka and Dyson vacuums (why do I ALWAYS spell that word wrong?) Anyway. Here’s the deal: we have a dog who is sweet but who sheds like a mofo. Needless to say, I vacuum often or else nobody could wear black and/or dark clothing in our house. As much as I would love a Dyson, there is no way in f’ing HELL that I am shelling out over $300 for an f’ing VACUUM. So I buy the next logical choice which is the Eureka that looks exactly like the Dyson and even says ON THE VACUUM “Better than Dyson and half the price!” That shit lasted less than year before it broke. So then I had to trudge out to Target and buy another one and this time I was all, “I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna buy the Dyson.” But then I look at the price and I get heart palpitations because even though I’m on year 12 of teaching, I’m still broke so I just bought another stupid Eureka and I’m sure this one will break within a year too.
And that is why I would love to throat punch the smug little accented Dyson inventor and his overpriced machinery, as well as the cheap ass Eureka inventor. The End.
I hear you loud and clear. One small suggestion is to get this Bissell Pet Hair eraser for the furniture. Seriously. It’s magic. http://www.amazon.com/Bissell-Eraser-Handheld-Vacuum-33A1/dp/B001EYFQ28/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1409315568&sr=8-2&keywords=bissell+pet+hair+eraser+filters
Who do I want to punch in the throat right now? So many choices, but since I did have to get dressed and chauffeur my son to school for an early morning meeting thing and well, can’t take the bus or he’d be late, I was reminded how much I despise the way other people drive. When the light turns green this doesn’t mean sit and contemplate life…it means find your accelerator and go ahead and let the long line behind you begin to go! Oh, and turn signals, really, they’re not a fashion accessory for the car to hang crap off from…
I think you might have liked my tweet the other day: “No, really. Don’t overexert yourself by using your turn signal. I understand how difficult it can be to slightly move one finger.”
In other words, I totally agree 😉
Why yes, yes I did LOL. I’ve noticed my husband has started slacking on using the turn signal when he drives, guess being around lazy people is rubbing off on him. This doesn’t prevent me from bitching at him just as much as I do to other drivers. Obvious difference being that he can hear me, if he’s listening =P
The list is too long, but for starters, closed minded and rude people.
I have this book, and I just want to pee alone, and you have lipstick on your teeth, and I’ve pre-ordered her book that is due out Sept. 9th, People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges … but … I want to punch competitive moms in the throat.
SAHM – WFHM – WAHM … Bento Box Lunch Moms, Paperbag Lunch moms, Hot Lunch moms – seriously, we’re all fricken moms!
I’m sure you just forgot to add “Abby Has Issues” to that list, right 😉 But even though I’m not a mom, even I’M annoyed with the competitive mom crap. For the most part, you’re all doing the best that you can. As long as your kids aren’t the ones sacrificing small animals over a campfire, I think you’re doing okay 😉
I would *love* to punch the throat of each of the town officials that decided to detour the rush hour traffic from a main road down my windy country road for the entire week. I’ve had to shut all the windows due to the noise and take my life in my hands every time I try to pull out of my driveway 😦 Not how I wanted to spend the last week of summer.
I was going to say every government employee from the bottom to the top, but a few innocent people may get hurt. So, today I’m gonna say the idiot in my daughters school district who came up with the brilliant idea to make kids sit at the same table everyday during lunch. They pick a table and then stay at that table. *Do they not understand that you are forcing middle school age/hormonal girls, who change best friends daily, to be forced to sit with the people who bully (oh, our schools done HAVE any bullies) them relentlessly everyday! ***(Clearly they’ve never experienced how mean teen girls can be!!!)*** WTF’ingF! So yeah, that idiot!!
Rush Limbaugh. I would like to punch him in the throat with something sharp. So much hate in him.
I love the idea of keying any car parked badly. I am always tempted but the worst thing I have done is leave them a post-it note telling them “you park like an asshole”. Somewhat satisfying but yet not enough.
Uggggers, I’m all ready to punch-just not sure where to start….let’s see…. The “perfect” mom on the playground who looks at me like it’s a bad thing my kid is licking pine needles (I pushed him out, not you, “don’t you judge me!”) or the 20 year old check out boy who looks at me like I must have been crazy to make a baby (good luck Shawn, good luck, I put a curse on you to be a daddy by 2016….then you’ll see). And finally, the people who drive while hugging the middle lane on a two lane highway-it’s a divider people, it’s NOT like the never ending battle of the communal arm rest on a flight. Damn. Ok. Thank you. Feeling ready for Friday, Bring it!
I would like to punch the person who decided to place a years-long major road construction project directly between me and my son’s school. It took 45 minutes in the morning to get there BEFORE they started closing lanes every day. In fact, I want to punch them in the throat every single day I have to fight my way through that tangle.
Who needs a throat punch today…probably the “salesperson” that came to my door last night selling energy drinks out of her backpack. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and hollered at me when I finally closed the door. WTH??
Love both you ladies, and always fun to read more about Jen! Thanks for having her. Also, Jen, that you wake up longing for a nap makes me love you even more. xo
I’m ready to punch my daughter’s 1st grade teacher in the throat after just one week of school! This bitch is a condescending control freak and I just don’t know how I’m going to make it through the year without drop kicking her in the twat. Fortunately my daughter is very well behaved (for everyone but me), so I shouldn’t have to interact with her teacher very much.
my husband, who has decided after 15 yrs he no longer wants a wife. He just wants to work and kill zombies on all of his electronics-of which there are many. He almosts kills us in the car because some days he has to ‘kill the big guy’ every 30 minutes. He times my rest spots between killing the big guy. We’re 60!!!!! I would love to punch him in the throat and somewhere else…..just sayin
If I could, I would be thrilled to punch the a-hole building my new house. We have a baby due in January and we’re supposed to be in the new house by Thanksgiving. He just called yesterday and said, “Good news! We’ll get you in the house by Christmas. You may only have 24 hours to put up your tree though…hahaha.” Not funny, dude. Not. Funny.
I would like to punch my boss in the throat. I’m seriously tired of being micromanaged. I’m an adult and perfectly capable of getting my job done without someone breathing down my neck all day.
Get back to work, Kristen! (jk)
Every single person who has participated in narcissistic philanthropy by posting an ice bucket “challenge.” Just write the danged check.
This was a fun article and I loved Abby’s commentary too. I never thought about waking up and wanting a nap, but that totally describes the feeling Ihave when I hear the first of 2 “Mommmmmeeeeeeee” ‘s. Already preordered my copy of Jen’s book coming out in September – can’t wait!
I’ve started reading it. I LOVE IT.
I would like to throat punch my husband….for way too many reasons to list here….. Lets just say he is an asshole and leave it at that!
Jim-Bob Duggar, and Josh too.
The folks at Target who made the Cartwheel app and haven’t fixed the damn bugs in it. So much wasted time and not saving money trying to log in and getting kicked out. They are my latest “TARGET.” Fix it already damn it!
If I’m being honest, our dog. She barks, sheds, and has the breath of one who eats rotten tuna buttholes. I loved her before adding a kid to the mix. Now I love her but want to, most definitely, punch her in the furry throat. Fer sher.
I now have the smell of rotten tuna buttholes stuck in my nostrils! lol
Not pleasant, is it? 🙂
I’m feeling the need to punch my boyfriend’s boss in the throat at the moment! WHO sends someone to fly out to California on FRIDAY of a holiday weekend for work????? Not to mention the fact that we are in the process of remodeling a new home and HAVE to get the kitchen finished by MONDAY so the flooring guys can come and do our new floor….STRESSED does not even begin to cover it…I have to harness my SUPERWOMAN powers and get all this work done BY MYSELF…sigh….oh well…I GOT THIS! BUT…i still wanna punch him in his dang throat…just sayin’
My younger brother who thinks he can give me relationship advice! He’s getting married to a woman older than our mother and up until very recently sleeping with 4 other 20-something girls. Oh yeah, I need his help…… Asshat!
At this moment it is the whiney drama loving people of Facebook who rant and put every detail of their lives online for people to see yet get angry for people getting in their business.
It’s worse when you’re related to most of them lol
I wake up the same way, except with a side of internal screaming. Who do I want to punch right now? Well, I’m glad you added “right now” so I can narrow it down. Haha–sort of! The ice cream man. Because he goes down our block at exactly 9 pm every night when I’m trying to get my 4yo in bed.
You might enjoy this 😉
“Huffington Post, Jezebel and The Onion.” Jen is a woman after my own heart!
Someone I want to punch in the throat is Blangelina Blolie (can’t even type her name, because she blows). I don’t care if she got married. I don’t believe she’s such a philanthropist. She’s an attention hog, and I’m sick of her face.
Me, totally cheering for this one.
I loved that you took credit for the quote. LOL!! Love Jen and hope everyone in the free world buys her book!! Go Team Jen!
I have a long list of people I’d like to punch in the throat. The one fresh in my mind is the person coming up with picture prices for school pictures. My God! Do I buy pictures of my kids or feed them? Cuz, I can’t do both! $40 for an 8×10 2 5x7s some wallets and a bunch of crap I don’t wAnt. But I have to pay this stupid amount to get the 3 pictures of one kid that I need cuz I can’t buy the sizes separately! Wtf?! So $40 times how many children you have and FU(&&@! Better eat the extras and share it on RachRiots white trash Wednesday!
Two kinds of freeway drivers: The asshats who didn’t leave their house on time and think the road is theirs and GET OUT OF THE WAY NOW! And those who are cruising in slo-mo with no particular destination. It’s a Friday and most of us just want to get to work safely and on time. Jeez.
The next “friend” who asks me if I’m still writing my blog. “Um…fuck you.”
Thanks for this post, ladies! 🙂
Or those who don’t even know that you blog and think it sounds lame. WTF?
Ohmahgah! I KNOW HER!!!! –Elf
I knew I liked that Jen Mann. Keying cars and taking naps? We’re basically the same person.
Who? How about adults I knew as kids who still pretend they don’t know me now? Yeah, them. For their information, I still don’t care about the brand of my jeans.:)
It depends on the day do look out!
Wowzers. Who DON’T I want to punch in the throat? (It’s a shorter list.) But let’s just say, for the sake of argument that if I could narrow my vitriol to a single group, it would be directed at the thousands of college students who flood back into my beloved city every August. I’m so over them, and they’ve only been back a week.
ASS CLOWNS – you know them when you see them – they have earned a throat punch, kick to the nads, so forth & so on….BUT – that is an every day thought for me. Who do I really want to punch in the throat?? Parents with their head up their asses. Exhibit A – the parents that thought – “hey, my 9 year old daughter can totally kick ass on the gun range with an uzi”. I totally understand the “what the heck were these people thinking?” response. As a 5 year old – I had a life altering encounter with a lawnmower (needless to say, the lawnmower had the upper hand – ohhh – pun time!!!!). OK, I didn’t lose my hand – but I damn near lost my arm from the elbow down – I still have a functioning limb – but it ain’t pretty – multiple orthopedic surgeries including skin & nerve grafts….and even more surgery when I was 12…you get the picture). Given how my arm appears – you can’t hide this shit – I have moments where I have to talk about my accident. People often ask “where were your parents?” (that’s another complicated story – welcome to my Redneck Family…moving on…). There were adults present…no one expected that a lawnmower would forever change my life that day. Just as these vacationers never imagined the terrible, irreversible outcome of allowing their 9 year old handle a gun of this power/magnitude. AND THAT IS THE PROBLEM….accidents happen in the blink of an eye…just THINK for a second & don’t assume it’s all “gonna be alright”. Its not all rainbows & unicorns people!!!!! Bad things DO happen. Children just should not be placed in these situations….period. And that is why I want to walk up – and just punch them in them throat…damn…..
Who do I want to punch in the throat? Just. About. Everyone. Pedophiles in particular, but also car salesmen, infomercial pitchmen, Paris Hilton, control freaks, micro managers, any chick with a 24″ waist, every single member of Congress, the guy I am currently dating, and hipsters, my Gawd, I hate hipsters! Why don’t they have thigh muscles? Their skinny jeans make them look like boneless chickens. And what’s with the scarves? It’s 89 degrees outside, and you’re wearing a muthafickling SCARF? Did someone shake you as a baby? And please, please, please, the facial hair… Ugh! Unless you are a logger, and I am quite certain you are not based on your scrawny limbs, your facial hair is not sexy, it’s just… Sad. Throat punches for all of you!
People who say mean things to others. No, I’m not pregnant, I’m fat. When am I due? 7 years ago. Haha.
Who do i want to punch in the throat? People who think writing centers are editing centers, people who, when they discover what i do for a living, think i should edit for them for free, people who send me editing questions via FB when i’m not even at work (yes, i do want to answer all your grammar questions while i’m at home trying to relax!), and all the academic people who think writing consultants aren’t *academic enough,* especially those who are snarky enough to criticize reading choices (good grief, reading is an escape, too, not every book has to be theory!), and academics who make all their questions into *lectures* to prove how smart they are! Also, all the people who think it’s okay to go through me to ask my hubs questions about the worth of their junk. Look, i’ll give you the information for his company, and then the right expert can call you. Going through me won’t make your *stuff* worth more! Those, and the entire host of retail freaks mentioned above (tantie77), and the ones mentioned right above my post…nicole, i feel that pain!
I’m a stay home mom, and everyone who even thinks to themselves, or God forbid dares to say to me, “Hmmmm, you’re a stay home mom? So….what do you do all day?” All those people deserve to be punched in the throat. 🙂
OMG Jen. You are so loved in this home!!!!!!!!!!
Whoops. Hit enter before I was done. I would love to punch the mothers of these lost children running the streets, doing and selling drugs, and killing each other, and innocent by-standers, every day. These mothers should have their vaginas sown shut. Why should these women be allowed to reproduce anyway???? They’re worthless. Sorry, but you asked.
I want to punch the next person who is excited to send their kiddos back to school because they can’t wait to get them out of their hair. Really? As a teacher, the implication here is obvious. Those kiddos are coming to spend 8 hours with me. At least have the decency to curb their sugar intake prior to sending them my way, and perhaps a little welcome back to school gift, too. Hint, skip the apples, I want something fermented.
I loved reading my ARC of People I want to Punch in the throat. Seriously. 5 stars from me on Goodreads. So i definintely want to read I just want to be alone. i’m poor. so help me.
And just to vent a little and I won’t outwardly criticize people for what they tout in their lives or FB but i will indirectly say my parenting style by what I allow my 8 year old to do that is probably frowned up on and scoffed at and blamed for raising a future hellion. just for the record my daughter is a bright silly respectful human being.
I let her:
eat devil dogs for breakfast if she wants. I find that the more I let her choose the more she chooses a range of things.
Watch parks & rec. it’s family time and Leslie is a great female role model.
watch tv all the time whenever she wants.
brush her teeth in a sub par way and by her visits to the dentist she will learn that flossing is less of an option and more of a necessity.
use bad words w/o punishment but she grasps inappropriate situations when they aren’t to be used.
pick her bed time. the more timred she is in the morning the more it clicks that she needs more sleep.
when she gets very very angry I encourage her to vent and punch things, my hand a pillow and this 100% of the time lowers anger and she’s a peach.
those are just a few of the things i will stand up for in the name of bringing up citizens of the world today.