I have to admit that lately I haven’t been feeling that confident. But then one morning I looked at the number of staplers on my desk at work—two—and thought, “Abby, you lucky bastard. You’ve really made something of yourself.”
So with that said, I decided to think of other things that should earn A Major Award. Congrats to you!
Not only remembering to put your reusable grocery bag in your car, but remembering to actually bring it in with you before you’re checking out in the store.
Spelling “definitely,” “vacuum” or “conscientious” right on the first try.
Actually using the OveGlove on your hand instead of grabbing the hot pan with the hand not wearing the OveGlove.
Making a list before going to the store and remembering to take it with you instead of coming home to be reminded about what you forgot to buy.
Realizing you’re out of toilet paper but finding you stocked an extra roll in the cabinet next to the toilet.
Getting less than 15 tissues out on the first pull from a new box of Kleenex.
Perfectly timing use of the automatic soap dispenser instead of putting your hand under there, waiting, pulling hand away and then having soap shoot out onto the counter.
Pumping gas and stopping on the exact dollar amount instead of spending an extra $10 trying to get it to stop on an even dollar amount.
Remembering the names of your neighbors and not just the names of your neighbors’ dogs.
Unpeeling a banana and getting all those stringy things off in the process (bonus points if you can rip a banana off the bunch without feeling like you’re ripping it away from its family, creating an orphan banana, of sorts.)
Dropping a piece of buttered/cheesy/messy toast and for once, not having the buttered/cheesy/messy side hit the carpet.
Not saying what you’re thinking out loud two seconds after your brain says, “Don’t say that out loud.”
Remembering to take out both trash and recycle on the same day.
Catching something as it falls off the table without knocking something else off the table.
Putting away the clean laundry on the same day it was washed.
When someone tells you, “Great question!” actually hearing their answer because you’re not busy congratulating yourself for asking such a great question.
And of course, for commenting below on what you deserve A Major Award for today.
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Abby Has Issues 
I got the coffee into the coffee pot and the cat food into the cat’s dish, instead of the other way around, which has happened at 5 am before…
For your sake, I’m glad the cat is not overcaffeinated.
Remembering to grab a new razor BEFORE you get in the shower, not when you have already started lathering up
I did some pruning then stuffed long branches into the rubbish bin. I did not obsessively cut them into uniform pieces first. Actually, I think that deserves an award AND some chocolate. Will just pop out to the shop for some (and, of course, not forgetting to take a list and save-the-planet shopping bag). xxxx
Definitely…that one gets me every time! And putting away the clean laundry after it’s been washed, that means that yesterday I definitely earned an award…I just earned another right there 🙂
Thanks for this post! It’s Monday and I needed a laugh.
Those are all very impressive things I one day hope to achieve.
Aim high, my friend. Aim high.
😂 gold!
Oh my gosh, that banana thing got me real good. Haha
Taking an actual walk with my dog instead of just letting him outside while I watch Gilmore Girls on the couch?
Using the plunger and not getting splashed with poop water. Good day.
Love your list!
It’s Monday, and I actually showed up for work instead of calling off and spending the day playing with my blog. But I’m not sure that was the right decision – do I get points even if I chose wrong?
Returning all of the library books BEFORE they are overdue.
You get bonus points for reading actual books.
Oh, goody! 7:15am and I’m already winning!
Do I get kudos for not swearing at the other drivers on the highway on the way to work this morning? Because that’s a rare feat, let me tell you.
Also, not tripping over the cat as I got out of the shower at 5:30 am. Talk about a win!
Keeping that road rage in check? Major award, although one I will never be a recipient of.
I got out of bed to procrastinate and read blogs before work instead of bringing my laptop back to bed with me. It’s a huge step. I’ll still be late though.
Well, you know, priorities.
I learned the word “loquacious” last week, so a win for improving my vocabulary. It was used to describe me, so I’m not sure how I feel about that but she still talks to me so I guess it’s ok.
I can think of worse ways to be described.
Since I called myself that too, it’s a good thing 😉
As someone who regularly eats lunch at 10:30 am I have to say it’s an honor just being nominated.
I believe that’s called a snack.
Entire sandwiches?
I ran out of money 10 days before pay day but found a £25 voucher for food in my bag. Also I managed to walk past my bed without bashing my thigh on the side of it. Today is a good day!
Food AND a lack of physical harm? I think you are totally winning.
I’ve jinxed it now. Tomorrow I’ll probably drop a sandwich and get run over by a bus. Such is life.
i baked chocolate chip cookies for the hell of it. i don’t cook. they turned out sad, but edible. so YAY
Cookies, for the win!
So many opportunities to win a major award…the pressure. Oh, the pressure.
I love this so incredibly much! I’ll give myself an award for improvising during a coffee shortage this morning, and managing to wheedle a full pot out of regular ground coffee remnants augmented by miscellaneous individual serving packets I’ve procured from hotels over the years. Delicious? No. Caffeinated? Lord, yes.
You do what you can to survive.
Actually showering before work today. I didn’t wash my hair but at least my body got some cleansing.
I hope to some day measure up to your level of expertise! Loved the blog.
I never thought there were so many things that could go wrong; although, as I get older, I am starting to get things mixed up. Started to put sugar in the coffee filter instead of coffee; put orange juice into coffee carafe. It was a bad morning; however, I was able to give the cats their food in the correct bowls. Am I eligible for an award? 🙂
I got all four of my kids dressed and off to school without saying any of the following:
“If you don’t hurry up…”
“I’ve told you fifty times…”
“STOP DOING THAT TO YOUR SISTER.”
Was a pretty good morning.
Taking the time to read your hysterical post today. Too many days I am consumed with laundry, my garbage dump of a house and the demands of my sassy little two-year old dictator. I stopped to do something I wanted to do today, READ! Feels good. Thanks for the laugh. Kudos on your stellar awards.
Yes, please. All of them.
Not only do I remember to grab my recyclable bags, but I actually take them into the liquor store with me. I’m pretty sure not many people do that.
I give myself bonus points any time I manage to spell vacuum correctly on the first try, which is odd considering my love for it.
I give myself bonus points for working a blog post tonight, writers block be damned.
When pouring dog food into the dog’s dish and spilling some into his water also, I actually changed out the water instead of thinking, “Well, he won’t mind some kibble in his water.” Because, of course, I would just LOVE IT if people poured my dinner plate into my glass and shrugged their shoulders.
Not sure what else I’d need an award for but putting the laundry away on the same day it was washed is taking things a little too far. (P.S. I buy all the orphaned bananas.)
Actually making a call to the mechanic to schedule an oil change, 1000 miles over when it was in theory due.
BTW I hope it’s okay if I steal this idea for my blog. I will link back to you, obvs.
Smashing my head on the car door to re-direct my attention from the burning sensation of having things frozen off my face this morning by the dermatologist.
I got out of bed. Today I deserve an award for that. I am sick and I’ll probably go back to sleep soon… but at least I tried!
Totally agree with this one: “Putting away the clean laundry on the same day it was washed.” Far too often I have great hope about all of the laundry that I will do, and I put one too many loads into the wash. My desire sputters out before I can fold the items that are in the dryer, and inevitably, I have to re-wash the damp clothes in the washer before I can dry them. I really need to get honest with myself about my washing/drying dedication… Once I manage that, it’s going to be award central!
Not actually having heart failure when told someone had left a baby on the bus. Turned out to be a baby sofa after all but I’m still not sure how they got it on there or, more to the point, forgot it.
I bought new conditioner before I finished the old conditioner.
Remembering what I walked into the room to get instead of standing and looking confused! 👍
Last night, I had some beer after work and I remember telling myself, “Don, if you just have three more beers then skip that three o’clock bar, you’ll wake up without a hangover.” So I only had three more beers on top of the secret number I’d already had, and did skip going to a 3am bar and I don’t have a hangover!! Win!
Today I watched only three episodes of The Walking Dead on Netflix instead of binge watching the entire season in one sitting. AND I even folded a load of laundry while I was watching. I’m impressed with myself, very impressed.
These are all AWESOME. Can I add a new one? “Going to the bathroom to pee BEFORE getting in bed, taking off your glasses, setting your alarm, turning off the light, and getting comfortable.”
I deserve a major award today for getting off my lazy butt and doing some(nice ambiguous word) laundry! I also deserve an award for spelling ambiguous right!