Most adults have some experience with driving a motorized vehicle, and whether you’re a road rager or a calm commuter, you’ve probably had a few of the same thoughts while navigating the roads.
I don’t care if my mirrors are perfectly adjusted, I’m still going to turn around and look while I back out of the driveway.
Sigh…more like, “Warning: Objects in the mirror may appear older and more haggard than you would like them to appear.”
Where is the street that I have to drive down? Maybe turning down the radio will help.
What?! I just got gas five days ago!
Crap. What side of the car is the gas tank on?
(Singing to radio) I should be a singer.
(Dancing while signing to the radio) I should also be a dancer.
OH MY GOD I HAVE TO SNEEZE THIS IS THE SCARIEST THING EVER!
The number of red lights I hit is directly proportional to how bad I have to pee.
Oh, good lord people. It’s a four-way stop. Not a Rubik’s cube.
Ha, ha. That sign said “Speed hump.”
Since I have all this extra time, I should probably rehearse arguments in my head, just in case they should ever come up.
That car a few miles back let me in, so I’ll be nice and let you in, too. HEY! WHERE’S MY FREAKING WAVE?! That’s it. I’m done being nice.
OHMYGODISTHAT…ugh. Commercials and songs should NOT be able to include a siren while I’m driving.
Do I have to turn on my wipers or can I see through these drops for another couple miles?
Ugh. Old people.
Ugh. Young people.
If you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light changes green, I can promise I will shut off my car, lie on the hood and feed birds for an hour.
What are you doing in the fast lane? Seriously?
A car is not an invisibility force field that shields you from the general conventions of society. We can see you picking your nose.
Crap. Now I have to pick my nose. Is anyone looking?
Get off your phone you idiot.
I hope my car appreciates the fact that wince when I hit a pothole.
There is no need to stop completely when making a 90-degree turn where there’s no stop sign, stop lights or opposite-direction traffic.
Do I honk? Do I not honk? Has the window of “honking” passed?
The back windshield full of Beanie Babies kind of contradicts the “Thug Life” bumper sticker on your minivan, dude.
Seriously semis? Do not race the semi truck in the lane right next to you, forcing all of us to watch this sad little drama play out. Nobody wins, especially the lines of cars stuck behind you.
Nothing says “midlife crisis” like a yellow sports car.
People who don’t understand how to use a blinker should probably just stay home.
Was that a cop? I should get extra credit for going the speed limit while driving through that unexpected speed trap.
(Gives a little wave to the pedestrian.) OK. Walk along…a little quicker. No, really. Stop in the middle of the road and contemplate life while I wait to make a left turn.
Are you taking a photo? Of yourself? You’re in a car. That makes no sense.
I need one of those stick person window decals of a distressed woman on the couch with the fridge decal stuck way on the other side of the window.
Okay. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks that last one, but you know, it’s a “Thug Life.”
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You’re one scary chick on the road! 🙂
I’ve thought every single one of them, except for the stick figure one. That one is just genius.
And here I thought I was the only one who played out arguments in my head. Brilliant list! Speed hump HA
Hey, turning down the radio DOES help! I swear! (Less noise = more focus on thinking/looking)
See, I’ve always thought that the number of red lights is proportional to how late I am to pick up my son from school.
It’s like you’re reading my mind. 😉
Let that be the reason..safe travels!
Ha! Good ones. So true 😉
Abby, I don’t think I can think up another secret driving thought. You have covered em all and then some! 🙂 Funny post and oh so true.
Perfect. I will in future be carrying bird seed for overt four way stop politeness.
Reblogged this on crazy smart clueless and commented:
Because my brain is working right.. ‘Abby Has Issues’ driving.
You “hit” all the points….no pun intended….
I only disagree with one. I usually say “Was that a cop? OMG …. whew, he either didn’t see me or can’t believe an old lady could go so fast in this car.”
I feel ya on all of this! I commute every morning and it usually takes me about an hour and fifteen minutes to an hour and a half to get to work. I’m seriously on edge every morning!
‘Rubik’s Cube’! Seriously! What are we the apes staring at the Monolith in 2001: Space Odyssey?!
Ha – Not a Rubik’s cube! Too funny. I also wish to be a singer. Too bad I suck at it. I also get pissed when I don’t get the courtesy wave back. What is wrong w/ people?
Here’s a helpful tip,that I didn’t know until hubby told me…there is a little arrow on the gas gauge that points to the gas tank side. Who’d of thought. : )
I actually knew that! And the sad thing is I’ve had this car for a year and still make the mistake from time to time. Old habits die hard 😉
OMG!! I totally rehearse arguments I’ll probably never have!
The number of green lights I get is proportional to my desire to text, Facebook or tweet. The more I want to hit a red light so I can fart around on my phone, the more likely every single light is to be green.
You are right. Sneezing in the car IS the scariest thing ever! It’s allergy season here and it’s terrifying.
Have you been spying on me while I am driving! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
If drivers yell at me from a side lane, I like to take out of my phone and mouth, “Hold on, I have to take this . . .” People go bonkers.
Thank you! It’s such a relief to find out I’m not the only one who forgets which side the gas tank is on. Please excuse me while I go call everyone who has ever been in the car with me when I had to fill the tank.
I love it when I get caught not speeding.
What about “Are you seriously texting right now?? You’re driving on the highway! You are not seriously texting while going 70 mph!?!?! Have you lost your freaking mind?!?” or, one of my personal faves during winter driving, “Seriously? It’s snowing/sleeting. I don’t care how close you get to my bumper, I will not speed up. Moron! Go ahead, pass me! I’ll wave when I pass your dumb ass stranded in a ditch!”
Lmaooooooooo so funny! Seriously LOL’ing at 2AM
I admit to thinking and shouting some of what you have posted here, but your list is amazing!
Seriously, I want to kill people that don’t pay attention or do stupid shit while driving! They don’t realize they are driving a 2 ton missile down the road waiting to kill some sort of innocent random person!
I simply hate bad drivers with such a passion. My kids know not to repeat daddy when he is driving!
Haha so true !!
Definitely a lot of truth in this list. My personal favorite is the one about the overzealous horn blower. I hate that! And I will NOT move.
The atuo elves move that gas tank from side to side at night just because.
Love that observation about the beanie babies in the back window.
I laughed my butt off at this! I can SO relate to many items you mentioned! 😂😂😂
Oh my god I just discovered your site via Caitlin, Etc., and holy monkeys – love it! This was just great.
That’s me. Only much, much, much more cussing.
Trying so hard not to laugh at this whilst in a deafening silence that lays thick in the office air. I have thought every single one of these, and your tone is absolutely hilarious! Thank you! XD
TFeeding birds…so wish I could do that – except in Jersey cause they will kill you.
In the UK we have signs like this.
How we don’t have more accidents is, frankly, beyond me.
lol I’ve had a sneeze attack while driving before, and I just knew I was gonna die. I have to wonder what that moment is like from another’s perspective.
It’s like you’ve read almost every single thought that has gone through my head while driving. Or well, I’ve yelled out said thoughts and not kept them in my head where they probably should have stayed :-D. Loved this post!
Brilliant post…you had me laughing from start to finish!