As the plethora of pumpkins and décor would indicate, we’re getting closer to Halloween. And while I’m not really a Scrooge, I’m also not that into the holiday anymore.
I write about Halloween five months out of the year for one of my magazines at work, and if I want candy, costumes and creepiness, I can go to WalMart and wander among the shoppers any day of the week.
Plus, a lot of the “scary” things associated with the day like skulls, witches and spiders—okay, I’ll give you that last one—don’t really scare me at all. Even the stray black cat that hangs out here crossing my path doesn’t spook me at all, (although mouthing “you’re screwed” and giving me the finger when it walked by just seemed rude.)
Anyway, I even did the haunted house thing a couple of years ago but decided that I would never again pay $20 for people to jump out and yell at me when there were things in my daily adult life that scare me even more—for free.
Getting a notification that I’ve been tagged in a Facebook picture without having any idea what picture it is.
Sneezing while driving.
Seeing a picture of myself as a toddler in a bathing suit and realizing my boobs are still the same size.
Getting my mortgage statement.
Touching the remote control at the gym, or worse, being stuck on a cardio machine near someone who evidently marinated in Axe cologne.
Being selected as either Dr. Oz’s assistant of the day or “going to Flavortown” with Guy Fieri.
People without a sense of humor.
Seeing a bug inside, running to get a paper towel to dispose of the bug, and coming back to find the bug has since departed to regions now unknown.
Losing the Internet for more than five minutes.
Using a toilet away from home and having it refuse to flush.
Eating the last bite of something without realizing I just ate the last bite of something. I am never more emotionally unprepared.
Going to feed the birds and having a mouse jump out of the birdseed bag.
Three words: Company Teambuilding Activity
Accidentally hitting the switch for the garbage disposal instead of the light above the sink.
Trying on a shirt in a dressing room—scary enough as it is—but then getting stuck in said shirt, providing the security cameras with a panic-filled performance of attempted removal.
Having to touch a bathroom door handle, noticing it’s wet, and not knowing if it’s because someone washed their hands or if they didn’t. (Thank god for hand sanitizer.)
My grandma trying to hook me up with the new 90-year-old resident at the home because, “I can’t afford to be picky anymore.”
Realizing more people will read a Buzzfeed quiz in one day to find out what their “Spirit Vegetable” is than will read my whole blog/books in a year.
(For the record, I would be a Brussels sprout—often steamed and rather bitter.)
So as you can see, Halloween really has nothing on my general day-to-day neurosis. Bring it on, Freddy Krueger. Bring it on.
What would you add to your list?
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“For the record, I would be a Brussels sprout—often steamed and rather bitter.” But so delicious!
I would cover them in evoo, s&p, a dash of balsamic and toss you on a tray and roast them. No more bitter 🙂
The thought of shopping at Walmart…
Getting a phone call from my Offspring instead of a text. NOTHING good ever started with, “Umm…Mom?”
I think the “Company Teambuilding Activity” wins any fright contest hands down. Sneezing while driving isn’t cool, it’s very hard to cross my legs while driving. Spiders are pretty high on my list – I’ve had one drop from my sunvisor right in front of my nose while driving.
A spider while driving is pretty much like “Arachnophobia meets Claustrophobia.” Fun times!
Guy Fieri is horrifying. Even moreso than sneezing while driving.
The phone ringing in the middle of the night, . Trying to pull that last weed and getting a hand full of snail, waiting for news in a hospital . One of my children more than an hours drive away. Having a policeman knock on my door. The alarm goes off ,but the alarm company doesn’t call to see what the trouble is. Not knowing WHY kids want to eat at McDonalds
The weeds thing–sub in “worms” and I’m with you. Ugh.
These are hysterical!
If I were to repeat in the comments everything I loved about this, I’d pretty much just copy and paste the whole post. This is made of awesome. However, I think I identify most with taking the last bite when I’m not emotionally prepared for taking the last bite, and your spirit vegetable is genius.
But a bonus is finding out there’s still ONE MORE BITE of the food that you thought was all gone. So much winning with that.
A phone call instead of a text from my kids.
My scariest? This is gross, so skip this comment if you are sensitive. I have ulcerative colitis, so my scariest is feeling the urge while in bumper-to-bumper rush hours traffic. And several miles later pulling into Walmart, and literally running through the store to the rest rooms (waaay in the back of the store, of course), while several plain clothes security people (dressed as shoppers) follow to see why a 62-year-old woman is racing through health-cosmetics/housewares/sporting goods/automotive/hardwares. True story.
Waking up because I heard one of my kids call out my name, and then finding that everyone’s still sound asleep.
And the doorknob in a bathroom thing … yeesh.
people without a sense of humor, yes. I blame them for the fact that The Ben Stiller Show only had 13 episodes. that was some rare humor.
typos. even worse than typos, those that ARE NOT typos. people who use and abuse language (should of, that type of thing) and have zero regard for spelling and grammar. THAT is scary to me.
and a very real one? weather. today is the day, the island of Kauai is under hurricane watch.
This is why we’re friends. Well, not the only reason, but it solidifies that sometimes I make good decisions.
you write about halloween 5 months out of the year? oh dear.
Realizing that the guy I’ve been in love with for 3 years is a playah…oh wait, that just happened…sigh.
A child of mine inherited my machine gun sneezing attacks and has rolled a vehicle during one. Alone and uninjured, we’re lucky.
The light above my kitchen sink will never burn out, because I am afraid to try turning it on, lest I accidentally flip the garbage disposal on. These are real struggles.
I relate to a lot on this list, esp the bathroom and trying on clothes ones. The disappearing bug thing. That’s a scenario often featured in my nightmares. Where’d it go? Aah.
I’ve had a mouse jump out at me from the birdseed bin…opened the lid and there it was…I just told him to get out of there, and he jumped and ran! Oh, the light vs. disposal switch…I even wrote on the thing which was which, and still do it wrong half the time! 🙂
It’s hard to tell when you’re just waking up or it’s pitch black in there!
Ha! “Often steamed and rather bitter” – love it! And I completely relate to the last bite anxiety!
Sneezing is my worst nightmare too! I’m sure I’ll cause a 20-car pile-up on the interstate if I do.
Hilarious list! I’d be a ca-bitch.