They say to dress for the job you want, which given I’m in my robe until about 9 a.m. every morning before I go to the gym would suggest that I’m aiming to become a judge.
Even though I wouldn’t mind getting paid to voice my opinion on the stupid things people do, that’s what a blog and social media are for, and those things require much less work than being an actual judge.
With that said, I’ve been thinking about jobs that I AM qualified to do other than be the humorous, insightful, professional wordsmith that some company is just waiting to scoop up and hire any second now. Right?!? Right.
But in case I’m still unemployed next week, let’s explore my options.
Professional Chef
Okay. Maybe that one isn’t an option. Let’s move on.
Before Picture
I think my ability to make others look good by comparison is highly underrated. My beauty routine can be completed in the time it takes my car to warm up in the morning, so I think it’s safe to say I have perfected the perpetual “before” beauty shot.
Plus, that’s a job that wouldn’t require me to actually put on makeup, so really it’s a win-win!
Infomercial Actress
Do you have problems completing basic, everyday tasks effectively? Then YOU can be the star in an infomercial, or rather, I can be the star in a series of infomercials.
The number of times I’ve grabbed a hot pan with the hand not wearing the OveGlove is impressive, not to mention the drama in trying to change a shower curtain liner or my sheets. There could be a whole series of infomercials with me as the star—including those for beauty products (see option 1 above.)
Game Show Contestant
This appears to be a quick way to make more than $10,000 in under 20 minutes. While I would excel at the awkward interview portion of “Jeopardy,” I would be kind of screwed if the categories were about anything other than food, sports or cleaning products.
“Wheel of Fortune” would be an option, although falling over the barrier in an effort to enthusiastically spin the wheel and being forced to ride around in circles until it stopped is a distinct possibility.
If I could go on with someone else’s family, “Family Feud” might be viable, but I think my best bet would be “The Price Is Right” only because food often drops down my flat chest like a PLINKO chip. Plus, I have extensive knowledge of product prices, which brings me to my next point.
Professional Grocery Shopper
I know people think I’m crazy, but I love grocery shopping and do it not only for myself, but also my mom and uncle, who can’t do it that easily themselves. It’s like a big treasure hunt going into the store with their lists, and the store employees pretty much know me by name around town (true, it might be “That Crazy Girl Who Hoard the Avocados,” but whatever.)
Considering my top blog post of 2014 was “The Ten Commandments of Grocery Shopping,” maybe they could even give me a badge so I could enforce the rules that I wrote.
Life Coach
Quit laughing. I don’t mean Life Coach in that I have my life together and should tell people how to live there, but rather that it’s more “practical” advice for those who also have issues. Given that “The Tao of Abby” was the second most read post of 2014, it seems that suggestions like this go over well:
Plus, given some of the search terms people use to find my blog—“I have to pee but I can’t unzip my onesie,” “Believe in yourself unless you have small boobs,” “Need a studfinder both literally and figuratively” and “I will beat you with the grocery lane checkout divider”—it’s obvious that the public has questions they think I can answer…or they have deep-seated psychological issues.
Potato, po-tah-to.
Either way, I’m here if you need me.
References available upon request.
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Abby Has Issues 
Oh, Abby. You just made my day. On some days, smiles and laughs are hard to come by, but your blog this morning just tickled me and has set my morning back on course. Thank you.
Thank you. I have MANY of those days lately, so I’m glad that I could help 🙂
The best thing is everyone has the most random things as alternative careers they could just be! Professional Grocery shopper sounds like the ideal new business- I think you should set it up, I’ll employ you!
Just found my dream job!! Professional grocery shopper! Can’t believe I never thought about it! Thank you for the brilliant advise 😹
This really spoke to me. I have also burnt my hand on the toaster! The struggle is real! 😉
To be fair that shower liner is a totally pain in the ass. I would hire someone to come over and switch that out.
If your professional shopping service also included putting away all those purchased groceries then we might have to talk.
Abby I love your blog, even though I cannot clean for s#it and HATE grocery shopping. I wish you could make some serious cash with you blog. If you figure out how to do that, please let me know!
http://colleen-momentsofmadness.blogspot.com
Maybe we can come up with a Blog Union, a BuNion!
Keep at it sister!
You crack me up. I love the “before picture” idea!
I absolutely love you. I wish we could be drinking buddies.
Thanks! I don’t drink, but you could hire me to be your DD 🙂
I can’t believe some newspaper wouldn’t want you as the 2015 Erma Bombeck teller of all things. Good luck with your continued job search!
I can’t believe some newspaper wouldn’t hire you as the new and improved 2015 Erma Bombeck type. Good luck
I can’t believe that some newspaper wouldn’t want to hire you as the new and improved 2015 Erma Bombeck. Good luck.
Thanks for that. I needed a laugh today….and every day!
I dont think you should discredit life coach so quickly; grocery-shopper-life-coach…?? Clearly you are needed! 🙂
Funnily enough, I’ve had two of these jobs! I was an infomercial actress, gosh, about 16 years ago for a product called Lite Bytes. First I had to do step aerobics and twist my ankle. Then I had to do sit ups and hurt my neck. Then I had to look at health bars in a food aisle and appear SO CONFUSED. It has to make you feel good when a casting director sees you at an audition and thinks, “Now there’s a person who can play clueless!” 😉
I was also in two game shows – Street Smarts and Sex Wars. And I lost on both of them. Uh oh. Maybe the casting director was right.
I loved you before, but now I love you even more. I need to see those infomercials…
Ha! Yes, my resume is very… um… impressive. 😉 Good luck finding the infomercial! I’ve looked for years, and I’ve never been able to find it. Maybe I should just be thankful for small favors!
LOL I think being a infomercial actress would be AWESOME!!! My husband and I are always joking around pretending that we are in infomercials. We are silly like that.
Apart from chuckling you’ve given me a couple of nifty ideas here which might yet propel my career into the stratosphere. Very best for 2015 by the way 🙂
You would be a pro grocery shopper and I’d love to take you with me so that the next time I encounter an asshat supermarket checkout guy, we can both give ’em Hell. Game show contestant would be a good one. Lots of jumping up and down. When I was a kid, I for some inexplicable reason, I wanted to be a game show model. I’d go around the house sweeping my hands across the TV and the stove saying things like “Wouldn’t you love to win this Amana Radar Range?”
I will never look at the grocery lane checkout divider in the same way again. You should be a professional eye opener, metaphorically that is.
P.S. I’m an avid fan of pitching the mini-blinds. Those things aren’t worth the cleaning they need.